So What's Next for Antonio Brown?

And so as one of the great personal journeys of our time is over, now that the titillating romance between the franchise that has always prided itself on being the Bad Guys and one of the true iconoclasts of our time has burned out fast, let’s waste no time in figuring out where Mr. Big Chest goes from here.

One thing we no for sure is he’ll be playing somewhere and soon. I remember an old story about Ron Meyer, one of the biggest D-bags to ever walk a sidelines, signing a guy to play for him with the Colts even though the player had made his life miserable when he coached in New England. When he was asked why he’d bring that splitting migraine back into his life, Meyer said, “Because in this business, we’re all whores to talent.”

It’s an obvious statement that Antonio Brown is talented. Talented enough that someone franchise will turn a trick for him. Talented enough that he can skip practices on his old team, get signed for $30 million, freeze his feet in a French cryo chamber, show up in a hot air balloon, take mental health days because he doesn’t like the equipment, publicly bitch about a minor fine, call his GM a cracker while trying to physically attack him and surreptitiously record a phone call from his head coach and post it on the internet, which in some states is a crime, and still find work.

Aside from Oakland and Pittsburgh, there is someone among the 30 remaining teams harboring a fantasy where he comes to them, starts catching touchdown passes from their QB and finally grows up. He’s that good looking rebel who plays by his own rules that every girl wants to date because she can fix him. Like Jerry Maguire, they’ll love him for the man he wants to be. And love him for the man he almost is.

I’m on record as saying not the Patriots. And I’ll not budge off that spot. Mike Mayock and Belichick are such boys that Mayock once gushed about how Ryan Mallett “really popped” in practice, just to increase his trade value. Belichick’s not going to sign a player that tried to beat the bag out of a buddy who willingly embarrassed himself on TV just to help him out. Not in a million eons would that happen.

The ironic thing is that my first guess as to where he’ll end up would be Oakland. Again, they have a history of taking on the guys no one else can handle. So with them obviously off the list, I’m going to go with Cincinnati. Besides the Raiders, the Bengals have a long and inglorious history of taking in strays like Antonio Brown. They’re the NFL’s  Home for Incorrigible Youth. Show me a guy with “character concerns” and I’ll show you the perfect Bengal. Tell me about a college prospect whose scouting report mentions “red flags” and I can almost guarantee he’ll end up getting drafted by Cincy. Does anyone else remember pre-draft Andre Smith beefing with a scout, refusing to run, storming out of the Combine and then delivering this golden moment?

Cincinnati took him 6th overall.

This isn’t based on anything I’ve heard or rumors going around or anything. It just a gut feeling I have. The Bengals are the Last Chance U of pro football and severely damaged goods like Brown would be the perfect fit. I bet they’re scrambling right now to find an ugly helmet to his liking as we speak. Antonio Brown to the Bengals. You heard it hear first.

Failing that, there’s always a career in music.