Barstool's Guide to Picking an EPL Club
Sam’s Handy, Very Short Guide to Picking an EPL Club
Sup y’all,
It has been an interesting summer in Lawn Fairy Land, highlighted and lowlighted by the respective success and failure of the USWNT and USMNT, but here we are on the precipice of the 2015-16 season and it is time again to shift our focus to the world’s most popular league: the English Premier League.
Eight days – EIGHT DAYS – until games that matter for realz kick off. There is an official EPL season preview in the works that will be coming next week, but in the meantime (apologies to all/both of you loyal readers – hi mom!) it seems like an appropriate time to throw a bone to those people who are bi-curious about following all the drama but are new to the sport and/or EPL and are trying to decide on a club to make their own.
“Soccers gay… nobody cares… why would anybody watch that boring as sport?”
Blah, blah, blah. Listen, if you hate soccer – and lord knows there seems to be a lot of that going around these days – then by all means go back about your myopic life and don’t read this post. I’m sure there are a million “Roger Goodell is a liar and big ol’ meany who is out to screw our rule-abiding football team, wah, wah” blogs out there that you could spend your time reading instead. Needless to say, this post is not for you.
“Yaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy! I’m out and proud and LOVE me some soccer… so now what?”
First of all, congratulations. Telling your friends and family can be hard, but you made the right decision.
Now comes the fun part: picking a team – and not just any team, but YOUR team that you can get into, root for and care about because unlike American sports where you are typically born (or sometimes accepted, in the case of college) into your various athletic affiliations, picking a European soccer team to “support” (as an uppity/Europhilic fan might say) is a little more complicated. You are in luck, however, as Uncle Samir is here to lend you a hand!
Safe harbour statement #1: Yes, I ran something similar last year but this has been updated accordingly…
Safe harbour statement #2: I encourage you to follow an MLS team as well, as the quality of soccer is legitimately improving every year, but you don’t need my help picking an MLS team as you have plenty of geographic and or matri/patrilineal landmarks to guide you.
Safe harbour statement #3: As mentioned above, the quality of soccer in Spain, Germany and (sometimes) Italy is also incredibly good, and for those of you who follow teams in those leagues fear not as I watch those as well and am more than happy to discuss [on Twitter]…
buttttttttttttttttttttt I am only one man so for the purposes of this article I’m going to stick to…
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BARSTOOL’S GUIDE TO PICKING AN EPL CLUB
“Time to pick a team! Yay, so exciting! So many options to choose from!”
Welllllllll, not so fast. Let’s be serious, if you are reading this right now and are not already tied to a particular team then chances are you will want to pick a team that will occasionally win a game or two. That fact alone eliminates a lot of clubs because, much as I’d respect the hell out of anybody who becomes an avid fan of Watford or Sunderland, few people are going to go out of their way to pick a club that has a real and present chance of getting relegated at the end of the season (following a team in the Championship is, after all, a difficult task… ask Fulham fans). I’m not a big fan of making analogies to American clubs/sports, but will do so every now and again in this post in case it makes picking an EPL team a little easier, and willingly becoming a fan of a club like Watford or Sunderland would basically be like becoming an NFL fan and choosing the Cleveland Browns as your team. Who does that? Answer: nobody.
Anyway, I’m not the boss of you so you are free to choose one of the following clubs to be “yours” but just know that you are in for a long season ahead…
RELEGEATION CONTENDERS
These teams are at high risk of getting sent back to the Championship next spring, and there is nothing quite as painful as watching your team finish bottom three and facing the drop. If you do know somebody who decides to pick one of these teams, do that person a favor and book them an appointment with a psychiatrist who has experience in dealing with “cutters” (aka self-harmers). The rest of you can cross the following teams off your list of candidates: WATFORD, WEST BROM, LESTER and SUNDERLAND – the last of which I legitimately considered graduating out of this category last season but did not, which looks to have been the right choice since (1) they aren’t looking much better this year and (2) the club is located in Sunderland, which is reputably the British equivalent of Galveston (ie, the country’s worst, saddest, most depressing city).
Apologies in advance to those of you – and I know there are a few – who are already fans of one of these clubs… condolences, but it is what it is.
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RELEGATION CONTENDERS-PLUS
ASTON VILLA has managed to barely avoided the drop for several years running and, despite some rumblings about potential signings of some good players (eg, Rudy Gestede and Jordan Veretout), they have not done too much to make the necessary upgrades to graduate from this group. That said, they have one of the cooler nicknames in the league (The Villans) and – for the moment anyway – American goalkeeper Brad Guzan between the pipes. Bonus fact: Villa is located in Birmingham the biggest, boringest city in Westeros and perhaps all of the Seven Kingdoms. That alone means the club probably would have been demoted into the “Relegation Contender” category if not for Guzan’s presence.
