A List Of Shit I'd Do If I Were Mayor Of Chicago
It’s a crazy time to be a semi-conscious adult in Chicago with all the insane shit going down in our democracy. We have FBI wire taps, viagra conspiracies, handjobs, corruption, witnesses, affidavits, allegations, and a bunch of fancy pants legal jargon like extortion and bribery. Like I said, i’s a crazy time.
As I’ve said before tho and will say again, I’m not here to play politics. I’m here to blog about the Chicago Cubs and living in this awesome city but ever since Barstool Chicago HQ opened for biz on 1/1 the flood of corruption has run wild. It’s remarkable. Apocalyptic almost.
I was thinking I’d be selling Bryce Harper merchandise on January 30th if we’re being honest and obviously I’m not moving merch. Instead, I have 69 year old politicians getting whacked off relentlessly for hours so a utility company could save a few bucks. Great work if you can find it.
Anyways, I realize such admonishment and heat comes with a price. I can’t just sit here and point fingers about how all these people suck without at least offering up some solutions. We call that walking the walk where I’m from. Shoutout Oak Lawn.
Anyways, watching all these politicians publicly burn and suffer is uncomfortable. But all is not lost. Like any good comeback story we only need one big play. One big idea to spark the turnaround, which is why I’m happy to present my 10 major talking points for February’s elections. Unfortunately I’m not running for anything but you can feel free to write me in. At the very least I won’t steal from you that’s a Barstool Carl guarantee.
1. Ketchup Tax - Heinz 57. The good stuff. This one hits home with Chicago in two ways. One, it keeps The Hot Dog crowd happy, which is like 86% of the popular vote. Two, ketchup is a highly addictive condiment, You’re surrounded by ketchup people and you don’t even know it. Bologna sandwiches. Meatloaf. Eggs. Obviously french fries don’t make me say it. That’s the overwhelming majority. Point is when people who want ketchup reach for ketchup, they expect ketchup. I know for a fact they’ll pay extra for that comfort so boom ketchup tax. 50 cents an ounce to start with 100% going to the pension fund. Two birds with one stone.
2. Chicago Flag, Generally - This one’s a no brainer. Everyone and their mother is ripping off Chicago’s flag including me right now BUY BUY BUY
But seriously you can’t take a piss without someone commercializing Chicago’s flag. Every barcrawl flyer, airport gift shop, men’s softball jersey etc. is profiting from the flag and it’s time Streets & Sanitation sees a piece of the action. (Buy that flag.)
3. Chicago Flag Tattoo Tax: another no brainer and potential huge revenue source, for a lot of different reasons. Take a look an hear me out:
I’m of the mindset all Chicago Flag tattoos need to be registered with the City of Chicago, Department of Flag. Initial registration fee $300 with a $500 annual fee. This is can’t miss cash. Registration is on a scout’s honor basis so don’t be that guy. We need more of that btw.
4. Chicago Flag Tattoo CREDIT: I’m slashing property taxes for everyone sporting a flag tattoo provided you register with the city. So that’s on you. I just want a collection of all my favorites like that google collage I’ve been working on. Anyways, still working on the economics of this but my brain says if you’re willing to tattoo it on your body for life, you want to stay here which is why I want to make it easy on you. Small guidelines: I need full calf/leg visibility or at least 40% showing on a short sleeve t-shirt. I won’t accept back or chest tattoos. Shoulders count but only if it’s themed after a Bear tearing through your skin. I don’t make the rules.
In exchange for your dedication you get the cash equivalency of your tattoo registration fee discounted from your property taxes this year. I’m a CPA. You can trust me.
5. Extortion (For Public) - Bit of a curveball here but allow me to play Robin Hood for just one moment. Alderman Ed Burke is under investigation for trying to strong arm a South Side Burger King into some easy and expensive legal work. Said they needed to give him a bunch of shit to get renovations done at their BK and blah blah blah. Uncle Ed was out trying to make a quick buck for his old lady. Shocker.
Here’s where I flip the script. I tell BK keep your money and instead give me two free whopper days and free XL cokes for any kid wearing some kind of uniform: baseball, ballerina, etc. Bring the family out have some fun. Each Saturday & Sunday I’ll have the King hanging out signing autographs fucking with you and your hungover buddies.
And now we’re really building a community.
6. Unauthorized Handjobs – Little dicey but I feel like since Alderman Danny Solis got popped for this it’s important I put my campaign stance out there: I will not get whacked off on the city’s dime or the city’s time. Put it on a t-shirt and ride me into City Hall because that motto will not change. If I get a rub and tug it won’t be expensed to the Cook County Hospital general fund. It’s coming from good ole Ulysses S. Grant right out of my front pocket.
7. Legalize Marijuana - I’m winning an election here guys let’s lighten up
8. Do Not Legalize Gambling – My most controversial one here but I’m dying on this hill and you can join me.
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When I lose, I want my money to go to my bookie’s wife’s new tits. I want it to go towards a sports car. A blowjob. A pile of cash on a strippers ass somewhere I can’t afford much less imagine. That’s where my gambling losses need to go. Dirty, fast, loose things. Don’t take that satisfaction away from me.
FURTHERMORE, I value my bookie’s relationship. I asked you guys for stories the other day and you did not disappoint.
I can’t wait to publish that blog later today. You guys are the best, right up there with traders.
The second we let the state of Illinois get involved with sports gambling it will get ruined. Don’t ask me how. Don’t ask me why. Just trust me. Illinois ruins everything.
9. More Limosuines – People are going to be coming to Chicago a lot more on my watch due to the free whoppers and affordable marijuana so let’s keep it real: we need more limousines cruising the streets. There’s just something about seeing a classy 6-door limousines waiting out a red light on Michigan avenue. Shit like that makes you feel good about yourself even though your not in the limousine. You’re like damn that must be fuckin nice inside that limousine and then whoops you’re a confident young man spending money and driving economic activity. Gotta spend money to make money.
10. More 4am Bars – No disrespect to the classics you know who you are No Free Ads. Just saying the city should have several 4ams and privatize late night all vienna beef stands directly adjacent. Everyone gets a beef with the proceeds going towards our $32.5 Billion debt.
Brick by brick. Beef by beef.