Who Has The Crispiest Head Of Lettuce In All Of Star Wars?
As I’m sure you’re all well aware of by now, we got a new trailer for The Rise of Skywalker during last night’s “game”. Robbie put together an incredible shot-by-shot breakdown of the trailer that you can and should read right here. But the whole time I was watching that trailer last night, all I could think about is how silky Kylo’s flow is. For a franchise that has had plenty of absolutely hideous looking villains in its past (Palpatine, Darth Vader, etc), Kylo Ren is a total beauty. So then I got to thinking about who had the crispiest salad in all of the galaxies.
Now the one thing I want to make clear here is that I’m a fan of Star Wars in the sense that I’ve seen each movie at least a handful of times. But not even close to a super fan who has watched each movie at least a hundred times and knows every single planet and has read all of the books and has watched The Clone Wars and everything else. So if there’s someone from the movies who has an all-time head of hair but is not physically present in any of the main movies, just don’t yell at me for missing them. Even still, I think this top 5 is pretty locked in.
5. Qui-Gon Jinn
I feel like the trap that a lot of people often fall for (shoutout Admiral Ackbar) is that they confuse long hair for nice hair. Just because someone out there has the longest hair doesn’t necessarily mean that they have the silkiest flow. But the thing about Qui-Gon is that he does a pretty good job at still maintaining the flow’s integrity even though this could technically be categorized as a case of “overflow”. The high ponytail is a great touch, though I do think he could benefit from going with more of a half bun. Regardless, you have to pay your respects to the length and the fact that he didn’t allow that flow to completely get away from him. If his hair wasn’t so straight and had just a little more life to it, I think he could pull off the Jesus to perfection.
4. Han Solo
Pretty much the polar opposite of Qui-Gon here. Han didn’t have the length that you’d typically look for when talking about flow, but my god did this hair have a ton of life to it. Has plenty of bounce, feathered, nice and wavy, holds up well with the wind, decent amount of flip action going on. That is just some spicy arugula right there. And what’s even scarier is the potential that this flow has. If he decided to grow his hair out for just a few more months, it would be beyond elite. You can tell that it has the structure for it, but it’s still in the developmental stage. But yeah, another couple of inches and this gets right up there at the top.
3. Kylo Ren
Kylo Ren might be a flawed villain but the one thing that certainly isn’t flawed is that head of romaine he’s working with. This is the difference between a beauty like Kylo Ren and someone like Qui-Gon; he has the length, sure, but it’s so much more than that. That hair has plenty of action going on. It’s got the bounce that you’re looking for, it’s got the wave, and it actually looks better when it’s a little wet. Maybe not soaking wet because he’d look like a dog who just got a bath. But a little moisture on the flow? It goes a long way. Also, right above the shoulder is really that perfect length that you’re looking to achieve. Not too much, not too little, perfectly in the middle. Which is good enough for #3 on this list.
2. Chewbacca
Okay so maybe this one is cheating a little bit but you’re lying to yourself if you say that he doesn’t have some primetime flow going on here. And it’s more than just the fact that his entire body is covered in hair. He’s got a nice amount of ombre going on here, and the color and style of this hair just screams that Chewy isn’t an all-time bro. The thing that really bothers me about Star Wars is that you know that Chewbacca is flying around in the Millennium Falcon throwing in some massive lips and jamming out to some Grateful Dead, but the movies never show that. Just let Chewbacca have his bro culture and let us enjoy it.
1. Anakin Skywalker
Holy shit, man. Sometimes I forget what an absolute man rocket Anakin Skywalker was. Maybe it’s because of the whole “killing a bunch of little kids” thing but wow, what a weapon this dude was. Kind of sucks how fucking hideous he got later but this hair performance in Revenge of the Sith? It doesn’t get any better than this. You could grab a surfboard and go for the ride of your life down that flow. And with that type of hair it’s almost a shame that he was from Tatooine because if he were from Hoth, he’d likely be the greatest hockey player we’ve ever seen. Volume, bounce, color, movement, this head of hair has everything you could ever ask for. And that, my friends, is why Anakin Skywalker had the crispiest head of lettuce in all of Star Wars and if it weren’t for that ugly ass bitch Palpatine seducing him to the dark side, he’d probably still have it today.
