Tim Tebow Is Finally Engaged And About To Get His Sex On
I almost said he’s about to get his “fuck” on but the internet is a family website so I opted to describe Tim Tebow clapping cheeks as “sex.” For the kids.
Huuuuuuuge congrats to our guy who’s about to smash for the first time in his life (*wink* because I count myself amongst the folks who absolutely refuse to believe that he’s a virgin because I can’t comprehend that kind of commitment to faith).
I’d give him some pointers but A) I stink at sex so me giving penetration pointers would be like him giving quarterbacking pointers and B) I don’t think Tim is scared of the moment. He’s not gonna be getting pre-fuck jitters. He survived a locker room with Aaron Hernandez, won a national championship, beat Dick LeBeau in the playoffs when beating Dick LeBeau was kind of still a thing. He’s ready. He’s been preparing his whole life for this. And if shit doesn’t go well then he can just fake an injury like I do when I need a minute and say my leg is locking up. He did study under Urban Meyer, after all.
All I care about is thank god I can finally stop thinking about another man’s virginity. I’ve literally spent more of my life concerned with Tim Tebow’s virginity than I spent worrying about my own. (That’s not to say I lost it early like a cool kid, I was actually a late bloomer aka loser. I just didn’t even register mine until I was like 13 so I only worried about it for 5 or 6 years, while I’ve been talking about Tim’s for roughly a decade.)