Did Cody Parkey Pray “The Ball Was Tipped” Into Existence?
Last night after Cody Parkey double doinked a kick that just absolutely needs to be made, he pointed to the sky to thank God and then dropped to a knee to partake in group prayer. Some call that life perspective and having your priorities in order, I call it a delusional safety blanket that allows people to avoid taking their responsibility for their actions. Tomato, Tomato. Just all part of God’s Plan! Shout out to the 6!
But then something happened last night. I – a man of science and the crystal clear understanding that things are so fucking trash here on this planet that if there IS some sort of divine architect, he’s a worse personnel manager than Steve Phillips – saw the light. I was converted. Because something happened last night. In between the time it took for that ball to ricochet off the uprights, then the crossbar, then cascade to the ground along with the corpse of Staley Da Bear,
and the time it took for the media to access the locker room, something happened that cannot be explained by worldly measures. What happened you ask? The ball retroactively became “tipped.”
Cody Parkey dropped to his knees and asked his God to guide him through the valley of the shadow of midway, and God answered. God hit rewind on the DVR of life (he’s got that feature where when you press play the video actually jumps forward about a second and a half because the DVR knows you probably didn’t have the reaction time necessary to stop on a dime. Mannn, when TiVO dropped that shit, that was the last time I came close to believing in God) and he made that ball become tipped. Make no mistake about it, that ball was not tipped. That ball went directly from Parkey’s Right foot to the left upright. It didn’t change directions. It didn’t spin the other way. Didn’t turn into a knuckle ball. But G-O-D up there decicded to toss Cody Parkey a bone and make someone one the Eagles speak up and he gifted him some grainy footage that exonerates this guy. Now, suddenly the guy who absolutely fucking SUCKS at kicking field goals has a scapegoat. Now, all of a sudden the guy who is notorious for HITTING POSTS is no longer responsible for HITTING THE POST. Now all of a sudden, hateful, unemployed, and eternally damned people like Barstool Carl simply look foolish calling Parkey a “cocksucker” 50,000 times.
Wow. What a blessing from above. God really carrying Cody in the palm of his hand. Why he couldn’t have just tossed Cody a bone and actually made him hit that field goal a few minutes earlier, I have no idea. Why God was there to miraculous convince the world a ball was tipped when he could have just made the ball go through the uprights, we may never understand. He works in mysterious ways. Also let’s be fair, there are limitations to God’s abilities. Even the Almighty has his limits to Divine intervention. Be it a Cody Parkey kick or a Mets or Jets championship, some things just can’t be conjured. Even through the power of magic.
So to all the people like me who thought it was ridiculous to pray to God after he so graciously allowed you to walk his green earth and fall into such a desperately ridiculous situation where an entire city will probably bully you into reclusivity, the joke is on you. Jesus Saved Cody Parkey last night. The Retroactive Divine intervention saved Cody’s soul. Cody whispered to Jesus before kicking that ball “Please, Lord. Please let this ball go through.” And Jesus was on his couch watching football waiting to see which prayers of grown men millionaires he would answer while ignoring the poor people living in disease ridden war torn poverty, and heard Cody’s prayers. He checked the salary cap situation and he said “Cody I’ve already gifted you $3.5 million this year and you have 9 million fully guaranteed coming your way…I can’t give you this field goal. But what I can give you is a phantom tip that will help you mitigate the blame and pass the buck” and Cody Parkey said, the Lord is good. The Lord is just. The Lord is right.