In Appreciation Of That Thicc-Ass Oval Office Door You See In Movies And Stuff
This is going to be a ongoing series of columns for little stuff I notice in the world that makes it a better place for dumb smallbrain reasons that appeal to the lizard part of my cerebral cortex that makes me scared of russian bridge-climbing videos, or realy excited when I watch a truck commercal and the guys throws a dusty bag of rusty dirty sand into the bed and a big ass cloud pops up. Hell yeah, now thats truck.
The first topic of the “Cool Stuff My Dumb Brain Truly Enjoys” series: I am in love with the thicc ass oval office door you see portrayed in film and on TV. Allow your meaty eyes to get lost in the sheer girth of this door from the American Film Classic “The American President” (great title btw):
Some say it started out as a extremeley thin door but through years of being coated with errant sprays of semen from JFK, Bill Clinton, and mostly Jimmy Carter it grew into the big bastard you see before you today:
While this still might look more like it was from whitehouse dot com then whitehouse dot gov, This shot from the offical govt site is basicaly the WASP version of the last thing Joe Pescis character saw in Goodfellas. All I know is if I see a door like that in the wild Im stopping dead in my tracks out of respect for the craftsmanship. There are certain doors if life you know your just not good enough to walk through, and I would put this one right up there with a pearly gate, and the exit at the front of movie theaters that dads use because its like 30 seconds closer to the car.
What are the reasons for it being so big? Possbly to dissuade Henry Kissingers Kool-Aid-Man-pitcher-filled-with-curdled-breast-milk body from busting through it at all hours of the day to offer helpful solutions to every problem that he created with the exeception of his own insulin readouts. It could be that size on account of as President, its easiest to tell which senator is most triggered by your masterfull trolling of Otto Wamblers corpse based on how hard they shut the door behnd them, and the thickness of this frame almost provides the room with its own “you mad bro” as a echo when its shut and you’ve fully owned your opponent into not comprimising with you.
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Some shows and films really take artistic license with how big it is- for example Homeland takes it up to a level I didnt even know existed. I dont know if its the lighting or what but dear god this door is hot. Like it got implants:
That door is bigger then the spines of every Presdents who have walked past it. Im not exactly sure why I find this big door so visually appealing but it probly has something to do with the fact that it makes me feel safer as a person knowing that there a extra couple inches of plywood that stand between a tour group and the red button that destroys the planet and also keeps us safe.
This type of door can only exist on TV shows that are about the white house and how cool it is to be the most powerfull/best person in the world. If Jerrys door was this reinforced on Seinfeld, Kramer would of driven his sedan into a propane tank due to CTE by season 3.
Some TV shows on the other hand are very problematic and unrealistic due to the choice of a actor to play the President as a mentally deranged person who has a sexual obsesson with teenagers who arent even there family members. But there’s still The Door:
Im a simple man with simple desires. My dream home is a one-level ranch style house with
1. a wraparound porch for go-karts that I can hose down in the wintertime to make a speed skating rink and flood in the summer to make a lazy river
2. a electric fenced in area where Brett Favre is kidnapped and forced to wear wranglers and a khaki carhardt jacket whilst throwing footballs for my dogs when theyre in need of excercise
3. and every door in the house to be the same size and thickness of the Oval Office entrance
