Modern Seinfeld: The Quarantine Episode
Tommy Smokes put together an outstanding version of this about Curb Your Enthusiasm last week.
Got the idea from him, but the more I thought about what a quarantine / corona episode of Seinfeld would look like, the more I couldn't resist writing this. Funny enough, I took the same kind of writing for TV class the he did my junior year of college as well so I also have at least been somewhat educated on how these things play out.
Similarly to Curb, this pandemic is so Seinfeld it makes me sick.
The comedy behind whatever scheme Kramer would be cooking up, the unluckiness of George, and Jerry just being kind of numb to it all makes what's going on right now perfect for this show so here's what I think it would look like:
Basic Plot: George’s new girlfriend promises him a “sexy” surprise on their 5th date, but they get quarantined apart after their 4th. She tells him a zoom date counts, but his parents are staying with him during quarantine out of fear from the virus and he can’t get any alone time. Jerry is staying in with a lady he’s been seeing but trouble starts when she keeps referring to coronavirus as “COVID-19”. Meanwhile Kramer has stocked up on all hand sanitizers and is selling them out of his apartment. “I call it ‘Kramer Klean’” he tells Jerry from across the hall.
INT: JERRY'S APT
Someone buzzes up to Jerry's apartment. It's GEORGE. JERRY lets him in then turns on the TV. GEORGE enters.
GEORGE: Jerry I've done it. I've finally done it!
JERRY: Checked yourself into the nut house? Good for you, I didn't want to have to do it.
GEORGE: (Rolls his eyes) No. I've found the perfect girl. I mean absolutely perfect. No awkward pauses, she thinks I'm funny, she even laughs at those little - what are they called? Memays I send her.
JERRY stops pouring a bowl of cereal with a confused look
JERRY: I believe they're pronounced "Meems".
GEORGE: (waves his hand with a smile) Yeah whatever.
JERRY: A woman laughing at your memes. You've come a long way, Georgy boy.
GEORGE: And the best part? She promised me a "sexy surprise" on our next date.
JERRY: Well what about the quarantine?
GEORGE: What do you mean?
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JERRY: The citywide mandated quarantine starting tonight because of the coronavirus.
GEORGE: You're kidding.
JERRY: I'm not. (JERRY pulls his phone out of his pocket and starts to read the announcement) "Beginning tonight until further notice New York City will be on a mandated citywide quarantine with a no entry or exit policy for the foreseeable future."
GEORGE: No, no, no! Foreseeable future?! How long is that for?
JERRY: The seeable future.
GEORGE: But she lives in Jersey, Jerry! Jersey! What about the sexy surprise!
JERRY: I'm afraid it'll have to wait.
GEORGE: (sighs defeated) I better go call her. What are your plans for this quarantine then?
JERRY: I think Jessica is going to come stay.
GEORGE: Wow. Big move.
JERRY: Yeah stuck with the same woman in the same place with no end in sight. I figured if I was ever going to try this marriage thing what better time to do it than a forced lockdown.
GEORGE: You get stuck with your woman. I get quarantined away from mine. Go figure.
JERRY: Sounds like a "Memay".
TRANSITION: EXT shot of JERRY'S apartment to INT hallway
INT. JERRY's apartment hallway
JERRY is coming back from one last grocery run with JESSICA before quarantine starts when KRAMER opens up his apartment door.
KRAMER: Hey! Jerry.
JERRY: Hey Kramer, you remember Jessica?
JESSICA: (Reaches her hand out to shake Kramer's) Hi again I'm Jessica.
KRAMER sees her reach her hand out and jumps back into his door to avoid the handshake. JERRY shakes his head with a smile while JESSICA slowly puts her hand down slightly confused.
KRAMER: Can't be too careful. You hear about this quarantine?
JERRY: Yeah that's why we just went to the store.
KRAMER: Did you get any hand sanitizer?
JERRY: No they didn't have any left.
KRAMER claps his hands with excitement
JERRY: Why? What's going on?
KRAMER kicks his leg back to open his door revealing stacks of bottles of hand sanitizer all over his apartment.
KRAMER: I bought them out, Jerry.
JERRY: What do you mean you bought them out?
KRAMER: Me and Newman saw this coming. Virus going around, people getting real geeked out, so we circled around to all the local markets and cleaned out their hand sanitizer aisles.
JERRY: But…why?
KRAMER: Supply and demand, Jerry, supply and demand. People are going to be dying for some sanitizer and when they do (he points to himself) they'll come to Kramer.
JERRY: Oh my God.
KRAMER: I call it "Kramer Klean".
JERRY: Well when your "clients" come up here just make sure they stay at least 6 feet away from my apartment, OK?
KRAMER: You got it buddy.
CUT TO
INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT George is sitting on his couch with two surprise guests - his parents. Mr. And Mrs. Costanza have come to stay with him during quarantine. George calls Jerry.
JERRY: Hello
GEORGE: Well, it's gone from bad to worse.
JERRY: (pauses) Who is this?
GEORGE: Not only can I not go see Laura, but my folks have come to stay with me.
MRS. COSTANZA: Oh I'm so sorry your mother and father want to come be safe with their only son. All we've done for you and this is how you repay us.
MR. COSTANZA: We didn't want to stay with you, George. You're just the closest to our favorite Chinese restaurant.
MRS. COSTANZA: I tried to tell him we have one just like it by our house but no, he wouldn't listen.
MR. COSTANZA: IT'S NOT THE SAME WOMAN.
JERRY can overhear the yelling from over the phone.
