The Top "Pimp My Ride" Upgrades of All Time

KB4/10/2019 10:34 PM

In 1886, a German engineer named Karl Benz changed the course of humanity with his invention of the automobile. In 1908, an American businessman named Henry Ford further revolutionized transportation with his introduction of the Model T. And in 2004, a world-renowned musician named Alvin Nathaniel Joiner, or “Xzibit” for short, completely redefined the meaning, purpose, and general logic of the modern automobile with six iconic seasons of the award-winning* MTV television show Pimp My Ride.

Since today is the 15th anniversary of the classic show, I decided to pay tribute to one of the most preposterous premises in television history in the best way possible: By going back and viewing each of the episodes’ descriptions online and ranking Xzibit’s best performances based solely on 1-2 poorly-written sentences.

The Sweet 16 of “Pimp My Ride” Upgrades

16. Multiple DVD players and a motorized closet

What’s the most annoying part about watching a movie while driving? Not being able to simultaneously watch another movie while efficiently changing into a new outfit, because your car only has one DVD player and zero motorized closets. But thanks to the numerous tricks up Xzibit’s sleeves, Jekara escaped that nightmarish fate and no longer had to worry about the woes of owning a car that’s older than “whites only” water fountains.

15. Aquarium and 10-inch monitor

Thanks to the masterminds at West Coast Customs, Jared went from driving a beat-up 1985 Ford Ranger that smells like shit to driving a beat-up 1985 Ford Ranger that smells like dead fish and has bigger wheels.

14. Cotton candy machine and robotic arm

I purchase and consume cotton candy at least a couple times every decade, so I’m regularly fantasizing about being able to enjoy an unlimited amount of the delicious treat from the comfort of my own car. Throw in a *checks notes* robotic arm, and that, indeed, is my ultimate fantasy car.

13. Terrarium, reptile seats, safari lounge, and a snakeskin paint job

Whats the best way to modify a 1973 Volkswagen with a sputtering engine, squeaky brakes, and a broken starter motor? Giving it a full-on fucking “snakeover” and providing its owner with the unique opportunity to take care of plant-life when she’s broken down on the side of the highway.

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12. Tiki graphics, binoculars, and an Italian-ice machine

Like most twenty-somethings, I’m sure Esmerelda’s biggest issue with her piece-of-shit car was the fact that it didn’t conveniently allow her to do some bird watching while enjoying a sweetened frozen dessert. Like a team of magic genies, Xzibit and the boys at West Coast Customs granted her all the tools to make that wish come true. And they even threw in some bonus…..Tiki graphics.

11. Gum ball machine, scrapbooking station, and virtual-reality gaming seats

I’m not exactly hip to scrapbooking culture, but I’m having trouble picturing a better atmosphere for practicing the tedious hobby than the backseat of a 2002 Chevy Cavalier that’s going 70+ miles per hour down an interstate. Throw in a gum ball machine and some sleek gaming chairs, and I doubt Amber and her plethora of scrapbooking passengers would ever want to leave the car.

10. Barbecue grill and refrigerator

What’s better than being able to safely and effectively drive your shoddy, 37-year-old motor vehicle? Being able to have a full-blown fucking cookout in it.

9. A pool table

I’ve often said that the one thing that’s stopping me from becoming a professional billiards player is the fact that I can’t practice the sport in my car.

8. Water bed and high-powered satellite dish

It’s the auto upgrade that many critics are still calling Xzibit’s magnum opus.

7. Ping-pong table, couch, TV, and Nintendo GameCube

Why would you do things like “drive” and “go places” with your vehicle when you can use it to do things like gaming and playing table tennis?

*Bonus pictures*

6. Hot tub

Some dude called Nate a loser for driving a shitty Ford Econoline. Imagine thinking you’re cooler than someone who has a hot tub in their car. A fucking hot tub?

5. Literal waterfalls, LCD flip monitor/DVD player, badminton net, shuttlecock launcher, laptop, wireless keyboard, microscope

You ever get the itch to play a good old game of badminton, but you don’t have the time or energy to set up the net and launch your own shuttlecocks? If so, then you can probably imagine the pure ecstasy that Tin felt when Xzibit pimped his Dodge Caravan in such a way.

4. Laundromat and arcade