NORWICH is a fun team that likes to score goals… almost as much as they love conceding them. So if you like frenetic soccer that will usually involve balls going in nets (both of them) then this may be your squad. Bonus fact: perhaps an especially strategic choice for Green Bay Packers fans who could wear the same outfit all weekend.
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BOURNEMOUTH will be an interesting club to watch this season. They dominated the Championship last year with a team that has the makings of one that could, if the cards fall right, start to establish itself as one that may stick around the top flight for a while (a la a Crystal Palace). Bonus fact: they have one of the worst nicknames – the Cherries – that I’ve ever heard. So you’d have that going for you. Which is nice.
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MID-TABLE MUDDLERS
Next, we have clubs that are good enough to win some games, and if the stars and planets all align, could potentially push for a Europa League spot… but they have a zero-point-zero chance of threatening to win the league. If you do decide to pick one of these teams you will again earn nothing but my (and most soccer fans’) respect but know going in that year in and year out your boys will often end up playing for ties against the Chelsea’s and United’s of the league. To their credit though each club offers some unique features that might strike your fancy, such as…
NEWCASTLE is the club with a proud history that was once fighting for trophies every year with the United’s and Arsenal’s of the league back when they were led by talismanic captain Alan Shearer, who scored about a million goals for club (and country). A couple of seasons ago Newcastle had made a concerted push up the table, but ever since losing midfielder (and best player) Yohan Cabaye in the January 2014 transfer window the team has fallen apart at the seams. The departure of Alan Pardew was followed by an embarrassing collapse last season that ended with players quitting, a coach acting like children, an owner sounding like a buffoon and fans ready to fire everybody and start over. Bonus fact: if you are one of those look-good-feel-good types they have one of the more classic jerseys around – at least they did until they agreed to be sponsored by Wonga, whatever the hell that is.
SWANSEA is located in Wales making it the only non-English team in the Premiership this year. So if you like rebels and/or Welsh people (despite the fact that nobody – not even the bloody English – can understand what the hell they are saying, ever) then Swansea might be the team for you. The club is coming off a very impressive 8th place finish and has, for the second year running, made some impressive offseason acquisitions to improve the squad. Bonus fact: if you are a fan of insane people then perhaps this is the club for you because Jonjo Shelvey is not right in the head. The odds of him scoring a goal at any moment are roughly the same as the odds of him conceding an own goal and/or suddenly two-footing an opponent and getting sent off. Call him what you will, but he’s definitely not boring.
CRYSTAL PALACE is a club on the rise. Alan Pardew came over from Newcastle and helped the club cement its first top half finish in god knows how long last year. Add to that form the signing of Yohan Cabaye from PSG and the Eagles are on a strong trajectory at the moment. Bonus fact: Cheerleaders.
STOKE had spent years carefully, perhaps even meticulously earning the distinction of being known throughout the world for playing the ugliest brand of soccer known to mankind. They kicked, they chased, they hacked, they defended… and yet they managed to finish mid-table every single season. Fact: if David Stern were running the EPL, he would have made damn sure that Danny Crawford & Co. did whatever it’d take to get Stoke relegated five seasons ago. That was then and this is now though as the club spent the last two summer transfer windows moving away from that atrocious brand of soccer by bringing in all sorts of new talent that may mean a whole new style will be on display this season at the Britannia Stadium. Bonus fact: The club also employs the services of American defender Geoff Cameron.
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WEST HAM was a serious relegation contender two years ago but managed to sneak out of the danger zone and made a return to mediocrity last season. They have again made some important signings, not least of which was new manager Slaven Bilic. Also on the roster is American Sebastian Lletget, who at age 22 is an up-and-coming wing midfielder but has struggled to see the field since joining the team in 2010. Bonus fact: by rooting for West Ham you would be (tangentially) associating yourself with the Green Street Hooligans of Elijah Wood movie lore, which is in fact a fictional group based on the machinations of the Inter City Firm, one of the more infamous groups of European soccer hooligans.
