RIP, Don Zimmer
I suppose if you’re part of the ever younger-skewing Barstool demo who thinks life began when Adam Vinatieri’s kick beat the Rams in 2002, then you probably just remember Don Zimmer as the old fart Yankees bench coach who Pedro Martinez grabbed by the jowls and suplexed to the Fenway infield back in ’03. And if that’s you, I honestly feel bad for you little millenial punks. Because by missing out on the Zimmer Era in Boston, you missed out on one of the most divisive, colorful, debated, controversial and ceaselessly fascinating characters in Red Sox history.
Seriously I cannot exaggerate how much talk show and newspaper column fodder Zimmer provided in the late 70s-early 80s. Not to mention among friends and family. It’s been funny listening to guys trying to work themselves up into a lather over how John Farrell uses his bullpen or Terry Francona gave guys too many days off or whatever. Because everything Zim did was argued about in Boston more than Lincoln was along the Mason-Dixon Line. And what made it even better was he was the perfect combination of Lightning Rod/ Super Sensitive Personality. So every time he got ripped in the papers or on the airwaves, he fought back. So created this endless cycle of controversy that fed on itself like a snake eating its tail. He got so worked up over hearing his name trashed on talk radio that The Sports Huddle (which was actually funny back in the day) only let callers refer to him by a code name: Chang Kai Shek, to spare his feelings. And it was hilarious.
And to be fair, he brought a lot of that shit on himself. Zim was a bottomless cup o’ controversy. Just a few examples:
*He was the captain of the ship on the biggest collapse in baseball history, the ’78 Sox who blew a 14.5 game lead over the Yankees. And even then it took (without looking it up because I’m lazy) like a 7 game winning streak at the end to force the Bucky Dent playoff game. The 2011 Chicken & Beer Sox choke job looks like a picnic by comparison.
*You know the Carlton Fisk home run from Game 6 in ’75? (That’d be the night Robin Williams had to go see about a girl, to you under-40 crowd.) Well the reason that HR was necessary was with the bases loaded and no one out in the bottom of the 9th, 3rd base coach Zim sent Denny Doyle home on a shallow fly to left, where he was gunned out by 25 feet. Asked why he sent him, Zimmer said “I wasn’t yelling ‘Go Go Go.’ I was yelling ‘No No No.'” Apparently yelling something that didn’t rhyme with the one thing he didn’t want the runner to do, never having occurred to him.
*He went to war with Bill Lee. The classic Conservative, Old School Baseball Lifer just couldn’t coexist with the ultimate Irreverent, Baby Boomer, Counter-Culture Iconoclast. And their ongoing beef was hysterical to everyone but Zimmer. Lee called him “Gerbil.” Ripped him constantly to anyone who’d listen (read: everybody). He once said Zimmer was “fat, bald, old and has no idea how to handle a pitching staff.” To his credit, the Gerbil shot back with “Well, he’s partially right. I’m fat, bald and old…” Good retort. But for the most part, in a verbal battle with Spaceman, he was bringing a butter knife to a tank battle.
*There was no move too insane for him to try. Once when he was short on starting pitching, he came up with a plan to pitch 3 relievers for 3 innings each. He called a Hit & Run with the bases loaded, and when the batter (Jack Brohammer if I recall correctly) kept fouling off pitches, he just kept calling it. He once ran out of bench players so he put Jerry Remy in right. And if memory serves, the very first batter hit a lazy fly that Remy got a bead on, circled, camped under, and then blew his knee out as it hit the ground. I can still picture Remdawg being carried by Jim Rice to the dugout like a 2 year old being put to bed, his career over, condemned to a future of broadcasting, $12.99 chicken wings and exorbitant legal fees.
*He once came to the mound to take out a young, underachieving Bruce Hurst, who muttered something under his breath. And Zimmer completely lost his shit. Screaming at the kid and spewing so much tobacco juice in his face, Hurst probably violated Mormon Law.
…And a million other controversies that are long since forgotten, but fueled probably 90% of the conversations my friends had. Zimmer was that colorful a character. And we’ve seen few if any of his like since. And as a weird aside, he was such a big part of my childhood that to this day, I can’t see a baby – the fat cheeks, round, bald head, big belly and stubby little arms – without thinking how much it looks like Zimmer. He was many, many things, but never for one second was he boring. A true original. And he walks off into the cornfield, it’s fair to say he’ll be missed. RIP, Gerbil. @JerryThornton1
And there’s no way I’m sending him off without this: