Alright Giants Fans, What Do We Think Of Dwayne Haskins? My Exclusive Scouting Report Of The Ohio State QB
Tate blogged about Dwayne Haskins officially declaring for the draft yesterday, which didn’t come as a shock to anybody. Obviously Tate’s blog read like someone who lives and breathes Ohio State to the point he felt the headaches Urban Meyer was faking feeling.
So I opened things up to my Twitter fam since I am a very casual college football fan and would love for my favorite team to get out of QB purgatory sooner rather than later, but also don’t want to the GMen to draft a quarterback just to draft one, because that’s even worse than sticking with the Elicoaster for another year.
After their responses, I think I have developed a scouting report on Dwayne Haskins, which includes Big Ben without the baggage, JaMarcus Russell without the purple drank, great at progressions, not great against pressure, he sucks, he’s awesome, and all the other joys that come along with Twitter. Shout out to my #Twitterfam, including Double Vodka Don, whose scouting report I can only view half-heartedly since he is an Ohio State diehard but also a Giants fan and fat guy who knows you always look out for your fellow fans and fat guys before giving any opinions through the lens of scarlet-colored glasses.
Pro: Dwayne Haskins apparently threw 50 fucking touchdowns this season and only 8 interceptions
I’ll be honest, I thought that was a typo at first. Nope, Dwayne Haskins through 50 touchdowns his first season as a starter. I don’t know how I didn’t hear more about this whenever I checked out a game on TV or while being addicted to Twitter.
Con: Throwing for 50 touchdowns in a season in college apparently doesn’t mean shit when it comes to becoming a great or even good NFL QB
WOOF! Those names go from bad to ugly to disastrous. Granted most of them played in wacky conferences and before the NFL started truly embracing running college-style offenses. Doing that in the Big 10 has to mean more, right? Speaking of which…
Pro: He beat Michigan’s dick in despite them being the number 1 defense in the country at the time
and broke this guy’s spirit.
I loooooove having spirit breakers on my team, mostly because I hate facing spirit breakers (looking at your DeSean Jackson). Going directly at your biggest rival’s biggest strength and ripping their hearts out is the epitome of a spirit breaker. Saquon and Odell are both potential spirit breakers if we can ever get a consistent offense back in East Rutherford. Adding one behind center would be nightmare fuel for the other NFC East fanbases.
Con: Was a starter for only 1 season in college
I understand that a player only starting one season in college makes him hard to grade. But when that player goes for 50 and 8 in that one season, it should ease some of those concerns. I don’t know what the Giants can do to get him another season of college experience. Try to pull some Red Auerbach rule book shit by drafting Haskins and sending him to a Juco to get a little more seasoning? It would be a double bonus if that Juco was the team for Last Chance U. I love that fucking show. It’s time to drop some fire on your earballs.
But seriously, if Trevor Lawrence was able to enter the draft today, would teams be scared to draft him after only 1 season as a starter? I don’t know. The entire draft process for quarterbacks makes my head hurt. I just want another 2-time Super Bowl MVP as my team’s signal caller.
Pro: Grew up a Giants fan
If you grew up a Giants fan during the Eli Manning Era, you have a toughness as well as irrational confidence that many other NFL fanbases don’t have. And anybody that simply mentions the name Amani Toomer is pretty much family in my book.
Con: His name is Dwayne
I’m not trying to name shame here (we usually save that for Podfathers), but Dwayne is a tough name for a leader. There’s a reason The Rock goes by The Rock Dwayne Johnson and not Dwayne Johnson. He tries to bury that name because it’s kinda weird and also the name of the guy who gets buttfucked on national television (not that there’s anything wrong with it).
Then again, I loved the name Dwayne Bowe, partially because it was just so much fun to say and even type. Dwayne Bowe. His name also made a classic fantasy football team name (Somewhere Over The Dwayne Bowe) and he can actually rap.
So maybe the name Dwayne isn’t all that bad. Simply being associated with The Rock raises it a few points in my book.
Pro: Twitter handle
I haven’t done a deep dive to see if Haskins has any problematic tweets. Hopefully he already has paid someone to scrub anything even close to offending people in 2019, which is pretty much everything, from his timeline. But anybody with the true king of Pride Rock in their @ is cool with me.
Con: Apparently cannot grow facial hair
Not to go all beardo hardo here, but I need the face of my franchise to be able to grow hair on his face if the entire team is doing playoff beards. You can’t have your signal caller with a smoother face than Frankie Borelli while the rest of the team is scruffy as hell. It’s like when the Knicks used to shave their heads of the playoffs in the 90s and Patrick Ewing didn’t do it because he (correctly) thought he would look utterly ridiculous with a shaved head. The bottom line is those Knicks teams never won a ring with Ewing and that little bit of juju could have been the thing that separated John Starks’ three-pointer in Game 6 from going in or getting partially blocked by Hakeem Olajuwon. I also admit I have become a bit of a beard snob because I finally grew one since the part of my brain that is bothered by long facial hair stopped working because my kids have broken my brain.
Pro: Mike Francesa says he’s not a good player
Welp, I’ve seen enough. Dwayne Haskins is officially at the top of my Big Board and Canton should start working on his Hall of Fame bust. The reverse Francesa mush is stronger than college stats, workouts, and pre-draft interviews combined. Dwayne Haskins was guaranteed to win multiple MVPs the minute Numbah One uttered those words.
And in case you need more convincing, just watch this Haskins highlights mixtape.
Okay, every mixtape makes the player its about look like a Hall of Famer. But can you imagine Haskins with Saquon, Odell, Engram, Shep, and a rebuilt offensive line?
So it’s time to fall in love with Dwayne Haskins, Giants fans. I don’t know if he will fall to 6, if any QB-needy teams will trade up to take him (I could see the Jets trading the 3 pick to one of those teams just to fuck with us) or if Jon Gruden will ignore the plethora of stud pass rushers to really steer into the skid of trading Khalil Mack and take a QB at number 4 that he will inevitably hate by Week 2 of the preseason. But it’s Haskins or nothing for me this year*. Now we just need to work on a better Photoshop, because the colors of that 7 are bleeding like a motherfucker.
*JK, I can talk myself into Drew Lock, Will Grier, Daniel Jones after watching one their highlight mixtapes or tell myself that tanking for Tua/Fromm next year or galaxy braining it and doing 2 more years of Eli before going 0-16 in 2020 to secure Trevor Lawrence in 2021 is the way to go. I just don’t want to draft another Dave Brown and be stuck in QB hell (which is worse than QB purgatory) as Odell and Saquon’s primes waste away