JV Baseball Team Suspended For Having Sex With A McChicken Sandwich On The Team Bus
GRAND FORKS, N.D. (Valley News Live) – It’s a bizarre story we’ve been investigating for almost a week now out of Grand Forks. A viewer alerted us to a situation involving players on the Grand Forks Central Junior Varsity Baseball Team. A group of these young athletes participated in a sexual act with a sandwich and a bottle of Gatorade while others took pictures, and supposedly, video.
Last Thursday was the first Valley News Live was told about the Grand Forks Central High School Baseball Team supposedly putting bodily fluids onto a chicken sandwich and into a bottle of Gatorade, and then forcing other players on the team to consume it.
We called the school district and were directed to Associate Principal Jon Strandell, who only confirmed that “players were suspended for an incident on a bus following the team’s final game of the season.” Strandell would not go into detail, but did say only six were suspended out of the 15-18 players on the bus at the time.
Since then, numerous phone calls and emails have come in with more allegations of what actually happened. Simple Twitter searches began yielding results that basically confirmed the rumors. Bethany tweeted “Moral of the story boys are gross.” Kyle tweeted “never been more disgusted in my life.” This was followed by Jordyn tweeting out “Never eating a McChicken again thanks to the classy JV boys, :)”.
We called the District again, this time they were willing to talk.
“Bottom line is some young people made mistakes,” explained GFCHS Principal Buck Kasowski.
Kasowski would not get into the specifics of what happened on the bus.
“The incident in question: was it of a sexual nature at all?” asked Reporter Bradford Arick.
“That’s not something I can tell you,” replied Kasowski.
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First of all before we get started, my sneaky favorite part of this story is the opening, “it’s a bizarre story we’ve been investigating for almost a week now.” A week? Investigating a chicken sandwich fucking? Imagine if that was like the crowning professional achievement of your career? At some journalism conference full of writers discussing their recent trip to uncover genocide in Central Africa, talking about their Pulitzer nominations for their coverage of the Ramadi takeover. How about you Bob? Yeahhh earlier this year I spent 7 days garnering sources and poring over documents on some teenage baseball players sticking their dicks inside a McChicken on a school bus. Got to the bottom of it though, broke the case wide open when I found a tweet from a 15 year old girl. Like the Woodward and Bernstein of simulated McDonald’s chicken sandwich sex.
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Now as for the actual story, not really comprehending why we’re making this such a big deal here in Grand Forks? Week long exposés and a team suspension? I mean no offense to the McChicken but…it’s a chicken sandwich. Like it’s not alive or have feelings or anything. It’s just kind of gross. But the outrage level is making it seem like it was done to a human being or something though. I guess the “telling other people to eat it” afterwards is the bad part? Hazing and shit? Kind of a good way to root out who shouldn’t be on the team in the first place IMO. Anyone pussy enough to get bullied into eating a McChicken covered in dick juice is not a guy I can trust to catch a fly ball in the bottom of the 9th or get my back in a bench clearing brawl that’s for sure.
Anyway what you’ve all been waiting for and why you probably clicked on this blog in the first place – top 5 McDonald’s items I’d have sex with.
5) Egg McMuffin
4) McChicken
3) Big Mac
2) Chicken McNuggets
1) Apple Pie
Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris “Oz” Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris “Oz” Ostreicher: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris “Oz” Ostreicher: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald’s or homemade?