The Boston Bruins Robbed The World Of Seeing Joe Thornton's Dick On The Ice Last Night
Joe Thornton is currently playing in his 21st season in the NHL. He’s 15th all time in career NHL points with 1461. But even after all those years and all of those points, Joe Thornton still isn’t a 500-career goal scorer in the NHL. That’s because this man absolutely hates to score. It’s his least favorite part about hockey. A perfect season for Joe Thornton would be maybe a few empty netters and then 100 assists. So when he scored a hat trick last night against the Boston Bruins, it was like a miracle. I mean that almost never happens. Don’t believe me? Here are the numbers.
Joe Thornton has played in 1544 career NHL games. He has only scored a hat trick in 5 of those games. That means that he only has a hat trick in one out of every 308 games played. Divide that by 82 and it means that Joe Thornton scores one hat trick in ever 3.75 seasons. The last time he scored a hat trick before last night was damn near 9 years ago. October 27, 2010 against the New Jersey Devils to be exact.
So why am I talking about how rare it is for Joe Thornton to score a hat trick? And how did the Boston Bruins rob the world of seeing Jumbo whip out his cock right there on the ice? Well let’s go back to October 2013 real quick after a rookie Tomas Hertl had just put up 4 goals against the New York Rangers. He went between the legs for his 4th goal of the night, which was the 8th of the game for San Jose, and the hockey world took exception to it. So when reporters were asking about it, Jumbo Joe chimed in with one of the most legendary quotes in NHL history.
“I’d have my cock out if I scored four goals. I’d have my cock out, stroking it” – Joseph Eric Thornton
Joe Thornton still hasn’t scored 4 goals in a game so 6 years later, we still haven’t been able to see if he is a man of his word or not yet. But last night was the first chance since that quote that Joe Thornton could have possibly tossed 4 in the back of the net. Little known fact here but you need to score 3 goals before you can score your 4th, and last night was Joe Thornton first hat trick since that quote.
All the Boston Bruins had to do was let Jumbo light the lamp one more time. It’s a regular season game. What’s the big deal? It was just so selfish of them to prefer winning the game in overtime rather than seeing if Joe Thornton would actually take out his cock and stroke it after scoring his 4th of the night. They prioritized a win for themselves over a win for the entire hockey world. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Makes me sick. And considering it took 9 years between Joe Thornton’s last two hat tricks, I just simply do not know if we have another 9 years left of Jumbo to see this ever happen. It was a devastating blow last night, and one in which I do not think we’ll ever be able to overcome.