Choose Your Own Adventure: A Trip to Melty's
With the ever-popular and real under-18 dance hall, Melty's, in the news lately, causing much a stir to idiots to Ohioans to idiot Ohioans, a lot of people have been clamoring to know what this scorching hot club is.
KB compiled a very abridged version of the hubbub here:
Unfortunately Melty's met its bitter end in 2006, after a teenage impetigo outbreak that plagued the Ohio Valley was traced back to the heavily carpeted juvenile club, causing its strip mall doors to close permanently. The experience of losing 12-15 pounds during a single 80 degree foam party has been lost in time, never to be had again.
Until now.
As a frequent patron, sweater, and mandatory chicken player of Melty's, I feel it is my civic duty to create an interactive, typical night there.
The rules are much like the previous choose your own adventure; read the section, make your choice, and try to survive. Yes survive, just like the real Melty's, tweens and teens alike will be dropping like flies. There is one new element though, inspired by the Shrine of the Silver Monkey from the abysmal gameshow, Legends of the Hidden Temple. But rather than 3 pieces of a monkey, this story has 3 sections of a golden Jeff D. Lowe doubloon. It is said that assembling this mighty token will bring great fortune in your journey. Best of luck.
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.
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Friday Afternoon, June 3rd 2005, 8th Period
The last class after a long week of seventh grade. You haven't been paying attention to a thing in Mrs. Blackmore's West Virginia History class. Rather, you've been making a crude doodle of one of the little sixth graders everybody makes fun of. You plan on taping it to his locker after class, in hopes that he cries again.
Before you can finish his wrestling singlet, the final bell rings. Finally the weekend.
Get a Root Beer Float
You beeline towards the concession stand.
"The only?" mutters the grumpy barkeep.
"Make it a double", you say cooly.
In the matter of seconds, you have a freshly melted root beer float, as a concoction of soda and cream is overflowing from the dirty glass, and onto your once clean hands.
Step up to the plate
You square up in the box, and await your first pitch.
CRACK.
Perfect contact, but the balls feel oddly hollow.
CRACK.
2 for 2, not to shabby.
You are feeling good, but then you are interrupted before you can take your third swing.
"EVERYBODY TO THE FLOOR NOW, IT'S CHICKEN TIME."
H&R Block
"Lots full Mom! Just park at the H&R Block"
She pulls into the last open spot, and you hop out of the van.
The temperature in just the parking lot is a good 10 degree warmer than the typical night air.
You can already hear Crazy Frog blasting from inside.
You enter Melty's and are immediately drenched in sweat.
You've made it to your own personal Mecca.
Leave Class
The doodle can wait. You have big plans this weekend. You say goodbye to your principal, Fr. Jacob, and give him the obligatory Friday kiss on the lips before you scurry out to the bus.
As you walk down the aisle, you see your best friend Nathan McFarland waving over to you, an open seat next to him. You're making you way to Nathan, but pass the new transfer student, Rebecca. She's been held back at least 3 years, and smokes cigarettes. Rumor has it she's had 3 abortions already. She is your dream girl.
Top
"Give me top. My old K-Swiss have zero tread.", you say ashamed.
You climb up on Nathan's shoulders, and turn around to face your opponent.
Your eyes can't believe it, and your stomach drops.
The new girl from the bus…you can't beat her, but you also can't lose.
Panic sets in.
The club owner and full time referee, Dustin, blows his whistle, signifying the matchup.
"Get her man! She's tiny!", Nathan screeches.
You put your hands up, and begin to grapple with her. You need a miracle to escape this nightmare.
In a split second your sticky hand grazes her hair, pulling out a piece of coin along with some hair.
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A final piece to the ancient coin. It magically combines into one seamless doubloon, and is emitting a palpable energy.
A genie appears suddenly, and everybody freezes in fear.
"Hello, I am Jeff D. Lowe, the D stands for Djinn. I have come to share a factoid."
The crowd remains silent.
"In the movie ‘Ocean’s Eleven’, Brad Pitt’s character, Rusty, can be seen eating nachos following the poker scene. The nachos are completely CGI. Originally Rusty was eating Cheet-"
Before he can finish, everybody else is in a deep unnatural sleep.
You look at him and can only say, "Thank you djinn."
"All in a days work, now I must go get a haircut."
He disappears without a trace, leaving you surrounded by sleeping adolescents in a pile of foam.
Wait.
Drippz
Drippz it is.