SOUTHAMPTON has been one of the biggest overachievers in the league for two seasons in a row now (8th and 7th place finishes), which is a credit to their solid youth system, tendency to spend wisely and an impressive job by manager Ronald Koeman. Unfortunately, the club is nonetheless stuck in a perpetual state of flux because big clubs tend to poach a lot of their talent – and some of their garbage (amirite, Liverpoo fans??) – as soon as they start to flourish. Bonus fact: club has been a real up-and-comer these past few years but a word of warning is that their participation in the Europe League has all the makings of a season-killer in much the same way it was for Everton last year.
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LEGITIMATE CANDIDATES
We’ve whittled our way down to teams that have more or less firmly established themselves in the top half of the 20-team EPL table year in and year out, and will likely be among the top candidates you end up considering both because they are apt to win a lot of games and because NBC and NBC Sports (as well as FOX for Champions League) usually focus much of their coverage on them. As such, I’ll start taking a slightly more detailed look at each team to give you a little more flavor of what you’d be getting into. The nice thing about picking one of these teams is that you will NOT have to deal with people giving you shit about picking a front-runner. On the flipside, the chances your team competes for the league title this year are prettyyyyyyyyy small. (Note: odds to win this year’s EPL title are in parentheses. The teams above all have odds of 500/1 or higher and if anybody wants to lay some money on them let me know because I’ll happily take your moneys… please note there is a $50 minimum.)
EVERTON (250/1): if Roberto Martinez could call a do-over for the 2014-15 season he absolutely would have. After going up 2-0 on Arsenal early in the first half during the first few weeks of the season, things were all downhill from there as the club only managed a draw in that game and followed it up with waaaaaay more losses than a club with that much talent (and money invested) should. People talk a lot about the distraction of the Europe League, and this clubs performance was a shining example of that last year. Even so, the club has a ton of young talent with the likes of Ross Barkley, John Stones and Romelu Lukaku (among many others), and are looking for a serious bounce-back season. Also, Tim Howard. Tim Howard, Tim Howard, Tim Howard. TimHowardTimHowardTimHoward.
Key players: Howard (GK); Stones (D); Barkley (M); Lukaku (F)
Biggest rival: Liverpool
Notable fans: John McEnroe; Dame Judi Dench; Riddick Bowe; Sylvester Stallone;
Bonus fact: Know going on though that Everton’s crosstown arch-rival is Liverpool, so depending upon your feelings about Big Cat and/or Feitelberg (long-time/big-time Liverpool FC fans) that could be a big draw or a reason to shy away.
TOTTENHAM (100/1): Not a club for the faint of heart. They were a borderline contender for the league title as recently as three – yes just THREE – years ago with players like Gareth Bale and Luka Modric roaming the midfield. Those two have been sold off (both to Real Madrid), bringing a buttload of cash that has thus far been spent atrociously. That said, the emergence of Harry Kane gives the club some hope, and Mauricio Pochettino has made some nice signings in the offseason… though likely not quite enough at this point to push for a Champions League, if we’re being honest. Another striker (I’m looking at you WBA’s Saido Berahino) and the situation would look a bit different, but don’t hold your breath for owner Daniel Levy* to open the purse strings.
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*intended as fact, not anti-Semitic
Key players: Hugo Lloris (GK); Toby Alderweireld (D), Christian Eriksen (M); Harry Kane (F)
Biggest rival: Arsenal; Chelsea; fate
Notable fans: Billy Beane; Pierce Brosnan (bad Bond); Phil Collins; JK Rowling; Steve Nash; Jude Law; Sam’s Army
Bonus fact: fans are collectively known as the Yid Army (long story but, yes, it does relate to Judaism – or Jewishness?) so you could decide to support them simply for the jokes… unfortunately the joke would be on you, however, because the team has been “this close” to breaking into the ranks of “legitimate title contenders” for years without ever really doing so. Plus they recently missed out on Champions League football not one but two seasons in a row in heart-breaking fashion. So know going in that rooting for the Spurs can be an emotionally trying endeavor.
LIVERPOOL (25/1): The good news is that the team is one year removed from one of their best finished (2nd place) in a long time. The bad news is that Luis Suarez aint walking through that door. As bad as Spurs spent the Gareth Bale money, Liverpool did even worse with the Suarez money last year, signing players Mario Balotelli, Rickie Lambert and Dejan Lovren. This summer the club has done much, MUCH better for itself though and, if Daniel Sturridge can get healthy – a BIG if – they could potentially push for a Champions League spot.
