Bruce Arians Confirms Jameis Winston Is Blind, Should Encourage Him To Wear Ginormous Rec-Specs For Comedic Effect
This was the biggest “uhhh ya think” perhaps in the history of the world with the possible exception of how the guy who gained worldwide notoriety for losing 70% of his body weight by deciding to walk instead of drive his car to a fast food restaurant was not prepared to handle sudden fame.
As we all suspected, it turns out Jameis cant see which explains the fact that he only had one tackle this year depsite throwing 30 interceptions and fumbling constantly like the ball was covered in delicious melted butter or perhaps a refreshing cocktail sauce. His inabilty to track linebackers has made him a liability on defense after he throws a interception to them and he must at least make a attempt to correct that if he wants to secure his 30 mil/year contract.
We took a look and broke down the defensive leaders for the Bucs offense by the way and it looks like this:
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-Chris Godwin, 6 tackles
-OJ Howard, 5 tackles
-Mike Evans, 4 tackles
So therefore Chris Godwin is awarded the first annual offensive defensive player of the year for Tampa Bay congrats Chris but as Godwins law reminds us- you know who else was known for apprehending opponetsafter following orders from Arians?
So what to do about Jameis Squinstons vision problem? Well he could get lasik, or at minimum go see Dr. Ray Baker and get the working mans laser eye surgery and simply stare at the sun for 3 hours a day. But if Bruce dosent outfit Jameis with Eric Dickerson/Kurt Rambis/Horace Grant style perscription goggles we will always be left to wonder about the physical comedy we all are missing out on.
Putting moon-sized rec-specs on Jameis Winston is the only way to improve on his already legendary slapstick image. Right now hes Charlie Chaplin without the mustache, Zach Galifiniakis without the beard, Marylin Manson with all his ribs. You slap a pair of snorkeling goggles on Jameis & you watch ratings sore through the roof like never before. Hed be the NFLs version of Bubbles from trailer park boys. I want Jameis wearing the biggest thickest old school eyewear looking like he just got out of shop class in stranger things and his retinas are getting barbecued like a ant that fell asleep on the bottom side of one of Chad Kellys teaspoons at the wrong time. If theres one thing a guru like Bruce Arians should know its the importance of protecting his prized pupils.