Bears, Berserkers, and Beefalos, Hi I am Billy.
***DISCLAIMER: The following blog was written by Billy Football. Thoughts and opinions do not represent the views of me, Jake Marsh. I am just helping Billy get the blog posted.***
Yo what’s up guys, I am Billy. I used to be an intern for Pardon My Take in the summer of 2017. I do not know what my current title is with the company, but Big Cat and PFT told me Mike Pence said that I had to come back to Barstool in order to save the 2020 Football season, and more importantly, Fight Covid by being a Gen X to tell the other Gen X’s to stay inside if they didn’t listen to Dr. Fauci, the GOAT. Anyways, I am here to tell you guys about some interesting topics to stimulate your minds so you stay inside and don’t go spreading Corona.
BEARS
BEARS ARE FREAKIN SICK
I was supposed to do a bit on PMT on human hibernation but I got sidetracked by bears when I found out bears recycled their poop and pee during hibernation-like an internal cyclical human centipede.
Polar bears have black skin underneath their skin.
Grizzly bears are as fast as a racehorse.
KOALAS AND RED PANDAS ARE NOT BEARS, Polar bears have never met a penguin in wild.
BLACK (bears) FIGHT BACK, BROWN (bears) LAY DOWN, WHITE (bears) SAY GOODNIGHT.
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Male Bears are called Boars while females are Sows. (these are familiar nomenclature to pigs)
Pandas SUCK at sex, their lack of LIBIDO and bad penis to body ratio makes them terrible at making babies.
"For giant pandas, mating is a difficult affair, in part, because male giant pandas have one of the smallest penises relative to body size in the animal kingdom, Martin-Wintle said."
"In part because of those lousy libidos, the world’s giant panda population is disturbingly small."
NOW POLAR BEARS ON THE OTHER HAND, Polar bears go at it for HOURS ON THE ICE
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Now you tell me who looks like they are having a better time
Or...
Polar Bears are SO good at sex they are even CUCKING GRIZZLIES
WHEN A POLAR BEAR CUCKS GRIZZLIES IT IS CALLED A GROLAR BEAR!!!
The Biggest Advocates for action against climate change are Grizzlies!
Because all the horny polar bears are now migrating south due to receding ice and making babies with grizzlies and embarrassing the average loving grizzlies.
Pictured: incel grizzly
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Now we are gonna talk about some Badass Bears
One 175 lb black bear did 88 lbs of cocaine and died meaning a bear can do just under half its body weight in cocaine and survive.
There was a Polish bear that was enlisted in the Polish military during WW2 that used to carry ammunition and help kill Nazis. He reached the rank of Corporal and could salute and rip cigs. (PFT told me about the cigs part)
There was also a bear that would serve a Russian king vodka so that’s pretty cool 2.
Anyway, people have always been obsessed with bears there was a Bear warrior cult amongst Vikings based on prehistoric Hunting magic was early Cro-Magnon man would worship Bear’s hunting ability and ferocity.
These Warrior were first described by Roman Emperor Trajan in his conquest of Germania (Northern Europe). He described them as “Men, but seemingly beasts, who fought naked except for Bear fur who would Bark and howl while biting shields and foam at the mouth” (I think this is what he said)
Anyway, these dudes are described in Norse sagas as fighting solo or in small groups, Berserkergangs, and would not feel “Steel, nor fire, nor pain” and allied soldiers would stay far away from their Melee’s so not to be indiscriminately hacked down.
Imagine a mixture of Thad Castle injected with Rabies and Wes Welker on Molly, naked, with a battle-ax and shield.
One berserker held off a whole army at the Battle of Stamford bridge in 1066 (1066 was the march-madness of battles).
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Anyway so turns out these warriors would be the historical influence of werewolf and werebear legends.
These dudes were so badass that every King and Queen wanted them as royal guards. THIS is why the standstill, cant laugh Queens guards of England still wear bearskin hats.
Anyway turns out they were all on psilocybin mushrooms the whole time.
These warriors also used to give huge amounts of blood in battle, speaking off the COVID virus has caused a national blood shortage in blood banks so let’s all donate a ton of blood like the berserkers did in the battle against CORONA. Cancer patients, people with autoimmune diseases all need blood right now especially with the health system getting so stressed right now.
I’m trying to start a Berserker Blood Cult where we all try to donate as much blood, plasma as we can to help out in the Battle against COVID.
Follow me on twitter @billyhottakes if you like this kinda stuff and let’s go donate our berserker blood to go into other people’s bodies and fight their diseases. I have B+ blood which I keep asking if they could round up to A- if I give more than allowed but they say they can’t change it so whatever.
Also if you know where I can find a male rescue American bulldog puppy dm on twitter I wanna name him bear.
Anyway Heres a picture of a Beefalo