You arrive a few hours later, and as soon as you open the heavily tinted door are hit with a wave of heat Melty's could only wish to achieve. You begin to unbutton your already sopping shirt you peer around the corner to see your favorite Canadian music artist, Daniel fucking Powter, playing on stage next to a roaring bonfire. That explains the heat.
"I think you guys will like this one", Daniel says to the wet teens. He begins to play Bad Day for the third time. People start partnering up for a slow dance. Across the slick floor, you see the new girl again, from the bus, dance partner-less. But you also see that the overweight bouncer has fainted from the heat, leaving the door to backstage completely unguarded.
Start dancing
The Crazy Frog is too hard to resist. What starts with a simple foot tap, becomes a full blown dance, surrounded by the other teens.
Your gray shirt soon turns a dark black, saturated with sweat. You don't care, the only thing you can focus on is the rhythm of Axel F.
Before you know it you're in the direct center of the dance floor. You start to feel dizzy. Oh no. This has happened to kids before you, and you know you're about to be another statistic on a college students thesis on "The 2005 spike of hyperthermia in the Ohio Valley".
As your vision fades, the last thing you hear is the drop to your favorite song about an insane amphibian…
You die with a smile.
Perkins
All three of you pull up to Perkins.
Your mom whispers that it won't be too long.
You walk in, sit in the stickiest booth and order a Root Beer Float. It's not even melted in the slightest bit. Pathetic.
Horace, eyes welling up begins to speak.
"It all happened so fast. First the divorce, then I lost my job, and now this. I don't know how much more fight I have in me. To be honest with you guys, I'm scared. I real scared. I think it was a miracle I bumped into you both. You are all I have. Thank you."
Finish Doodle
You click your mechanical pencil twice to get the minute details of his cauliflower ear. You run out of the classroom, hang it on his locker with a smile, and run out of school, only to see the taillights of your bus.
Goddammit.
Wait
Everybody slowly wakes up in a noticable fog. The forst thing they see is you, standing strong in the foam. Ranther than getting to their feet, everybody kneels, placing their palms on the ground.
A chant begins.
"King of the Heat"
"King of the Heat"
"King of the Heat"
"King of the Heat"
You win.
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"Yes Daniel Powter"
DP's drug mule for years
Just watch for now
Pokey Reese Shirzee
You throw on the authentic shirt of your favorite Pirates player. The ladies are going to love this.
As you put the shirt over you head, a strange gold piece of coin, that looks to be ancient falls out.
"Weird, but this looks important. I'll keep it."
You hop in your moms Mesa Beige Honda Odyssey and head across the river to Ohio.
As soon as you open the door, you are blasted with a familliar wave of heat.
You close your eyes and take a deep breath of the Axe and chicken noodle soup scented air.
You're home.
Get yourself a Root Beer Float.
Sit Next to Nathan
Women can wait, and Nathan is your dude.
"Yo, Nathan, what's the game plan tonight, I'm trying to freaking dance."
"Keep it down, man, I don't want the bus driver hearing us….but I was thinking we get a little sweaty at Metly's tonight. Foam party again, too."
"Melty's again?", you say, "I heard that new hotter club, Drippz, has a secret concert tonight."
Walk Home
As you begin your trek home, you hear a rustle in the bushes.
Probably just a raccoon. You pick up your pace a bit.
The rustling gets louder and louder. Until you see a fully grown 9 foot bear. Not even Godzilla could overpower this monster. You don't even attempt to run and accept your fate.
Sit Next to New Girl
"Hey"
"Hi I'm Rebecca. Want a cig?"
"No thanks."
She puts the Parliament back into her Jansport.
"So Rebecca, what are you doing tonight? Do you like to sweat?"
"Please don't tell me you're asking me to Melty's. I'm going to that new club, Drippz in Washington, PA. They figured out how to get to the low 90s in there."
"Oh, heh, yeah…Drippz, I love it there…umm…"
Try to convince her to go to Melty's.
"Took you long enough, bitch"
"What did you just say to me?"
Agree to Melty's
"Eh let's stick to what we know and go to Melty's. Missing the feel of hot foam."
You get off the bus and run inside your house, straight to your closet.
You look in, and are torn between 2 shirts.
Maybe the hardest decision of your life.
You pull them both off the rack, and examine your options.
Light Gray Antwaan Randle El shirzee.
"Mom, I'm so sorry"…
"Ugh. It's okay honey. I know you had a long week of class, and were probably just focused on finishing an assignment. Accidents happen."
"You're the best mom. So…can I go to Melty's tonight?"