GEORGE: You see what I mean?
JERRY: That's too bad George. So what are you going to do about Laura? Still no sexy date?
GEORGE: She said a Zoom call would count as a date but…
GEORGE gets up from the couch and walks down the hall
JERRY: You don't know how to use Zoom do you?
GEORGE: No…And on top of that my mother is constantly breathing down my neck. "Georgy do you feel alright? Wash your hands Georgy. Is that a girl you're talking to?"
JERRY: I don't envy you my friend.
GEORGE: Only my mother could make me suffer more than this virus.
JERRY: Well if it makes you feel any better Jessica won't stop calling Coronavirus "COVID-19".
GEORGE: What? Who does she think she is? Andrew Cuomo?
CUT TO
INT. JERRY's APARTMENT JERRY AND JESSICA ARE SITTING DOWN ON THE COUCH WATCHING A MOVIE.
JESSICA: It's so nice that we have each other during all this.
JERRY: It is, isn't it?
JESSICA: No one else I'd rather be staying same from COVID-19 with.
JERRY: Yeah…Why don't you just call it "Coronavirus"?
JESSICA: Well that's not the proper term.
JERRY: Says who?
JESSICA: I don't know. All the doctors call it COVID-19.
JERRY: Right, but you aren't a doctor.
JESSICA: Gee, thanks for reminding me ya goof. I just like it. It sounds more official.
JERRY: I mean I enjoy movies as much as Martin Scorcese but you don't hear me calling them "films".
JESSICA: Oh you should. It sounds so prestigious. I gotta use the bathroom. (JESSICA gets up to head to the bathroom) Don't worry, I'll wash my hands.
JERRY: At least 30 seconds!
JESSICA closes the bathroom door. JERRY turns around on the couch.
JERRY: Prestigious? How boring.
Phone rings. JERRY goes walks over to answer it.
JERRY: Hello?
ELAINE: How's quarantine life?
JERRY: Ah. Not bad…with Jessica.
ELAINE: Really? Jessica? Wow, Jerry. Didn't expect this from you. How's it going?
JERRY: Fine…
ELAINE: Just fine?
JERRY: She…she keeps calling Coronavirus "COVID-19".
ELAINE: What? Who does she think she is, Anthony Fauci?
JERRY: Exactly! She's a weekend bartender and a dog walker not the Surgeon General.
ELAINE: Ugh sounds awful.
JERRY: It's not there yet but I'm about six feet away from losing it. How's it going for you?
ELAINE: Not much better. Puddy is losing his mind without sports so he brought out his stupid old nintendo and has been playing it non-stop.
JERRY: Ah. He's gotta support some team.
ELAINE: I guess. Hey do you wanna say hi to Jerry?
PUDDY playing his video game on the couch next to ELAINE and doesn't respond. ELAINE kicks him.
ELAINE: HEY!
PUDDY: What?
ELAINE: Say hi to Jerry.
PUDDY pauses with a blank stare on his face
PUDDY: Hey Jer.
JERRY: How's it going Puddy?
PUDDY is already playing the video game again and doesn't respond.
ELAINE: DAVID…he asked how you're doing.
PUDDY: Not now I'm on fire.
ELAINE: That's my life now I guess.
JERRY: We're all suffering.
OK that's a lot of dialogue. I wanted to write a few scenes for you to really be able to visualize but now we're at 1,500+ words so I'm just going to give a synopsis of what happens the rest of the episode.
Jerry finally cracks on Jessica and makes up that he got an email from his landlord that no guests are allowed in the apartment starting tomorrow because of the quarantine. He says she can stay until it starts tomorrow, but Jessica doesn't believe it so she tricks Jerry into letting her have his phone to pick a movie to stream. Instead of doing that she checks his emails to find that no such email exists, breaks it off with him and leaves. "It's like the doctors are saying - we're social distancing!" Jerry yells out the hallway as she storms out.
Kramer hears all the commotion and comes out of his apartment. He tells Jerry that "Kramer Klean" is raking in the dough. He and Newman have been driving in Newman's mail truck as "essential" workers around the burroughs of New York, but Brooklyn has really been their bread and butter. He even sold some hand sanitizer to Kevin Durant. "You did not sell hand sanitizer to Kevin Durant," Jerry says. "You betcha I did" Kramer responds with a story of how he tweeted about having sanitizer and an account with only a few followers reached out to him that they were interested and there would be a big reward.
Turns out it was Kevin Durant's burner account. Kramer got some new KD shoes in return for the favor from Durant and he does a catwalk strut up and down the hallway in his new shoes for Jerry. A few days later, Kramer starts to feel under the weather. He comes to Jerry's to try to get some orange juice and when he's telling him about his symptoms, news breaks on the TV that Durant has tested positive for Coronavirus. "You gave Kevin Durant Coronavirus?!" Jerry yells.
Meanwhile George is still stuck with his parents at his apartment. Jerry tells him Kramer probably has Coronavirus to which h responds "I'd rather be in a hospital with coronavirus than cooped up with his parents any longer". He finally thinks he gets some alone time away from his folks to do the Zoom call with Laura, but his wifi is slow because he pays for the cheapest kind so during the middle of the "sexy suprise" Zoom call the screen lags and pauses on Laura as she's doing her tease. Mrs. Costanza walks out to the living room to get some water, creeps up on George, sees the screen and screams. George panics, tries to get up quickly from the chair but his pants are off so he trips over them.
Cue the music and credits.
Whew that was fun. Would love to hear your Seinfeld or other sitcom plots for quarantine.