It Is With Considerable Concern That I Announce Dave "El Pres" Portnoy Has Unfollowed Me On Twitter
I am what many would consider a volume shooter on Twitter. That is the nice way to say that the vast majority of my tweets fucking stink. I know this, many of you know this and roughly 25 thousand other people who follow me on the website are acutely aware of this fact. How I ever managed to ascend beyond a handful of followers truly is beyond me. Do I hit every once in a while? Sure, but who doesn't. This isn't a fishing for compliments type thing here, I really don't know how people do it. Many of you do not, I have read about it on the Barstool Reddit. I am not offended, humor is subjective. Maybe my comedy goes over your head, who's to blame, no one.
With all of these things taken into account, you're probably wondering if I consider myself a good twitter follow? The short answer is no. The long answer is not necessary here because it is also no.
Even with all of these things considered, it was a pretty surreal experience when I first got hired here to have the likes of Pres, Big Cat, PFT, Nick Turani, Kyle "KBNoSwag" Bauer and Pete "All-Business" Pete follow me on there, among others. The heavy hitters were now going to have their famous eyes and giant brains looking at and thinking about my semi-incoherent train of thought tweets. What an exciting proposition that one of my tweets may end up with millions of eyes on it because one of my famous coworkers deemed me worthy of a reply or (eek!) a retweet.
After seeing Dave in the office this morning, I decided to take a quick trip over to his personal Twitter account to see what he had tweeted about so far today. And there it was. A empty, space next to his @ name devoid of the "Follows you" tag. My heart sunk, my stomach all but dropped through my asshole and I think I may have pissed a bit but at that point I couldn't differentiate from the tears. Do I still have a job? My email worked and I booked travel for a work thing this morning, so I think I am still currently employed. Could it have been a mistake? I highly doubt it. So, I decided this must not be professional, but rather personal. Is that better? Probably not. Certainly more hurtful.
I know for a fact Dave still followed me a week ago because I was looking through my mutual follows for a project I am working on and he was on that list. So, it must have been something over this last weeks that sealed my fate. A quick trip over to my Twitter account and the investigation had begun. What was the tweet that acted as the straw that broke the camel's back? I may never know, but I can take a handful of cracks at it.
1.
Maybe Dave secretly a giant Kyle Bornheimer fan. Did my tweet about this punchable-face looking mfer who manages to consistently show up in nearly every television show I've ever watched offend him so deeply he just could not stand to look at anything I say any longer? Is he such a big fan of him as douchebag older brother in She's Out of My League or douchebag older brother in LOVE on Netflix or his brief appearance as advertisement guy in The Office? Maybe. I will admit I didn't take Borheimerheads into account while drafting that tweet.
2.
I know Dave and the other powers at be here prefer to keep things at Barstool Sports non-political if all possible, so this one is on me. Hand up, I own it. I didn't stick to sports and there are consequences that follow those actions, one of which I may be currently serving. I am officially renouncing my endorsement of Todd out of respect for our company.
3.
I'm going to be honest, I'm not sure of Dave's personal opinions on India-Pakistan relations and the current state of conflicts in Kashmir. Maybe he has an impassioned opinion or pro-India stance. Maybe it isn't quite that deep but he sides with India in the storied cricket-based rivalry that has contributed to the divided state of these neighboring nations for centuries. I'm not here to breakdown the complexities of this. While this tweet was meant to acknowledge that I was simply seeing these, I see how one could assume I was #TeamPakistan. Furthermore, maybe TikTok's complex algorithm knew I was #TeamPakistan before I even did myself. Sympathizing without even knowing is a new low for me. Again, very much my fault and for that I am sorry.
4.
Jizz is gross. I don't think that is a controversial take. If that is, let me know. To each their own, but just not my thing. While I am filled with it (shocking to some of you I know), it is by no means my favorite substance, or even bodily fluid for that matter, around. Maybe it wasn't the "jizz," but rather the "cum" that did me in. Maybe he has developed a strong distance against puns, which I know would be newfound as several Dave tweets where he said (pun intended) come to mind. Whatever it was, or maybe wasn't, a twelve word tweet where 1/6th of the content is concerning loads is not for everyone, I think.
5.
Well I certainly hope this wasn't the one to do it. I would never, and I mean never insinuate that the man who was kind enough to generously provide me with employment during a global pandemic would not endorse this statement, or go as far as unfollowing someone due to their passion for simply keeping others alive. But, since it is my most engaged-with tweet of the last week, it felt like I would be doing a journalistic disservice to not at least include it on the list.
I may never know what exactly it was that did me in. It could be one of the five above, it could be a different tweet, it could be that he really just hates my guts. It isn't very often you find yourself in a lose, lose, lose situation, yet here I am. Will I ever be able to earn back this follow that took me a decade on Twitter to receive? Only time will tell.