Barron Height 9'11"
I’ve never been one to conspire or hyperbolize, but it seems like every time a new picture of Barron Trump surfaces on the internet, he’s at least 7 to 9 inches taller.
By now, it's no secret that our Commander-in-chief's 14-year-old seed is astonishingly tall for his age and seems to be on pace to accidentally get drafted to the NBA. But as we pondered on The Yak earlier this week, what would happen if Barron Trump never stopped growing at that rate and also got hired by Barstool?
And if acknowledging the objectively impressive height of the president's son makes you a spokesperson for "Libstool," then consider me Michael Moore.
CHAPTER 1: Bloomings
"Call me Barron." That's what the unrecognizably massive sophomore boy requests of his confused classmates after coming back from summer break a jaw-dropping 10 inches taller. Instead, the angst-fueled fifteen-year-old earns the nickname "Spurt Cobain" and only continues to grow larger and larger as the school year progresses.
7’8” Son Army
By age 16, Barron is the height of Manute Bol and the width of a stack of tires. Despite being an unstoppable force on the basketball court and football field, his papa, upon seeing his true potential as a star on the battlefield, pressures Barron to forgo his junior year of athletics to focus on training to be a troop. During his time in JROTC, Barron becomes even larger, stronger, and more rebellious. And with a jarringly deep and intimidating voice that sounds like Xerxes being interviewed on Drugs Inc., President Trump has no choice but to succumb to his extraordinarily gigantic teen son’s wishes to drop out of high school and intern at Barstool Sports.
Barstool Barron
Perhaps Dave Portnoy's biggest snag yet, the 7’10” seventeen-year-old intern arrives in New York City and instantly makes a splash, securing the third and fourth chairs on Barstool Breakfast, doing the ad reads for Dude Wipes, and making torso cameos on The Rundown.
The Fed Barron
Before long, @BarstoolBarron is hosting his own food/travel series in which he rates international cuisine while flying in his papa's Boeing 757 at mach speeds. Utilizing the modern Balls scale and “One Bite” rule with heaping portions of eclectic dishes, the gargantuan teen boy only continues to grow even more exponentially during his first month on the job.
The Barron Donald Show
Barstool Barron reluctantly teams up with his step brother and longtime stoolie Donald Trump Jr. to start an NFL podcast exclusively about All Pro defensive ends for the Los Angeles Rams. The program nearly lasts a couple episodes before the duo runs out of talking points and guest interviews. Barron, who’s now 8’1” and has the wingspan of an Andean condor, decides to pivot away from football and shift his content focus toward pop culture, dating, and binge drinking.
Feelin’ Good As Hell
Barstool Barron experiences genuine happiness and satisfaction for the first time in his life after discovering a newfound knack for yugging beers and wiggling his impossibly large adolescent body to the stylings of Roddy Ricch and Billie Eilish. Upon this transformation, the monstrous man child launches “Planned Barronhood: Uncensored,” a scripted yet raunchy lifestyle podcast detailing the trials and tribulations of being a Gen-Z internet star who still doesn't have his shit together.
8’3” N Sober
After receiving backlash for “jacking the style” of Plan Bri Uncut, the cartoonishly enormous teen boy rebrands as a straight edge, pro life Christian youth pastor/literature buff and completely changes the name and artistic direction of his podcast.
Barron’s Teen Prayers
“Barron’s Teen Prayers,” featuring alternating guest stars Big Tennessee, Lil Sasquatch and Jerry Thornton, quickly soars to the top of the Religion & Spirituality podcast charts. But just as he starts hitting his stride and accumulating a cult-like fan base, the eight-and-a-half feet tall anthropomorphic Kodiak bear of a boy is prematurely terminated from his internship at Barstool for using a slur while "reading along" to an audio recording of a Twain novel.
The Groath of Office
The Prodigal Son returns home for the rest of the summer, ultimately learning from his intolerant mistakes and growing as a person. So much so that he kneels or sits whenever the National Anthem is played before banquets in the White House. Eventually, Barron outgrows all the ceilings and furniture in his home and demands his father to remove the Abraham Lincoln statue from the Lincoln Memorial so that he can comfortably sit down somewhere.
B.T. the XL Terrestrial
After growing an additional eleven inches and 180 pounds in the month of August alone, Barron Trump is officially one of the largest land-dwelling mammals on earth. He’s now forced to sleep outside on the South Lawn and tuck Mike Pence into his waistband when he goes to see Hamilton. With plans of attending college at a private university in New England, Barron starts to question whether or not it's possible for a "big man on campus" to be too big.
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Don’s Son & Whales
Despite encouragement and bedside manner from Jeff Nadu, Barron is simply too large to inhabit land with humans anymore, let alone physically fit inside a dormitory or lecture hall. So he swims off the coast of Rhode Island to dwell with the sea creatures while feeding on krill and mackerel. With superhuman buoyancy and a height that exceeds the average depths of the Atlantic Ocean’s continental shelf, the astronomically oversized orca of a boy is incapable of drowning. But is he also incapable of finding love?
Cuz I Love You
While wading near the coast of Kennebunkport, Maine after fleeing from a Nor’easter cyclone, Barron Trump, who’s now the length and width of a standard lighthouse, hears some of the most beautiful sounds of his life echoing at boisterous volumes from someone or something in the distance. Enamored by its passion and vocal range, he instantly falls in love and sets out on a mission to find the mysterious singer.
Barron Stalkabitch
A few months later, an outspoken and unapologetically single woman named Melissa Jefferson takes legal action after looking out of her bedroom window one evening and seeing Barron Trump’s colossal head peaking out overtop the largest Sycamore tree in her backyard. According to Jefferson, the Sequoia-sized behemoth of a teen boy appeared to have been wearing a Grubhub ball cap down to his brow and “spying on her” with night vision goggles.
Truth Hurts
Jefferson’s tenacity in the courtroom only makes Barron, who’s now roughly the size of an industrial storage silo, fall deeper and deeper in love with her. But as the trials go on and he continues to grow, he faces the realization that his heart is simply too big — literally and physically — to ever find love on earth.
Apollo Spurt Teen
To be continued…