"Of course baby, you deserve a break."
She turns the car around and heads toward the St. Clairsville, Ohio strip mall.
You arrive, and see the warm orange glow of the Melty's sign. Your body instinctively starts to sweat. The lot is packed.
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Park in front of Dr. Symanski Proctology Offices .
Top
"Give me top. My old K-Swiss have zero tread.", you say ashamed.
You climb up on Nathan's shoulders, and turn around to face your opponent.
Your eyes can't believe it, and your stomach drops.
The new girl from the bus…you can't beat her, but you also can't lose. Panic sets in.
The club owner and full time referee, Dustin, blows his whistle, signifying the matchup.
"Get her man! She's tiny!", Nathan screeches.
You close your eyes and give one mighty shove, feeling solid contact on your crush.
She begins to topple, reaching for you hands to save her.
As you reach, your non-sticky hands cannot grip hers.
A loud thud is the next thing you hear.
You see your crush, lying there lifeless.
"Not again, this is going to ruin me", Dustin says, frantically calling 911.
The foam party claims another sacrifice.
Backstage
You sneak up the side stage steps, hopping over what seems to be the new corpse of the bouncer.
Your jaw drops. Along with the rows of Powter Custom First Act guitars and amps is a stack of what seems to be bricks of pure cocaine.
As you reach for one, you hear a familiar voice.
"Looks like you're about to have one bad day kid."
Fuck. It's Powter. You slowly turn around, only to see the cold steel of a Beretta pressed to your forehead.
"The way I see it, you have 2 choices. We could use a hand around here, and I admit, you've got guts. Start smuggling this pure ass Daniel yeyo for me."
Perkins Still
"And the worst part of it all is, when I called Sheila with the news, her new boyfriend picked up. He's an investment banker in Pittsburgh. Real good to her too. As much as I want to hate him, I can't. He provides to Sheila and the kids better than I ever could have imagined. Even heard our youngest, Kaitlyn, call him Daddy in the background on the phone. Bet she doesn't even rememeber me."
Downstairs Batting Cage
Overwhelmed with heat, you beeline downstairs to the singular batting cage. Your exhaling breath becomes more and more visible with every step you take down the rickety wooden steps. The hair on your arms stands on end.
Smack
Smack
Smack
The familiar sound of the cage is welcome to your ears.
It's been awhile since you've taken a cut, may be a little rusty.
Convince her to go to Melty's
"Ew no. Melty's is kiddy stuff."
She leans across the bus aisle, towards Nathan.
"Hey you."
"Yeah?"
"Want to go to Drippz with me?"
"Sure", Nathan shruggs.
Looks like another night dry and alone for you.
Antwaan Randle El shirzee
You throw on the authentic shirt of your favorite Steelers wide receiver. The ladies are going to love this.
You hop in your moms Mesa Beige Honda Odyssey and head across the river to Ohio.
As soon as you open the door, you are blasted with a familliar wave of heat.
You close your eyes and take a deep breath of the Axe and chicken noodle soup scented air.
You're home.
Stay Sticky
You finish your float, and find a second strange golden piece of coin at the bottom of the glass, it fits perfectly next to the piece you found earlier today.
"Huh. Guess I'll keep this."
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A booming voice from the intercom fills the room, "EVERYBODY TO THE FLOOR NOW, IT'S CHICKEN TIME."
You scurry to the dance floor, knowing the repercussions of missing a MMFCM (Mandatory Melty's Foam Chicken Match).
As everybody is partnering up, you lock eyes with Nathan, both nodding.
"You ready to win this thing?"
"Born ready."
"My shoulders or yours?"
Base.
Top.
"No Daniel Powter"
"Nobody says no to The Powter motherfucker, looks like you won't be getting the Best of Me"
"Daniel is that a reference to another one of your songs? I really only kind of know one-"
Before you can finish, DP pulls the trigger. As you fade out of consciousness you hear him say "Why the fuck wouldn't you just go to Melty's?"
Slowdance
"Hey."
"Hey."
"You're drenched."
"You too."
"Wanna dance?"
"K."
Your soggy shirts slap when you pull her in, as Daniel is crooning about his shitty day. In what feels like an eternity passes, as you both lock eyes.
"I think that bouncer died. Want to sneak off into the coat closet with me?", she asks.
Follow her to the coat closet.
