Florida City Commissioner Resigns After Being Outed as a Serial Face Licker

Florida - It was supposed to be a fun, lighthearted alternative to typical government meetings, and one befitting a laid-back beach town.  …

But things quickly got out of hand. … By her own admission, Nancy Oakley, a city commissioner in Madeira Beach, had done some drinking at the fishing competition. She spotted Shane Crawford, then city manager, and Cheryl McGrady, his executive assistant. The two would later marry but were in relationships with other people at the time. Oakley suspected them of having an affair.

Using expletives, she demanded that McGrady, who was supposed to be acting as deputy city clerk and taking the minutes, be removed. Then, after the otherwise low-key meeting concluded, Oakley walked up to Crawford again. She allegedly licked his neck and the side of his face, slowly working her way up from his Adam’s apple, and grabbed at his crotch and buttocks.

McGrady, who had been standing there the entire time, told Oakley her behavior was inappropriate. According to the report, Oakley threw a punch at the woman, but missed.

It wasn’t an isolated incident, Crawford told Bay News 9 last month. Oakley had a “habit of licking men that either she was attracted to or thought that she had authority over,” he said.

I’m going to try not to let this destroy my faith in an American political class that already has more than its share of leaders who wore blackface in their college yearbook, harass the help, lie about their heritage to get ahead, take bribes, steal from the public treasury and are just general assholes. Much, much, much more than its share.

And I have no idea which end of the political spectrum Nancy Oakley is on. Nor do I care. The point is, if it’s her political style to put her thick, slimy, vodka-soaked tongue on men’s necks, lick them across the face, grab their ass and squeeze their junk, who cares? As long as it gets results. Everyone has different approaches to leadership. And if her approach works, if it helps the working families every candidate drones on about at election time, then so be it. If she solves problems that way, fine. If not, she should apologize and find a more effective means to get stuff done.

I mean, if JFK got the Cuban Missile Crisis solved by running his moist tongue across Khrushchev’s mouth, that bother any body? If we could get North Korea to disarm by sending the President of South Korea to French Kim Jong Un and lick his Adam’s Apple, history won’t care about the tongue bath. He’ll just be remembered for making the world safer.

I’m not saying that’s the case. With them or with Miss Oakley. That’s up to the voters of Madeira Beach to decide. I just know that this boozy, face-licking, punch-throwing, ball-grabbing vulgarity monkey can represent me any time.