It Appears That Baker Mayfield And His Wife Had A Little Dust-Up With The Aliens Last Night

Alright Browns fans, everybody settle down. There's no need to panic. I've been up since 6:00 am investigating this late night fiasco our QB1 had down in Austin, and I've narrowed it down to four possible scenarios. 

1.) This is a prequel to a Progressive commercial that will be dropping here sometime soon. I hate that this world has come to this, but nothing is sacred anymore. I do love watching major sporting events with people that are oblivious to how fake everything is nowadays though. "Oh my gosh, look at those two people dressed up in orange and blue suits like Dumb and Dumber!" as they sit there jamming their Coca Cola cans into the sight of the camera. Guys, if it's that crazy anymore, it's fake. And after seeing Baker's commercials.....over and over and over again.....this already smells fishy. Can't you just see it now? You turn on Selection Sunday next weekend and they cut to a break. Baker and his wife Emily are driving down a back road in Austin when they see a UFO drop out of the sky. A little ET looking thing comes out by the lake and walks out to remind everyone that Hulu does in fact have live sports. 

2.) My guy Baker and his wife got a little baked up themselves. The timestamps aren't adding up enough for me to buy that they were "on their way home from dinner". I know Texas isn't in the same timezone as the great state of Ohio, but they're only one hour behind us. So you're telling me that at 10:40 pm, during the covid era in which fun has been abolished, you guys were just heading home from supper? First of all, if true, I don't want my quarterback eating past 8 pm. Not when we just got done dealing with Fat Baker accusations all offseason last year. But even if they did go get a late bite at The Cheesecake Factory, I know my QB likes to party and I could see a little devil's lettuce come into play on the ride home. And everyone knows that UFOs are more likely to be spotted when you're high. 

3.) They saw a shooting star. I personally believe that there has to be life somewhere else in this big ol' galaxy thing, but ummmm….."bright ball of light"? The voice of reason here would say that Baker and Emily saw a shooting star or a meteor.

Or………….

4.) The aliens have landed in Lake Travis. First of all, DIBS on if whatever was inside that spaceship can catch the football. We could trade OBJ for some defensive help if this alien has good speed and hands. But second of all, let's make sure they're not here to steal our QB like the shit they tried to pull with Michael Jordan in Space Jam. If the aliens watched the 2nd half of last season, Baker has to be #1 on their big board to bring back to their planet as the face of the AFL.

I'm really hoping that's not the case, but Emily (not typically not a big UFO fan) seems pretty sure of this.

First Lady, let me be the first to thank you for not lying to us. I appreciate your honesty. But I am a little concerned that you are so thrown off by this. I need my quarterback's family LOCKED IN right now. We are a top 3 Super Bowl contender and this offseason is monumental.  I don't care if the aliens start their invasion today: NO DISTRACTIONS.

Can't wait to hear Cowherd's take on this later today.