Fucking Perkins Still
"Is this the end of my story? Who's to say. But it isn't looking good. When I look back on. my life, all I see are mistakes and regret. Best thing I've ever done was be your brother and your Uncle. Promise me you won't forget about m-"
His droning puts you right to sleep. You wake up in your bed, mom and dad by your side, saying what a good nephew you are. You just wanted to go to Melty's.
Call Mom
Mom is NOT going to be happy you missed the bus again.
You pull out your Tracfone, crossing you fingers that you still have enough minutes on it.
Ring
Ring
Ring
"Don't tell me you missed the bus again."
She says she'll be there in fifteen, and abrubtly hangs up.
30 minutes later, mom pulls up in her minivan.
You hop in the passenger seat and glance over at her.
"Mom, I'm sorry." Ask to go to Melty's.
Chicken
You scurry upstairs, knowing the repercussions of missing a MMFCM (Mandatory Melty's Foam Chicken Match).
As everybody is partnering up, you lock eyes with Nathan, both nodding.
"You ready to win this thing?"
"Born ready."
"My shoulders or yours?"
Base.
Top.
Keep batting
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You're really clobbering these balls, and with everybody else playing chicken, there will be nobody else asking for a turn.
You hear the sound of a muffled Crazy Frog begin, and the sound of people collapsing from either the heat, foam, or chicken.
You have yet to miss a ball, and are happy woth your decision, until you hear Melty's owner, and recent college grad, Dustin.
"Hello boy. Nice swing, but you know chicken is mandatory at Melty's."
"Oh Dustin hey, sorry man I forgot…", you lie.
"No worries my friend, I'm glad you like the batting cage, because you'll be staying here forever."
Dusting pulls out a rusty cleaver.
A ball shoots from the pitching machine, hits the backstop with a thud, and rolls to your feet.
These haven't been baseballs you've been hitting.
They are boy skulls.
Wash your hands
You need to get the sticky float remnants off of your hands, so you head to the bathroom to wash up.
While youre in there with a bunch of fainted tweens you hear over the intercom: "EVERYBODY TO THE FLOOR NOW, IT'S CHICKEN TIME."
Base
"Give me base. These new K-Swiss have killer tread.", you say with confidence.
Nathan climbs up on your shoulders.
The club owner and full time referee, Dustin, blows his whistle, signifying the matchup.
You and Nathan vs. 2 college kids who used fake drivers permits to get in.
You are completely outmatched, being tossed around like a ragdoll.
"JUST DROP ME MAN", Nathan screeches.
You try to pry your hands from his thighs, but the melted Root Beer Float remnants have formed an adhesive stronger than any known chemical bond.
The adult chicken team gives one last mighty shove, and you can feel your spine bending backward until it gives with an ear shattering crack.
The foam party claims another sacrifice.
Pussy Out
Your first chance to make out with a girl, and you blow it.
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You begin your trek home, you hear a rustle in the bushes.
Probably just a raccoon. You pick up your pace a bit.
The rustling gets louder and louder. Until you see a fully grown 9 foot bear. Not even Godzilla could overpower this monster. You don't even attempt to run and accept your fate
Coat Closet
"FREEZE."
You stop dead in your tracks.
"What in the fuck are you thinking? You're a full grown adult male and you ended up to this part of the blog. Stay focused you sick fuck. You should be ashamed."
Dr. Symanski Proctology Offices
"Lots full Mom! Just park at the doctors office next door!"
She pulls in and abruptly gasps.
"Why is my brother leaving Dr. Symanski's? C'mon lets go see whats wrong with your Uncle Horace."
You roll your eyes, but follow your mom.
Horace has obviously just finished weeping. He wipes his still puffy eyes and whispers into your mom's ear.
Mom falls to her knees. Tears start to fall from her eyes.
She gains composure, stands up, and hugs your uncle tightly.
"Get in the car with us. Let's go get a coffee at Perkins. We will get through this together."
Get back in car with your mom and Uncle Horace.
Base
"Give me base. These new K-Swiss have killer tread.", you say with confidence.
Nathan climbs up on your shoulders.
The club owner and full time referee, Dustin, blows his whistle, signifying the matchup.
You and Nathan vs. 2 college kids who used fake drivers permits to get in.
You are completely outmatched, being tossed around like a rag doll.
The adult chicken team gives one last mighty shove, and you can feel yourself losing the grip on Nathans thighs.
He falls from your hands onto the ground of the Melty's dance floor with a thud.
You see your best friend lying there lifeless.
"Not again, this is going to ruin me", Dustin says, frantically calling 911.
The foam party claims another sacrifice, and the night is ruined.