Kirk Niewenhuis Hits Three Home Runs In Three At Bats
“Kirk Nieuwenhuis makes history!” #Mets pic.twitter.com/K4UBytln7y
— Kirk Newenhise [sic] (@MetsKevin11) July 12, 2015
What I’m about to say, I say without a hint of exaggeration: Kirk hitting 3 HRs in 3 ABs today was maybe the most improbable thing to happen in sports. I’m really not kidding. He’s that bad. He’s been that awful. They traded him for a bag that holds balls. The Angels didn’t even include the balls in the bag. It was just the bag. LAA didn’t want him, the Mets take him back and send him to the minors. He continues to fucking SUCK in the minors and somehow gets the call up because the Mets are that bad, and he goes yabo-o-o on us. One of the most improbable things in all of baseball from one of the worst baseball players I’ve ever seen. Only logical explanation is that he went the Portnoy route and sold his soul to the devil. Only the evil magic of Lucifer could achieve such an unlikely occurrence. I applaud your decision Kirk. It’s like doing PEDs but it’s no half measure. He went all in.
PS: If you hit 3 home runs you deserve basically all the royal treatment you can think of, but this was a little weird:
@KFCBarstool A little weird pic.twitter.com/TgjCY6X1NA
— DeSean (@DeSeanAnthony) July 12, 2015
This was definitely weird as shit but sometimes baseball dugouts are a weird place. The problem here is that it went on just a little too long. Like you do that for a few seconds and it’s a normal frat boy/locker room homoerotic thing. Do it for a solid 15 seconds and it’s just fucking creepy guys. I’d say act like you’ve been there before but with all these home runs I guess we really haven’t been there before.