Barstool’s Guide to Champions League Group Stage – Preview + Predictions
Sam’s Soccer Safe Space For Stoolies
Hello haters,
The CHAMPIONS LEAGUE group stage is upon us. What else is there to say? Hint: not a damn thing. A veritable cornucopia of incredible games is on deck today and tomorrow, and plenty more over the coming weeks and months. First, though, let’s get your mind right:
That music means boners for you, boners for me, boners for everybody. Now on to the previews and pontificating and prognostications…
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CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
The eight groups are set.
Rapid reaction for each of the eight:
• Group A: Money makes the world go around and nobody throws more of it around than PSG and Real Madrid. I’m not saying UEFA did them solid using a frozen envelope or two… but I’m not not saying it either. The innate power of the Turks (like a bargain brand version of Portuguese in Champions League) is really the only even hypothetical hurdle.
• Group B: Olympiacos is solid and those damn Serbs are pesky af (ask KFC) but all things considered not a bad draw for Bayern and Tottenham.
• Group C: Who tf did City pay off to get this group, I mean MY GOD. It’s a good thing too since they have precisely 0.5 healthy CBs available at the moment. Atalanta should finagle second place but Shakhtar and their bevvy of South American talent could give them some trouble.
• Group D: Interesting group but unless you are much higher on Bayer than I am it is hard to imagine anyone other than Juventus and Atletico walking through this one.
• Group E: Liverpool and Napoli are set to renew their rivalry… unfortunately for the Italians (and the rest of the group), this edition of the Reds is probably better even than last year’s teams that – in case you hadn’t heard – won the whole damn thing. Then again, people do forget though that Liverpool came DAMN CLOSE to not even making it out of the group stage.
Napoli could be in trouble this time around if they don’t bring their A-game because Salzburg – and Jesse Marsch – are not joke. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the (other) Aussies sneak out somehow.
• Group F: Uefalona… notttttttttttttt so much this time around. Barça were given a rough draw (for once?) with both Dortmund and Inter looking like legitimate candidates to get out of the group. Group of death? Group of death.
• Group G: Weak group in large part because Zenit being in “Pot A” but that means pretty much everybody will (rightly) think they have a shot at advancing. In fact, Leipzig – the fourth (ostensibly weakest) club drawn – may be the strongest of the bunch.
• Group H: TASTES LIKE APPLE PIE AND BASEBALL AND HIGH POWERED ASSAULT RIFLES
All in all though this is another relatively even group, again thanks to the relative weakness of the Pot A team (Chelsea). The Bues and Ajax both have a lot of talent but are both very young, which likely means a fair amount of inconsistency that could give someone like Lille a chance to sneak through. The same might go for Valencia if they weren’t in the middle of a mental breakdown.
Here are the odds all 32 teams according to the quant nerds over at FiveThirtyEight:
And finally the schedule for this week’s first matchday to be played on Tuesday and Wednesday:
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TUESDAY’S PICKS
Napoli [+205]
Liverpool [+125]
Draw [+255]
I would say it is time to see if Liverpool are for real but as returning UCL champs that seems like a dumb question. That said, this will be their first real “pressure cooker” game of the season so perhaps the Italians – hungry for revenge – could get the jump on a team that has gotten fat and lazy feasting on defenses like that of Newcastle, Burnley and Arsenal.
Call me crazy (or a sucker for a good storyline) but I am kinda buying the “extra motivation” element that Napoli are bringing to the table. Liverpool could beat anyone in the world 3-0 in any given game at this point… but they have to come up with a “meh” performance at some point, right? Right??? Maybe not, but I’m still going with a 1-1 draw.
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Dortmund [+170]
Barcelona [+150]
Draw [+255]
This should be all sorts of fun. Messi was reportedly back and ready to go then Valverde chimed in and said “welllll maybe not we’ll see”… so who knows on that. Either way this game has goals written all over it. Both teams are RIDICULOUSLY stacked – and the incredible part is that statement remains true even if the world’s best player*** ends up not being able to play today. In other words SAM’S SLAM-IT LOCK OF THE (MID)WEEK is the OVER… but score-wise I’ll say a 7,000% bone-tastic 3-3 draw.
***not who I was referring to… not yet anyway
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Some other picks in the hopes that I eventually get one right:
• CHELSEA 2-0 Valencia – The Baby Blues are all over the place but it’s hard not to go with their undeniable talent against a Valencia side that just sent their trophy-winning manager packing out of the blue and got SMOKED at the weekend.
• Benfica 1-2 RB LEIPZIG– Perhaps I am a little too high on Leipzig at the moment… but no better way to find out then walking into the lion’s den and finding out (Rule #1 of Champions League: when in doubt bet on the Portuguese. Whoops).
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Reminder: another biggggggggg slate tomorrow including City and Tottenham and Arsenal.
ps: wyd Eden??
Holler,
Samuel Army