Craigslist Ad Of The Day - Finance Bro Needs Someone To Break In His Sandals For Him

Craigslist – Looking to hire a brah to break in my new Rainbow flops. I don’t have time to do it and I need them broken in like yesterday cause my feet are totally soft from rockin’ my Tod’s driving mocs all winter. This isn’t just your normal everyday flip flop break-in job, I need you to imitate my whole deal so they’re like proper.

First off my gate, you’ve gotta walk like me to get these puppies to fit me right, think McConaughey meets the guy you wish you were who walks out of Citi Bank HQ on a casual Friday, picture a Patagonia fleece vest with a Brooks Bros. non-iron.

Second, you need to go places where I’ll wear ‘em to get them used to the terrain. Tribeca Tap House, the Brandy Library, Tiny’s, the Frying Pan, and the Boat Basin. Don’t FUCKING bring these things to Brooklyn, I know you think the roof of Berry Park in Williams-balls is the boner, but it’s just for poor people who can’t afford 230 Fifth.

Outfit provided and pictured below, includes boot koozie in case you need something to help you jam harder to Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show. If you don’t know what that is then stay in Hoboken and keep watching MMA.

Send references of other footwear you’ve broken in, if you mention a Ralph Lauren shoe of any kind, especially Polo Sport I’ll know you went to SUNY or CUNY and you won’t be considered.
My old ‘bows are pictured here, they need to look like this by Belmont. Payment negotiable, but you need to be able to accept a credit card cause I want Starwood points for my Amex. Out.

Bravo! Encore! I need more. Whoever wrote this needs to get in contact with me ASAP. I’ll give them a job at Barstool New York on the spot. So many gems in this I don’t even know where to start. “Patagonia fleece vest with a Brooks Bros. non-iron.” “Don’t FUCKING bring these things to Brooklyn” “ if you mention a Ralph Lauren shoe of any kind, especially Polo Sport I’ll know you went to SUNY or CUNY and you won’t be considered.”

But the number 1 line, by a mile, is the Wagon Wheel line. “includes boot koozie in case you need something to help you jam harder to Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show. If you don’t know what that is then stay in Hoboken and keep watching MMA.” Stay in Hoboken and keep watching MMA is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long, long time.

And the best part of all is I’m still 50/50 on whether this is a joke or not.