The Best MLB Trade Deadline Acquisitions Of All Time
Hack Wilson slugged 97 extra base hits and 3,000 beers in 1930
Alright hand up this maybe isn’t the most exhaustive list in the history of Barstool Sports so my apologies there. But reading deeper is that in my mind right now, there’s Nick Castellabos and then there’s everybody else. Number 1 and Number 2 in the order. That’s my list as of right now but it’s a fluid situation and it’s hard to say if that will always be the case.
For now it is so let’s get to the power rankings:
#1. Nick Castellanbos from the Tigers to the Cubs for a bag of balls and box of condoms.
GM: Theo Epstein.
Date: July 2019.
Reasons: the Cubs pussy footed around in the offseason and delayed the inevitable – adding a meaty bat to the middle of the order.
Quick look at his numbers through 30 games with the Cubs:
124 AB’s
42 hits
24 runs
11 homers
10 doubles
.339/.374/.685
163 OPS+
1.060 OPS
1.3 WAR
167 wRC+ (8th in NL that time)
Maybe I’m being a little aggressive on where I’m ranking him in the pantheon of MLB trades but for right now I don’t really care. The litmus test is simple. Just do this: imagine how much worse this year would be if the Cubs didn’t acquire this big son of a bitch. Imagine how many more 0-2 run performances get hung on the board. Pretty preposterous, right?
Now scout’s honor I’m being dramatic to make a point. Aroldis Chapman, Kenny Lofton, Aramis, Jimmy Edmonds, Randall Simon… all those guys are in my trade deadline shrine. Idk who more than the others as everyone there gets an equal beef. But never in my time as a baseball fan can I remember a ball player coming to Chicago midseason and having this kind of impact.
Everyone wants to resign him which is a valid question in the long-term. My answer now in real-time though is that we’re currently 3 back and sucking on a bag of shit while the cardinals continue to torch the 2nd half: 33-16 with some cupcakes looming.
I’m a Pittsburgh Pirate.
So there’s your complete list right from my brain. If you got a problem with it or consider yourself a Matt Holiday purist, reminder here that I objectively donnnntttt caaaaaarreeeee. This is my scolding hot baseball take and I’ll do what I want with it.
What else.
Jackpot.
Keep it coming ladies.
Cum everywhere. Literally everywhere and now I’m feeling sinful.
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Nice thing about having Zobrist in the lineup is you actively have a guy praying to Jesus around the club for a solid 12 hours a day. And whether or not you believe let’s all agree there’s no harm in that. Studies show potentially some small benefit and when you go 25 innings over 3 days without scoring a run, you’re allowed to think outside the box.
4 out of 5 Cubs fans are willing to forget that Ben Zobrist hit .241 with 1 extra base hit in 99 plate appearances in 2019. And out of those Cubs fans, my rough estimate is that 100% are doing the right thing. This is a rejuvenated, invigorated, refreshed man and for the millionth time it’s important for me to point out that we really don’t have a chance. Like this is it guys. We either get production from Zobrist and get on a roll or we go home in a few weeks and I don’t sleep until the Bears clinch in late November. That’s just my brain being reasonable what else we got boys.
Willson Contreras has played in about 60% of the team’s games and he’s been really fucking good. Everyone knows that. With him back that means the whole lineup starts to look different and you can be very creative with Javy. Does he slide to 7 so he can get fastballs or do we like Contreras starting slow in the 7 spot? Either way you now have:
1. Zo
2. Llabos
3. Bryant
4. Rizzo
5. Baez
6. Schwarber
7. Contreras
8. Heyward
9. Darvish/Lester/Hamels/Hendricks/Q
I’m not designing parade merch but gun to my head that team is good enough to win the division or I’m a monkey’s asshole. Or uncle. Or both.
I’m not trying to be a huge pussy or anything I’m just saying I’d much rather hold a different record. This picture hurts:
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I mean it’s one thing to read 138 but to see 138 is pretty wild. Good thing he’s got balls which reminds me
Kyle Seager is an All Star Caliber 3rd baseman out here doing body squats in the batters box. Brad Wieck you aren’t very good but you can get a regular beef plain and wet.
The big boy goes to Kyle though:
Dipped
Hot
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However he wants it he gets it because when you needed the game more than anything else yesterday he fucking delivered. HUGE. No surprise to anyone who knows anything about Kyle Hendricks but nevertheless refreshing. Heaven forbid the Cubs find themselves in a home playoff game this year – slotting Hendricks for that game would be the first decision I make. Then work backwards because there is no true #1 on this team and now I’m really starting to get ahead of myself so let’s take a step back.
The Cubs Have A Game Tonight
And if we’re note complete assholes, we should be in a pretty good spot to win it.