How Many Stars Should I Give This UberPool Experience Of Mine?
So I order an UberPool to get home from work. “What are you poor?” Yeah. But it’s also 3AM so I assume there won’t be too many potential co-passengers nearby at this hour anyway. Naturally someone else requests to share seat as soon as I get in. We’re now en route to my co-peasant’s house, roughly 5 minutes away.
We pull up to this guy’s house and start staring at his front door for signs of life. 4 minutes pass and we are now dangerously close to cancellation fee territory. Finally he walks out, but not alone. His 2 dogs manage to escape out the door right behind him. Both dogs sprint down the block as the guy throws off his backpack to retrieve them. My chauffeur and I sigh and await for our 3rd member to clean up the mess he made. Mind you it’s 3:10 in the morning.
Here’s where some might say that no matter what happens next, I get what I’m asking for if I choose to help this guy here. Believe me, last thing I wanna do right now is get out of the car, let alone chase dogs. However, at both ends of this guy’s block are busy streets and I just witnessed his chocolate lab almost make it’s way into Sarah McLachlan’s crawlspace after nearly getting smoked by a motorcycle. The owner was also in the line of fire trying to grab it so it would have been an easy 3 dead on impact. Time to put my snapchat away. So I tell the Uber I’m gonna give the guy a hand before anyone passes away here and he hits me back with a Marco from Tripoja “Good Luck.”
I walk up to this guy and realize he’s only like 21. He notices me and starts saying “sorry man, I’m trying, I’m trying.” Kid’s on the brink of crying in front of strangers right now. Would have been the PERFECT time to drop the “You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!!” line but I fucked up and didn’t think of it til the next day. Again, I’m only here for the dogs, but even ISIS would have felt sorry for this one. I reluctantly respond back with “it’s cool dude…let me know if I could help somehow.” He says that he’s going to work on catching his chocolate lab and asks if I can snatch his other dog for him.
No atom in my body wants to so much as attempt to catch this dude’s dog, but, as in most cases, I have to if I want to get home. I see my target standing straight ahead and we lock eyes.
Upon further review, the dog I’ll be chasing this evening appears to be some breed of sheep dog. For sure. The owner is up against a cuddly chocolate labrador right now while I’m man-to-man with a wolf over here. Straight mismatch.
This sheep dog is taking one step away from me for every step closer I take towards it. The busy street’s 5 feet behind him so if I get any closer I’m walking him off the plank. Out of nowhere, Sheep Dog starts doing suicide drills and I can do nothing but swallow my nails on the sideline. Sheep Dog then returns, now only a couple feet ahead of me, and finally comes to a halt for the 1st time. It’s got its back to me, completely motionless – this is my moment. But then, it lifts its leg up.
I know to never disturb a dog while it’s eating or peeing, ones that were bred to fight foxes in particular, but these are the only circumstances that make it physically possible for me to catch a farm hound. I just want to go to bed and I’m pretty sure if I don’t capitalize within the next 30 seconds the Uber’s gonna leave me on the side of the road.
I start tip-toeing behind it and realize it’s not wearing a collar, of course. Probably chewed it off itself. Had I known this before I wouldn’t have even gotten out of the car. I take one more step and it turns around instantly. It stares at me like a sheep out of line and starts moving away from me. Before it can get too far, I lunge towards it and grab it by its outer-ass region.
Sheep Dog is currently trying to escape as I’m holding onto it. We go about 4 steps together in Conga Line formation before I trip on the roots of the tree it was just peeing on. I fall on top of it’s lower half while my knees are planted on the ground. Sheep Dog feels threatened, rightfully so, and subsequently wraps it’s mouth around the would-be yamulka region of my upper head. It hasn’t bitten me yet, its jaw is just wide open around my head and I’m not sure why it hasn’t clenched down already. It was like when a crocodile hunter has their head on a croc’s tongue and you’re just waiting for it to snap.
Right now I’m kneeling on piss with my UberPool co-passenger’s dog clamped to my brain. Just one of those nights. I’m trying to avoid any sudden movements here, but suddenly the Uber driver creates movement. He gets out of the car and immediately whistles at the dog. The dog, still sucking on my head, growls and starts slightly pressing its teeth down on my scalp. I shoo the Uber driver away, sneak in a quick Our Father then quickly detach my brain from his grip. It only pressed down for a 2 Mississippi count or so, but it could have kept going all night and I would’ve been able to do nothing about it. As far as sheep dog bites go it wasn’t as painful as they say, but a traumatic experience nonetheless.
Right after, the owner returns with the chocolate lab by his side and screams for the sheep dog to come. It runs straight back to it’s owner’s arms with no hesitation and gets put back in the house. I then get up off the ground, check to see if my brain is bleeding at all, and start walking back to the Uber, only to see him driving away. EVIDENTLY he thought I was telling him to get in his car and drive as I was shooing him away when he was whistling. Yeah, I got a random dog about to rip my head off my neck on your passenger’s lawn but nah, you go ahead. So to recap—this guy takes me to a random uber user’s house, watches me as I’m chasing a wild dog around, sees it biting my head, then leaves me on said random uber user’s front lawn. Guy just left me for dead. “That’s what you get for using Pool, asshole.” Is it though?
Such an obscure move by him that I don’t know whether to give him 0 stars or 5, so I figured why not turn this one over to the highly credible, anonymous users of the internet for an answer.
BONUS—Still having trouble figuring out what to rate this one:
