I Would Like To Offer This Random Canadian Guy A Lifetime Contract
I'm introducing Fan Free Agency (maybe) for the first time ever and while the rules are very fluid and I'm not really sure what I'm talking about - I basically just want to get this guy on a charter bus to Chicago pronto. Just have him on the steps outside of Soldier Field in his new pants tailgating around the clock until the Cowboys game on December 5th. Give him a cooler full of raw Vienna all beef kosher dogs, a decent charcoal grill and of course all the great tasting less filling he can muster.
From here we inspire hope. And by We, I obviously mean me and this guy because we're a packaged deal at this point. 2-for-1 special you get Carl and New Pants Guy slinging dogs and cold ones. Pumping up the crowd. Prepping the stadium and who knows maybe we get weird on Thanksgiving morning and head up to Detroit for a little Susanna and some time at the mobile spa. Now we're fucking talking folks.
Hey carl what's with your professional sense of urgency?
I have work to do.
And newsflash guys - 2% doesn't get you laid. It gets you optimal fat distribution in your milk.
If we get New Pants Guy down here I like a 5x bump to 10%. Then we beat the Lions on Thanksgiving. Then we take a full week to get ready for the Cowboys in primetime. The Bears are now 7-6 and LOOK AT THAT THE VIKINGS GOT A TOUGH START TO DECEMBER.
Vikings:
It's Monday Dec 9th. The Bears are 7-6 and the Vikings are 8-5.
Bears:
From there it comes down to the last 3 games of the year. Can Philip Rivers make some magic with the Bears in Lambeau? Can Matt Nagy outwit his old head coach? Can the Bears beat the Vikings with a shot to go to the playoffs?
All of these are excellent questions and unfortunately none of them will be answered unless New Pants Guy gets his fucking ass down here in the next 48 hours. Not like he's got a Thanksgiving to celebrate this week anyways. Silly Canucks.