I'm Having A Pitching Competition Against The Saugus Rocket Who Actually Only Throws 68
Okay so real quick here. Saturday night I got a call from Carl while I was all shithammered and he said “YO YOU HAVE TO BLOG THIS JARED JUST THREW 68 AT RED SOX CONVENTION!!!”
The operating word here is ‘shithammered’. I was hammered out of my skull and just got home from a long day of day drinking. Call me a “hardo” if you want, but it’s the truth. Had to properly set the scene. I can assure you that I don’t ever, ever think about Jared Carrabis. There’s no rivalry, he just occupies zero percent of my brain. But this is Barstool and we bust balls at Barstool. The KFC combine video was a running joke forever. So I threw up the blog titled “Jared Carrabis just threw 68″ or whatever and was so drunk that I didn’t even realize there was a video/picture floating around of the unfortunate and embarrassing number. All I did was include the video of me throwing 91 (with a crow hop) and hit publish. So Carl calls me back and said “you fucked it up and didn’t include the picture”, which I didn’t, so he edited it himself, included his caption and I went about my night. Completely forgot about it until the next morning.
I could not care less how hard Jared Carrabis throws a baseball. I was giving him shit. But apparently he can’t handle a little shit. So he goes on radio today spitting epithet after epithet at me calling me “Cuntsoxdave” says I bitch to people about not being the national baseball guy, blah blah blah.
I don’t want Jared’s job. He’s good at all the TV shit, which I obviously blow at, insert gum video here, is a better writer than me yada yada yada. But him calling me out for my baseball knowledge? Come on bro. I’m far from some baseball savant, but any asshole can go to fangraphs and put their own spin on numbers and regurgitate OPS and wRC+. Tell me something about baseball I can’t read on the internet. The next time would be the first time.
So some time in the next few weeks, Jared and I are gonna have a pitching contest. 60’6”, we’ll have Chuck Naso aka “Chucky pot stirrer” aka Sales Guy Jr. as the catcher, and we’ll settle this like Kenny Powers and Reg McWorthy. Midget vs. an even bigger midget (me).
And no, I won’t hit 91 off the mound, that’s ridiculous, but Jared “the Rocket” Carrabis has an arm that would get him cut from any decent freshman HS team. Can’t wait for this. And truthbetold I STUNK at baseball once I got to college.
Oh and Jared saying it was only 68 because he didn’t warm up? Did he think I was playing long toss before I went up there chucking? Nope, just a couple arm windmills and let it fly. Look at this video Jared.
Notice the tilt on that pitch? Do you even know what tilt is??
Also – the whole purpose of a speed pitch at any baseball game, convention, etc. is to light up the radar gun as much as possible. Not dot I’s on the corner and command the strike zone, hence the crow hop.