In Shocking News, Men Are Here For The Wrong Reasons: The Bachelorette Night One Recap

The wait is over and Hannah B’s season of The Bachelorette is off and running. Roll Tide was said no less than a million times, so if you had that in your Bachelorette drinking game, you ended your night in a great spot.

Let’s break down each guy as they made their night one impressions on Hannah. I’m also going to try and link all the men’s Instagrams for research purposes.

First out the limo…

Garrett

Garrett is 27 years old, super cute, and a golf pro from Birmingham, Alabama. On paper, seems like a perfect fit for Hannah. He had a golf joke ready to go as he stepped out the limo. He didn’t get a lot of time with Hannah during this first episode but I’m sure that will change.

Mike is 31 years old and seems like a total charmer, plus he has a great smile. I think he made a great first impression with Hannah. Oh and in his video package we met his great grandmother and it was ADORABLE.

Jed

Jed’s Instagram is private but I linked it here.  He is a 25 year old singer/songwriter from Nashville which means I have my guard up with this one. Anytime a singer comes on this show it is clearly for the attention. I know it’s his talent so obviously he want to impress Hannah, but singing a song to her night one makes me think he wants to get his name out there. Oh and don’t worry, Jed has his latest song linked to his Spotify in his Instagram bio!

Tyler C.

Tyler C. is also a private Instagram guy, but it worth checking out just to see his profile photo. He’s 26 years old and a general contractor, and clearly models on the side. Tyler seemed either very drunk or very nervous (maybe both) night one. He got a video package at the beginning where he revealed he loves to dance…and then continued to goofy dance all other the place. Even though he had a little bit of a dud first night, I think Tyler C. is going far. Man’s got a pretty face.

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Dylan

Dylan is 24 years old and a tech entrepreneur. I don’t know who told Dylan that jacket was a good idea for night one because OOF. He came in with his best maitre d’ look.

Connor S.

Hand up, I’ve got a big crush on Connor S. He is very tall and HOT. He’s a 24 year old investment analyst  and he had a little bit of a leg up last night because he met Hannah during the final rose last season. I don’t even care that Connor was the first guy to make a fence jumping joke. He yelled from the other side of the gate…and jumped right over (impressive) to head to Hannah. Connor S. has a bright future in the bachelor universe. I’m just going to leave this second Instagram post for no particular reason whatsoever.

Devin

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Alright Devin is a 27 year old talent manager who wore a horrible tie and immediately made a virgin joke to Hannah. He told her he was a virgin and then was like “haha!! jk!! Got ya!!” Hopefully Devin can redeem himself after that because the last thing Hannah wants to do right now is date another virgin.

John Paul Jones

Okay JPJ’s Instagram handle being johnpauljonesjohnpauljones is kind of hilarious. This 24 year old blonde made quite the impression by opening with “My name is John Paul Jones, my friends call me John Paul Jones, so you can call me John Paul Jones!” Trent could not have nailed it anymore than he did by saying this man is 100% an alien.

Brian

Brian is a 30 year old math teacher and it shows. That man came out of the limo with so much teacher enthusiasm and totally fumbled over his entrance with a very nervous laugh. That did not help his case because Hannah sent him home during the rose ceremony.

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Scott

(Credit to Scott for still having his Instagram open)
Scott is a 28 year old software sales exec and boyyyyy did he shit the bed night one. Thank god for Scott because he brought the drama. ABC decided to have Demi and Kate from Colton’s season scout out the men from a sketchy white van in the driveway. Demi was also just hilarious talking about all the guys and judging them with ease. Queen Demi had the intel that there was a man on the show who still had a girlfriend back home that was told to wait for him while he’s on the show. And girl had receipts. That man was Scott. Obviously Demi told Hannah who then brought down the hammer on Scott. That guy cracked so fast! He tried to deny it, then he admitted, THEN he tried to say it was the same thing as Hannah just dating Colton!!!

The nerve of this guy. I’m sure tons of contestants break up with the person they’re seeing or dating or whatever before they guy on the show. The credit goes to the woman for being ruthless enough to send all the evidence to Demi, which means she wanted to expose him, which means Scott probably isn’t that great. Hannah was a badass, kicked his ass out of the house, and it was awesome.

Matteo

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Matteo is a 25 year old management consultant, who (from his bio) we have learned is also a sperm donor who has created 114 children. I’m sure that will be a very entertaining conversation to watch between Hannah and Matteo when he reveals this fun fact. He had a cute entrance, was definitely nervous to meet Hannah, and upon further review of his Instagram, I approve.

Daron

Daron is a 25 year old IT consultant with a private instagram who got about 3 seconds of air time night one so not much to say about him!

Tyler G.

Tyler G. is a 28 year old grad student and he revealed to Hannah that since he found out she was The Bachelorette, she’s been in all his dreams! Sweet? Creepy? A little bit of both?

Thomas

Thomas is a 27 year old international basketball player who unfortunately didn’t make a connection with Hannah because he is sent home during the rose ceremony. He also seems to be Instagramless.

Matthew

Matthew is a 23 year old car bid spotter and got his intro cut short to make room for the box king. All we saw was him say his name and he called himself Matt. So I’m going to call him Matt.

Joe

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Joe is the 30 year old box king from Chicago. I don’t know about you guys but I only have room in my heart for one Chicago Joe and he was in the grocery biz. THANK GOD Hannah felt the same way. Joe showed up in a giant cardboard box that he jumped out of and called himself the box king WAY too many times all night long. I think he may have come on a little too aggressive with Hannah, popping out of the box and screaming, “HANNAH THIS PACKAGE ISN’T COMPLETE WITHOUT YOUUUUUU.” I also need to remind you that in his ABC bio he lists Las Vegas being his favorite place in the entire world. Yikes. Joe did not make it past night one, although from his Instagram it seems he is able to laugh about it all.

