Okay But Seriously, Who Shit In Tormund's Pants? An Investigative Report:
There have been many of memorable moments and scenes and lines throughout the 8 seasons of Game Of Thrones. Maybe some of the most memorable moments in the history of television.
But through everything that has happened so far in this series, there has never been a better line than Tormund showing up to the party last and asking, “Which one of you cowards shit in my pants?”. That line puts “I drink and I know things” to shame, and pretty much 65% of all social media accounts have that line somewhere in their bio. But while it was an incredible line from Tormund, it was also an incredibly important and reasonable question.
Just who exactly shit in Tormund’s pants? Because we know it couldn’t possibly have been Tormund himself. Big T is an open book. He doesn’t hold anything back. If he shit his own pants, he’d let everybody know that he shit his own pants. It had to have been somebody else who rocked a deuce in his drawers. So after doing a little bit of digging, I decided to rank my top 5 main suspects right now. Starting off with….
5. Sam Tarly
Sammy Boy was clearly shitting himself during the entire Battle of Winterfell. Buddy was a -31 in that battle. I’ve honestly never seen a more pathetic performance. But here’s the thing–Sam went into that battle talking a big game. He kept flexing about being one of the first and only people in Westeros to kill a White Walker. He was talking himself up so hard, so it would be an absolutely miserable look for him to come back from that battle with some pants filled with crap. Especially with Gilly waiting for him in the crypts. She’d have no other option but to divorce his ass if he came back with shitty drawers. So what does Sam Tarly do? He finds a passed out Tormund and unloads some of his shit right into his pants. Sam has much more to lose if people found out that he shit himself, and he knows that Tormund would almost prefer to be walking around with a dump in his pants.
The only reason why Sam isn’t higher up on my list is because I don’t think he’d have the time to pull off a frame job like this since he was getting his ass kicked by wights the whole time.
4. Bran “I’m Not Brandon Stark, I’m The Three Eyed Raven” Stark
I feel like Bran has just been fucking with everybody this entire season. All he’s been doing is dropping some weird ass references and creeping everybody out. A lot of people have been wondering just what in the frick he was doing during the Battle of Winterfell when he decided to warg out and find the Night King. But what if he didn’t actually warg into those birds? What if Bran decided to play one last prank on humanity and he warged into Tormund during the battle and then shit his pants as Tormund?
At this point, nothing that comes from Bran would surprise me. So I could definitely see this happening. But I also think that Bran has turned into one of those douche bags who thinks that poop comedy is too “low brow”. The kind of guy who makes a joke that absolutely nobody understands even after he explains it for the 5th time. But maybe if he was pressed for time and couldn’t come up with anything better, warging into Tormund and making him shit his pants could be the move.
3. Ghost
Tormund and Ghost are about to embark on some adventures north of the Wall. I would love if they decided to do a spin-off buddy cop show for those two. They’re practically Shaggy and Scooby Doo. So what better way to kick off the buddy cop comedy than with Ghost shitting in Tormund’s pants? It’s highly unlikely, I know, but it would be perfect. Also–nobody expected Ghost to be able to come out of that battle alive so if he was able to survive Winterfell, he’d clearly be able to also shit in Tormund’s pants. Anything is possible.
2. Jaime “Yeah I’ll Call You In The Morning” Lannister
This one seems like the most logical answer to me. Jaime was getting all sorts of jealous over Tormund trying to take Ser Brienne to Plow Town. And that fuck boy wanted to be the first person to climb that mountain. So what better way to neutralize Tormund as a threat? Drop a massive deuce in his pants and then tell everybody in Winterfell that Tormund crapped himself. You think Brienne is going to lose her virginity to a dude with a dump in his pants? Heck no.
And by the way–the King Slayer is the biggest frat star in Westeros. Got Brienne drunk, snatched up that virginity, then just hit the road in the morning without a single plan of ever actually calling her again. Sucks to see Brienne catch feelings like that but everybody could have seen that one coming.
1. Arya Stark, The Death Slayer
Jaime certainly had the most reason to shit in Tormund’s pants. But if there’s anybody who could pull off a procedure like this and be so stealthy about it that Tormund couldn’t realize that somebody else was dropping a massive log into his own pants, it’s Arya. I mean she just got done sneaking past a thousand zombies to kill the biggest threat to humanity that the world had ever seen. If Arya can sneak up on the Night King, she can easily sneak up on Tormund.
Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Well what reason would Arya have to shit in Tormund’s pants?”. And the answer to that question is that a girl has no reason. She’s just out there fucking around. She already told Gendry that she’s not a lady. She was just doing it for shits and gigs, pun slightly intended. And why else do you think that she would just bounce from Winterfell that fast? She didn’t want to stick around for when people started asking questions. She dropped the deuce and then got out of there. Just to give her a little something to laugh about as she takes the trip down to King’s Landing.
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So there they are. My 5 main suspects for crapping in Tormund’s pants but I’m almost certain that we can just close the case with Arya. And you know what? If I know Tormund the way I think I do, he would have no issues at all with Arya shitting in his pants. He’d respect the hell out of that move. I just hope that we get some closure on it at some point over these next two episodes though.