Restaurant Week Blows
If you thought this was going to be a foodie blog let me quickly remind you I recently wrote/recorded a whole song about buying Matt Nagy Italian beef. I’m a Miller Lite and grilled sausage guy by nature. I don’t care at all about what chef is where and why it’s such a special opportunity to indulge and all that mumbo jumbo. Just not my bag. You want to move my needle, grill some onion and slather this all vienna beef polish.
Not everyone is like me though. Some of you want fancy food experiences and much more tragically, some of you are trapped in a relationship that’s about to drag you through the depths of hell.
Folks I’m talking about Chicago Restaurant Week. The time has come. If it hasn’t already happened your girl is about to blow your inbox up with stuff like have you heard of this place? Do you want to check it out Friday after work? Should I text Gina and see if we can do a group thing? Did you know the owner almost won like the first top chef?
No. No. No. No.
I didn’t know any of that and like hell will I actively participate. Hear me out.
Restaurant week is billed as a the biggest restaurant event of the year, whatever the fuck that means:
Chicago Restaurant Week returns for two weeks of dining deals from hundreds of celebrated restaurants all across the city. This year’s Chicago Restaurant Week will be the largest ever, with nearly 400 local restaurants participating. That includes over 100 first-time participants and 45 suburban restaurants. The 12th annual culinary celebration features special prix fixe menus starting at $24 for brunch and lunch, and $36 and/or $48 for dinner (excluding beverages, tax and gratuity). It’s the perfect excuse to visit an old favorite or try somewhere new.
It sounds great on paper but then you remember at the end of the day everyone’s running a business. There’s no free handouts. No free lunches. And everything comes full circle.
Restaurant week in Chicago is no different. What you save on apps and extremely small servings of protein is put double into the fact that you just ate the most high-margin, low labor piece of shit that place has to offer.
On top of that, the server just recapped the wine menu and there’s good news: we just received a fresh batch of 2011 and beyond Pinots from a really interesting part of France. Chef hand picked these labels to more naturally align with the kitchen’s efforts this week. It’s definitely a unique opportunity that we can do glass or bottle starting at a $27/$109 split and that does come with a nominal uncorking fee but you can walk out of here with whatever you don’t drink so that’s why we have the uncorking fee. We’ve gotten really good feedback about this one *points at the second most expensive wine*
Your response?
How about this one? *points to second least expensive wine*
Everyone knows you don’t order the cheapest wine. You always go second cheapest so it looks like you know enough to identify value. People love value. Say it with me. Value.
Anyways, Restaurant week is a total fucking scam. I could sit here and point out all the flaws of all 359 participating restaurants, break them down into excel format, share detailed observations yada yada yada but I won’t because u/slimarabia already did it for us on Reddit.
There’s no winning with restaurant week. Your girl is going to make a big deal out of it, mostly because she’s just disappointed in your relationship. Then you gotta find something nice to wear, which is pretty much impossible when it’s 3 degrees outside. You gotta order the uber, sit in the uber, interact with the uber driver. Then you have to check in to a restaurant, wait in the overly crowded bar with all the other mouth breathing boyfriends that have been dragged from their Lakeview two-beds, order some zesty lemon bourbon drink that looks and tastes the same as any other handcrafted cocktail you’ve had. You gotta order one for your girl. Reach over the guy in front of you. Apologize. Spill a little. Leave a bigger tip than normal cuz now you’re just being awkward. You’re now back to your girl, two drinks in hand, posted up in the corner and she’s asking if you can hold her jacket while she checks her phone but then once the phone’s away you’re still holding the jacket. That’s an old hockey trick btw your girl is smart AF. Then you get the call that dinner is ready but you forgot to close your tab so now you’re adding to the wait and your girl is salty because THEY’RE WAITING DAVID and again you don’t even want to be here in the first place. You want to be home pounding through Punisher Season 2 on Netflix because you finally watched Season 1 and it was bomb as fuck. But instead, you’re about to be presented one piece of paper with a predetermined menu that doesn’t fit your agenda at all. You will have no choice but to enjoy it, order wine you can’t appreciate and then the kicker is dessert won’t be included. But your girl will want to try at least two of them and those things are coming in at full price + a little markup to makeup for the slight dip in sales brought on by cheapskates abusing restaurant week. And as luck would have it your bill is exactly what it would be any other day of any other week because that’s how it works. You cannot win. Then next thing you know it’s 10 years later, you’re knee deep in a mortgage you can’t afford to put a roof over kids you resent to keep a woman you’ve always hated happy. I’ve seen it a thousand times.
Do yourself a favor and stay away. Restaurant week blows.