Joey

Joey is a 33 year old finance manager who showed up with a child’s carseat to show Hannah. He had a bottle of champagne hidden under the blanket, but obviously wanted to send the message that he’s ready to settle down ASAP. If I’m 24 year old Hannah, I’m very nervous about the man who immediately wants to have my babies.
I also saw a lot of concerns with Joey’s haircut. I don’t know the ins and outs of men’s hair but I know Chief was very upset.

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Connor J.

Connor J. is a 28 year old sales manager and he spoke French to Hannah during his entrance. I guess it’s supposed to be sexy but honestly just speak English. I would like to know what you’re actually saying. We saw a video package for Connor and met his adorable grandmother (seeing a trend with grandparents) which immediately won him points. Connor J. also set up a bachelorette party for Hannah which was cute and a good way to be remembered night one. Of course he had to place a crown on her head like the true pageant queen Hannah is.

Ryan

Ryan is a 25 year old “roller boy.” Yes, that was the bio ABC gave him, which is a dead giveaway he was going home night one. Remember sloth girl? She was also a night one departure. ABC loves to give the contestants with short appearances dumb occupations to get everyone talking.
This tweet was also going around last night about Ryan…seems like Hannah dodged a bullet sending him home night one.

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Hunter

Hunter is a 24 year old surfer who cheesed it up for his entrance. He asked Hannah if she could “give him a hand so they could tie the knot” while pulling his tie out of his pocket so Hannah could help him put it on. Hunter did not make it past night one.

Grant

Grant is 30 years old and unemployed and came in with a sausage party joke (kinda funny). He brought some mustard with him and said “they can relish the night and make sure they ketchup inside.” Something about Grant bothers me. I think it has to do with his ABC bio that says he is ready to call out the younger guys for being there for the wrong reasons, so I’m already assuming this guy is going to cause some drama that will just throw himself under the bus.

Jonathan

Jonathan is a 27 year old server who served some pizza to Hannah right out of the limo. “Will you have a pizza my heart?” The men are loving the food puns.

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Kevin

Kevin is a 27 year old behavioral health specialist who walked out of the limo with a bunch of footballs…dropped them all…and said, “I guess I fumbled that introduction.” There aren’t enough eye roll emojis to fit here. Uh if you also take a look at Kevin’s Instagram he really loves his body. Like enough to just post pictures of his pecs. There’s a lot of them and I’m concerned.

Luke P.

So Luke P. met Hannah during the final rose so I guess he decided he would go all out for the limo entrance. King Kong shit. He got on the top of that limo and roared and screamed. You could tell even Hannah Beast was like “okay…sure!! I’ll roar with ya!!” After Scott left, Hannah was upset outside and Luke decided he would be the one to go comfort her. However it was cold and the man didn’t even offer his jacket to her. I guess he just wanted to use his body heat for that. This man is trying way tooooo hard. On top of all this, in his video package he talked about how he would hook up with sooo many chicks in college but then one day he talked to God in the shower and changed his ways. That is a real story.

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Much to my dismay, Luke P. got the first impression rose and they had a very gross makeout sesh. He is a very aggressive kisser.

Luke S.

Ah Luke S, the Nick Viall/Luke Pell lovechild. Luke is a 29 year old political consultant who also met Hannah during the final rose so they didn’t give him much air time last night.

Dustin

Dustin is a 30 year old real estate broker that we ALSO met during the final rose. The men were discussing how these guys all got an advantage, so I’m expecting some of them to have a target on their back.

Cam

Don’t worry Cam the 30 year old software salesman came out and rapped again!!! After he rapped during the final rose and actually got the first rose, it was clear this guy would stick to being the rap guy. I guess go for it when you have legit no worries night one. He waltzed right into the house with his rose on his jacket and knew he could just hang for the night. Also anytime you get someone immediately saying, “I’m not here for my 15 minutes of fame,” he’s probably there for his 15 minutes of fame.

Matt Donald

Matt Donald is a 26 year old medical device salesman who rode into the mansion on a tractor with a big straw hat. He sang a version of Old McDonald with his own name in it (obviously) that was cringey. He also kept his straw hat on all night long and I’m hoping a producer made him do that. Matt Donald impressed America though, Twitter loved him, so even though he went home, maybe he will get a second chance in Paradise.

Chasen

Chasen is a 27 year old commercial airline pilot with a private instagram. Chasen’s name makes me smile. A combination of Jason and Chase. Plus he showed up with a little paper airplane which was cute. Unfortunately for Chasen, there’s another pilot in the mix…

Peter

Battle of the pilots!!! Peter is ALSO a 27 year old pilot but Peter showed up in uniform. Now personally I would go for the guy not in his pilot’s uniform but I guess I’m the exception. Hannah even said she loves a man in uniform. Chasen made a paper airplane but Peter gave her her own set of wings… I’m sad the pilot duel only lasted one night. Chasen went home during the rose ceremony so Peter doesn’t have to worry about being the better pilot all season.

Hannah even managed to make it through her first toast!!

So to sum it up, Luke P got the first impression rose and Brian, Chasen, Hunter, Scott, Joe, Matt, Ryan, and Thomas all went home night one.

After watching this promo…I am pumped for this season. ABC knows exactly how to pull me in. A sex scandal? Amazing. Sign me up.

My top 5 picks: Garrett, Tyler C, Peter, Jed, Luke P.

P.S. I love you, Chris Harrison.