The Official Sweet Sixteen Of Adam & Eve Sex Toys Battle It Out Going Into The Weekend

As we head into the weekend, wallets ready to be emptied gambling on college basketball, I, and my lovely besties over at Adam & Eve, have decided to bring you a sexier, cooler, more pleasurable Sweet Sixteen - OF SEX TOYS.

For those who haven’t heard this story on any podcast/show I’ve ever been on (I work it into the conversation often), I was a very late bloomer when it came to masturbating. I always thought “this is stupid, I’m way too in my own head to have sex with myself, also I don’t know how and no fucking WAY will I ask anyone or google it.” Then I turned 27 and decided it was time to ship a package discretely to my door and figure it the fuck out. Low and behold, it’s been sunshine and rainbows ever since, thanks to Adam & Eve.

I got to thinking; are there other poor, sad bitches who aren’t cumming as much as I wasn’t?? I refuse to let another day go by without educating all of my fellow tightly wound sexual deviants in disguise. Making yourself cum is fucking awesome. Don’t you wonder why guys LITERALLY never stop talking about it? Action must be taken. I will be breaking down the top 16 items that are for sale on Adam & Eve right now, to the best of my ability. I own a few of these things, I have friends who have tried others, and after you read my analysis, you, too can purchase almost any one item for 50% off AND FREE SHIPPING with promo code KELLY. Yes, they gave me my own promo code. They truly understand passion. 

Without further adieu, we begin:

First Matchup - Fifty Shades of Grey Greedy Girl G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator (1) vs A+E Booty Bliss Vibrating Beads (8)

Right out of the gate it already seems impossible to decide. A rabbit style vibrator with the 50 shades tag?? How do you pass that up? It’s also received the endorsement from E L James, the AUTHOR OF THE BOOK. On the other side, The Booty Bliss vibrating beads are described as “An unintimidating bead stick that's perfect for backdoor beginners –– so let the tushie training begin!” - also extremely valuable if you’re trying to get a little wild with your asshole. I also know that any rabbit style vibrator is no joke, and definitely not for beginners. Knowing that, I think we might have our first upset right out of the gate. For curiosity’s sake alone, I’m going with Booty Bliss Vibrating Beads. What would that even feel like?? 

Winner - Booty Bliss 

Second Matchup - Eve’s Rechargeable Thrusting Rabbit (1) vs Eve’s Slim Pink Pleaser (8)

Advertisement

Another rabbit, this one going even harder than the last. This thrusting rabbit has 100% piqued my interest more than anything I’ve seen thus far in my life. Sure, the Slim Pink Pleaser is a nice standard looking dick that’s colored hot pink, and I give extra points for it being extra realistic with the veins and literal dick head. It’s perfect for beginners/intermediate sex toy owners. But to have a handheld machine that actually fucks you? We’ve got a clear winner here. Adam & Eve, I know you’re listening, feel free to send one of these over to the office for me to conduct more research.

Winner - Thrusting Rabbit 

Third Matchup - Adam & Eve Silicone G-Gasm Rabbit (4) vs Satisfyer Breathless by Adam & Eve (5)

This rabbit version actually looks really nice and the least intimidating. It’s super sleek, not too many bells and whistles. My main complaint about other rabbits is that they’re just a little too much sometimes. This looks like a great middle ground. It’s also described as, “Shaped To Enter Gently, Leaves You Weak In The Knees.” Seems legit. On the other side, the Satisfyer Breathless I know is something that sucks on your clit. Like a starfish. These are great too, but they take some getting used to. I have a different favorite clit sucker, so this W goes to the G-Gasm Rabbit.

Winner - G-Gasms For Dayz

Fourth Matchup - Venus Butterfly Remote Venus G (4) vs Adam & Eve The Complete Lovers Kit (5)

This is a VERY hard decision. The complete lovers kit gives you it all - a vibrator, a couple of different sleeves for that vibrator to make it feel different, a cock ring, Ben-Wa Balls and anal beads. This would be great for a couple to own. But…the VENUS BUTTERFLY?? With a REMOTE? Imagine you pop it in, give the remote to your mans and go about your business while he zaps you with unexpected orgasms?? I know we’ve all seen The Ugly Truth with Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler. Venus Butterfly runs away with this.

Winner - Venus Butterfly (for surprise orgasms)

Fifth Matchup - Satisfyer Pro 2 - Next Generation (2) vs Adam & Eve Booty Boot Camp Training Kit (7)

Advertisement

We love anyone who’s willing to train their asshole with this training kit. Love the dedication, love the perseverance. Sometimes you DO need to train yourself a bit before you decide to just put a real penis in your asshole, and sometimes these trainers will be even bigger than the aforementioned dicks! A very practical purchase. But, the Satisfyer Pro 2? Remember when I said I had a favorite clit sucker? DING DING DING! Right here. It’s hard to figure out at first because you’re afraid it might come in too hot, but I promise it won't. Get right in there. 10/10. Cum to the moon. 

Winner - Satisfyer Pro 2

Sixth Matchup - Eve's Vibrating Strapless Strap-On (2) vs Adam & Eve Chubby Fun Vibe (7)

WOAH. We’re not fucking around with either of these. The vibrating strapless strap on…so you put the non-dick part inside of your vagina, and then it vibrates while you fuck someone else?? My goodness! And the Chubby Fun…is just a VERY THICK dick. I couldn't even crop the whole image to fit right. Described as “Larger than average vibrator in every way, 9" long, insertable up to 8", 2.25" wide,” with a vibrator inside the tip. Both of these sound intimidating as FUCK. Seeing as I’m a pretty small bitch, and I’ve also low key always wanted to see what a strap on would be like, I’m gonna go with the 2 seed. I’m gonna be terrified about it, but I’m too curious. Men everywhere, beware. 

Winner - Vibrating Strapless Strap-On

Seventh Matchup - Eve's First Thruster (3) vs Intro To Prostate Kit (6)

Jesus, Eve! This was your FIRST thruster? Homegirl likes it ROUGH. There’s so much going on here. I get it though. Sometimes you just want something to rip apart your insides AND your outsides. It’s a serious best seller, so it must be doing something right. But, we’ve focused on the ladies a lot during this blog. We haven’t forgotten about our men’s prostates! You deserve to hit your P-Spot too. We’re giving the W to the Prostates.

Winner - Intro to Prostate Kit

Eighth Matchup - Adam & Eve Magic Massager Deluxe 8x (3) vs Super Head Honcho Masturbator (6)

Advertisement

A tough final match. We getting off the girls, or are we getting off the guys? The Magic Massager is probably the most traditional of all sex toys - if you watched Sex and the City, you know Samantha’s been breaking these babies in since the 90s. Can’t argue with longevity. But, this head honcho masturbator? I’m hearing that “Famous sexpert Sue Johanson picked the original Head Honcho as her Sex Toy of the Year on her award-winning TV show.” I would sooner die than disrespect Sexpert “Talk Sex With Sue” Johanson. The men get another hole to stick their dicks in, Honcho takes the W. 

Winner - Head Honcho 

And there we have it. Our Elite 8. Will we have a final four, or will we all just buy every single toy listed and decide that we’re going to stop depriving ourselves of all of the extracurriculars sex toys can bring us? Make the right decision. Adam and Eve. 50% off almost any item. Promo code KELLY. Treat yourself.