Thank God For Modern Medicine
Just wanted to quickly take some time to thank the advances of modern medicine. I am home sick today with a nasty cold. It’s the third straight day I’ve shown up to work, and then been deemed too sick to stay. Yesterday I only went in for blogger school and today I had in to come for Laces Out. But I’ve gone home each day so I don’t get anyone else sick.
It’s no secret that I’m basically a bubble boy. I catch colds like it’s nobody’s business. Typically, I’m sick from every November to April. I’ve actually been able to fight it off for awhile this year, thankfully. But it was going to get to me eventually. Dave had it right yesterday.
If it wasn’t for modern medicine, I probably would’ve died by 4. Or maybe I would’ve been a stillbirth. Something would’ve definitely taken me out early. Here’s a list of things in my life that could’ve killed had I been born centuries ago.
1998: Shopping Cart Incident
I was at the grocery store Waldbaum’s with my aunt and uncle. They put me in the front of the shopping cart where children sit. Turns out — faulty shopping cart. The cart collapsed and I slid out, scraping my chin against the concrete ground as it tore me open. I was rushed to the doctor and got stitches. I still have a scar, but it’s not very visible so I can’t even use it to get chicks. Anyway, if this had happened before modern medicine I probably would’ve bled to death or caught a bacterial infection.
1999: Salmonella
I was merely three and almost taken out by the stomach infection salmonella, kind of like E. coli. I was going to gymnastics at this time and didn’t like it. I apparently told my parents that I caught it from gymnastics so I could stop going. They saw right through my bullshit. In reality, I most likely got it from Taco Bell. I would not return to a Taco Bell until September of 2013.
Early-Mid 2000’s: Strep Throat
In elementary school, I would miss a ton of school because of strep throat. I had it multiple times per year, and once caught it seven (7!) times in a calendar year before finally getting my tonsils out. Back in the day, strep throat used to be deadly. It is believed that George Washington died from a strep throat. If it took down George Washington, I’m sure it would’ve taken me down too.
Age 12: Brittle Bones
I was abnormally small for my age, to the point where it was unhealthy. It took me until like 9th or 10th grade to crack 5-feet. When I was 12ish (could’ve been 11 or 13 but around here), I found out that I had the bone age of a 7-year-old. I fortunately hadn’t broken a bone at that point, but if I had, he said it would’ve been a very tough recovery process.
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The Lingering Sinus Infection of 2016
Came down with it in November of 2016 and couldn’t shake it for months. Doctor said it was, and I quote, “a lingering sinus infection.” Basically a sinus infection that I just wasn’t strong enough to beat. I remember coming to the office for PMT’s Wet The Beak Bowl where us interns wrestled. Frankie took a Snapchat story of me before the event and I mentioned my lingering sinus infection. It was, fittingly, one of the first times I was ever on camera at Barstool.
The Great Cough Of 2018
I developed a cough in early March last year and it lasted for a couple months. I had it throughout my entire March Madness/Vegas/San Antonio experiences. Things were going so well that it’s only fair I had something bad going on. Had this been 1618, I imagine I would’ve just coughed myself to a slow, painful death.
Those are some of the most memorable ailments that could’ve taken me down had I not been graced by modern medicine. I hope this cold doesn’t make the list.