Aaron Hernandez Letter to the Patriots, the First Draft
Dear Mr. Caserio,
I am writing in regards to some of the feedback I am receiving from my agents, Florida coaches, and other personnel that I have yet to shoot in the head. These sources have indicated that NFL teams and the cops have questions about my alleged use of marijuana and frequent acts of insane violence. I personally answered these questions during the pre-draft process, but understand that NFL teams want to conduct thorough due diligence before making the significant financial investment inherent in a high draft pick of a potential sociopath. I have no issue with these questions being asked, I mean, it’s not like you guys are talking to people in a club I don’t want you to be talking to so I have to kill you or anything, but thought that it made the most sense to have my agents’ secretary write a letter communicate with you directly regarding this issue so you would not have to rely upon second-hand information and fucking snitches.
Any information I volunteer to you about my psychotic past and present will be looked at with great skepticism especially since I’m a guy that ruptured a bouncer’s eardrum and all as I am trying to get drafted as high as possible by an NFL team and get out of Florida before I get caught. As such, I thought that the best way to answer your questions and your concerns (as long as we’re not talking about the time Reggie Nelson and I shot those two guys at a red light) was to make a very simple proposition. If you draft me as a member of the New England Patriots, I won’t put a bullet in your eye I will willfully submit to a bi-weekly drug test throughout my rookie season (8 drug tests during the 2010 regular season). After that, it’s off to California for some of that good legal medicinal shit and some wife beating. In addition, I will tie any guaranteed portion of my 2010 compensation to these drug tests and reimburse the team a pro-rata amount (whatever that is) for any failed drug test. My agents have explained by talking to me like I’m 4 years old that a direct forfeiture provision in my contract along these lines would violate the CBA rules. However, I have instructed them to be creative in finding a contract structure that would work on in the worst case scenario, a murder charge for example, I would donate the pro-rata portion of any guaranteed money to the team’s choice of charities. My point is simple — if I fail a drug test, I do not deserve that portion of the money. But if I shoot a guy in the head and leave his body for the crows in a vacant lot near my house, we’ll figure something out.
I realize that this offer is somewhat unorthodox, but it is also the only way I could think of to let you know how serious I am about reaching my potential in the NFL. Well that or smashing my cell phone. My coaches (right before they ran the Gators program into the ground and left in disgrace) have told you that nobody on our Florida team worked harder than me in terms of workouts, practices or games or hunting down anyone who crossed me and killing them like animals. You have your own evaluation as to the type of impact I can have on your offense and on your franchise’s reptuation. The only X-factor, according to the reports I have heard, is concerns about my use of recreational drugs and a long history of bloodthirsty criminal acts. To address that concern, I am literally putting my money where my mouth is and taking the financial risk away from the team and putting it directly on my back where it belongs. And I’m saving the rest to buy a shit ton of unlicensed firearms and a cache of ammo.
In closing, I ask you to trust me when I say you have absolutely nothing to worry about when it comes to me and the use of recreational drugs. The murdery stuff is something else altogether. I have set very high goals for myself in the NFL and am focused 100% on achieving those goals. And on bringing my lowlife dirtbag Bristol bros around your stadium. So, test me all you want during my rookie year … all of the results will be negative while I am having an overwhelmingly positive impact on the field. Off the field, not so much.
Good luck with your preparations for the NFL Draft and feel free to contact me or my agency (Athletes First/David Dunn) with any questions. Hope you swallowed this bullshit and still trust Urban Meyer as much as the dumbass Gainesville cops do.
Sincerely,
Aaron Hernandez
University of Florida
@JerryThornton1