Critic Writes Creepily-Horny Review Of 'Dora The Explorer' And Uses The Word Throbbing
Let’s make something super, super clear: if you’re writing a review for the live-action Dora the Explorer movie, you absolutely, without question, cannot, and should not, sound horny. Unfortunately for Todd McCarthy of The Hollywood Reporter, he missed out on this rule… and by rule, I mean common sense.
Here is the first (the first!!!!) paragraph of his review (which can be found in full here):
Dora’s grown up a bit since her seemingly perennial childhood through eight seasons on TV beginning in 2000 and her briefer tween years starting in 2009, but the audience will remain largely hormone-free for her big-screen debut in Dora and the Lost City of Gold.
Abort! Abort! Abort! Stop writing!
Putting together a movie review isn’t easy, I know this, I am not very good at it yet and am continuing to learn how to properly convey my thoughts. What’s harder is writing a good review of a kids movie. It’s my belief that you can see the movies through the lens of the average movie-goer, but should also factor in who the movie is made for in the end. You need to be able to connect on some level to the intended audience of the movie.
Not connecting is a far better issue to face than that of being a creep. There isn’t a sane person on Earth who is seeking out a ‘Dora and the Lost City of Gold’ with the need to know if they’ll be “largely hormone-free” when watching it.
What keeps things alive, up to a point, is the imperturbable attitude of the titular heroine, who is invested with try-and-stop-me spirit by Moner, who’s actually 18 and looks it despite preventive measures. The same goes for Wahlberg, who’s 19. There’s a palpable gap you can’t help but notice between the essentially innocent, borderline-pubescent nature of the leading characters and the film itself, and the more confident and mature vibes emanating from the leading actors. The director seems to be trying to keep the hormones at bay, but there are some things you just can’t disguise, perhaps human nature first and foremost. Dora seems committed to projecting a pre-sexualized version of youth, while throbbing unacknowledged beneath the surface is something a bit more real, its presence rigorously ignored. To be believed, this story should have been set in 1955.
THROBBING?! I don’t even care if you used the word right there, it shouldn’t be in your word repertoire for a Dora the Explorer movie.
Do you want to know why the filmmakers seemed committed to “projecting a pre-sexualized version of youth” with this movie? Because it’s a Dora the Explorer movie! Nickelodeon produced this movie, man. McCarthy has been reviewing movies for over 40 years, he simply has to know that being a horny weirdo and citing the lack of sexualization as a negative in a movie based on a kid’s television show is preposterous.
Let’s call a spade a spade: horny reviews are not great, but horny reviews of kids movies are even worse.
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What the fuck, man.
EDIT: We do a spoof of a horny critic on Lights Camera Barstool (subscribe here) called Buddy Pounds… even in that fake fantasy world, I don’t think we could have imagined a critic getting this horny.