What CFB Mascot Is the Horniest - Big 10 Edition
With College Football season in full swing, I decided to get the gang back together to rank their weird mascots and how horny they are in the same vein as our previous blogs which you can find here, and here. We’re going to go conference by conference instead of all at once since that would be insane, unlike ranking mascot horniness levels which is normal. If the mascots or wrong or I’m missing any, blame Wikipedia where I got the list from.
Purdue – Boilermaker Special and Purdue Pete
Kenjac- While the train may be horny for a kaboose, Pete is an entirely asexual name.
Tyler- Dangerously horny. I don’t even want to think about trains and my sweet wife, Ernestine, in the same sentence.
Coley – Dangerously Horny – the amount of time spent making boil has his mind on all sorts of hornball activities
KB – Purdue Pete: Dangerously Horny – Zoinked out of his mind, pupils on expert mode, clenching his jaw to annunciate his facial features…this man would fuck a pressure vessel.
The literal train: Dangerously Horny – He(it?) grooms its victims by tricking them into thinking it’s asexual, and then CHOO CHOO! She’s dead in her tracks.
Ohio State – Brutus Buckeye
Kenjac – Dangerously horny. His Erkel “Did I do that” expression is a poor cover for what is likely numerous violations covered up throughout his career.
Tyler – Sorta horny. The name “Brutus” screams horny but the horizontal stripes tell me he’s trying to look bigger than he is. Moderate horny.
Coley – Dangerously Horny. His default facial setting is him to reacting to his mom walking into his bedroom watching incest porn.
KB – Dangerously and Feloniously horny. This weirdo is blacklisted from Bullwinkle’s for a reason. There’s Urban legends going around that Brutus has paid up to 1000 Bucks for some ass. I also heard that prior to 2010, he was committing NCAA violations just to get a nut off.
University of Wisconsin – Bucky Badger
Kenjac – Never forget, the Honey Badger doesn’t give a SHIT! He’ll sneak into the retirement home in his candy striper outfit and buss down your grandma,
Tyler – Dangerously horny. I don’t trust this weasel faced motherfucker for one second.
Coley – Dangerously Horny. Ol’ Gimme a hug ass face.
KB – Sorta Horny. The type that just genuinely loves eating ass but won’t badger you for anything else.
The University of Minnesota – Goldy Gopher
Kenjac – Not horny. Minnesotans are too polite and his face is too sincere. He will bore his partner to sleep bragging about the light rail system Jesse Ventura installed before he can make sweet, sweek love to them.
Tyler – Not horny. Since Prince passed, I haven’t been concerned about a single thing from Minnesota fucking my old lady.
Coley – Sorta Horny. He’d like to burrow in some holes but if you’ve got a headache he understands and will take a “long shower” instead.
KB – Not Horny. Theodore the Chipmunk’s virgin cousin who does underwhelming magic tricks at family gatherings and everyone pretends to enjoy them.
Nebraska – Herbie Husker and Lil’ Red
Kenjac – I don’t think Herbie Husker is horny. He looks like he gets so many offers for sex that he has become jaded to the idea of intercourse. lil red, however, looks like every married father of 3 BEGGING instagram models to send them used underwear.
Tyler - Not horny. Look how far away the cheerleader is keeping from Ol’ Herbie. Not a factor whatsoever.
Coley – Dangerously Horny. He’s wearing a cowboy hat. C’mon.
KB – Herby Husker: Not Horny. He’s softer than creamed corn even though that’s the first time he’s been touched in the pelvic vicinity in months.
The chubby little rascal is obnoxiously horny though.
Iowa – Herky the Hawk
Kenjac – Trent is my barometer for who is dangerously horny and who is not, and he seems like a regular guy. I’m going to say this mascot is sorta horny mostly because that face screams SEX PEST.
Tyler- Dangerously horny. Now I’m concerned. Herky is a strong name, he’s got strong colors and he seems like he’d fly by my girl when I go to the bathroom. High alert.
Coley – Not Horny. I asked Trent because Trent was from Iowa. He said he wasn’t horny. Then he agreed the mascot is also not horny.
KB – Dangerously Horny. The amount of testosterone Herky has could power all the wind turbines within a 50 mile radius. He also looks more like a human than most of the dudes at that school, so you know he’s done more damage in Iowa City than Wisconsin’s football team.
Penn State – Nittany Lion
Kenjac – NL knew….we all know he knew….
Tyler – Dangerously, illegally, back turned for decades level horny.
Coley – Maniacally Horny. He also knew.
KB – Dangerously horny. An ice cold shiver just ran down my spine like an Olympic sprinter. The things he’s seen, the things he’s seen…
Michigan State – Sparty
Kenjac – What a fucking beast of a man. You and your girl get in an argument and she leaves in tears. She texts him “Hey big head”. Literally. She looks up and he’s right there with his pud in his hand.
Tyler - Sorta horny. He’s got the spartans 300 look going and he’s in tremendous shape, but that clean shaven face makes me feel a little better. If he shows up with the Leonidas beard, my girl is as good as gone.
Coley – Dangerously Horny. Have you seen 300???
KB – Dangerously Horny. This guy has mountain ranges for kneecaps so I can’t imagine the size of his balls. His cumshots probably feel like getting blasted by a paintball gun.
Northwestern – Willie the Wildcat
Kenjac – Not horny. Much like northwestern’s journalism school, I think his horniess has lapsed over time.
Tyler- Dangerously horny. No pants at a football game is a big horny guy move. I know, I invented that move.
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Coley – Sorta Horny. Northwestern is too dreary a campus for anyone to be horned up to the max.
KB – Not Horny. “Let me write your term paper for nothing in return” head ass. “No really, Coach Fitz said I didn’t have to go to practice today, so I have nothing else to do.”