Key players: Simon Mignolet (GK); Nathaniel Clyne (D); Philippe Coutinho (M); Jordan Henderson (M) Sturridge (F); Daniel Katz; John Feitelberg
Biggest rival: Everton; United
Notable fans: Nelson Mandella (RIP); Elvis Costello; Dr. Dre; Mike Myers; Liam Neeson; Daniel Craig (blond Bondshell); Caroline Wozniacki; Lebron James (part-owner)
Bonus fact: Big Cat and Feitelberg are the respective heart and soul of the club. If you want to roll with them then you should roll with Liverpool.
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LEGITIMATE CONTENDERS
These teams are called the Big Four right now for a reason, and that reason is that if they don’t win the league title then the season was a complete and utter failure. So the good news is that picking them means you are setting yourself up to enjoy a lot of winning this season, and for many seasons to come. The bad news is that picking one of these teams means you will inevitably be on the receiving end of some ribbing for picking a frontrunner – similar to somebody who comes to America and decides to be a Yankee or Cowboys or Lakers fan (well, maybe not this season, but hopefully you get my drift).
MANCHESTER UNITED (5/1): only one year removed from their worst seasons in recent memory, Louis Van Gaal has restocked and retooled the club, and is looking to make a serious run at the league title. Rooting for United means you will always have a chance to win titles because they have more money than god and lovvvvvvve to spend it.
Key players: David de Gea (GK); Juan Mata (M); Bastian Schweinsteiger (M); Memphis Depay (M); Wayne Rooney (F)
Biggest rivals: City; Liverpool
Notable fans: Russell Crowe; Roger Moore (shitty Bond); Sean Connery (best Bond); Usain Bolt; Victoria Beckham; Than Shwe (Commander in Chief of Burmese Military Junta)
Bonus fact: there are TONS of United fans in the U.S., both because they have been so good for so long and have thus received more TV exposure here than any other club, but also because they were the first to do some cross-marketing deals with U.S. companies/teams (including one with Steinbrenner’s Yankees back in the day, appropriately enough). As such, finding a local watering hole that is full of fellow United fans come game time is never very difficult.
ARSENAL (6/1): the Gunners always plays an exciting, attacking style that is easy on the eyes, and is perhaps the closest thing that the EPL has to the tiki-taka play of Barrrrrrrrrthelona. What’s more, the club are always been in the mix for the league title, and finished strong in the latter portion of last season giving their fans reason for optimism that 2015-16 might be one in which they can legitimately contend for a trophy… and by title I obviously mean the FA Cup. As for the EPL and (especially) Champions League, unless or until manager Arsene Wenger gives up his fetish with bite-sized midfielders and signs a take-no-prisoners holding midfielder and another striker, there is a good chance they are going to struggle a bit.
Key players: Peter Cech (GK); Laurent Koscielny (D), Santi Cazorla (M), Sanchez (M/F); Olivier Giroud (F)
Biggest rivals: Tottenham; Chelsea
Notable fans: Queen Elizabeth and Prince Harry; Demi Moore; Keanu Reeves; Puff Daddy/Diddy/Whatever; Mick Jagger; Piers Morgan; Luol Deng
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Bonus fact: despite last year’s big money signing of Alexis Sanchez, Arsenal is not thought of as having historically gone out and “bought” its success – an accusation that is always levels at the Manchester clubs and (especially) Chelsea – which is a tribute to Wenger’s ability to identify good young talent to buy for cheap before they explode onto the world stage and get hugely expensive.
MANCHESTER CITY (11/4): was for many years United’s dedicated whipping boy. City has been the “other” Manchester team for so long that most Americans probably still think of them that even after they’ve now won the EPL two out of the last three seasons. Things changed, and changed quickly for City after it was bought by a Middle Eastern sheikh in 2009, who immediately injected massive sums of money into the team, which has established them firmly among the league favorites year in and year out. As a result, the club (along with Chelsea) is thought of as being a “new money” team, which is ironic given how long City toiled as the unloved, underfunded little brother of United. As noted, the Cityzens won the title two seasons ago and – despite serious questions about the motivation of talismanic midfielder Yaya Toure – they hope to be in the mix to repeat again this year… to which I offer a haughty “TBD”.
Key players: Joe Hart (GK); David Silva (M); Yaya Toure (M); Raheem Sterling (M); Sergio Aguero (F)
Biggest rival: United
Notable fans: Ricky Hatton; Gallagher brothers (Oasis); Timothy Dalton (shitty Bond); Aaron Rodgers
Bonus fact: City owns New York City FC, the recent addition to MLS, so any newly minted soccer fans in the metro region could easily pull a twofer by becoming a fan of NYCFC and selecting City as your EPL team.
CHELSEA (3/2): textbook example of a club that has been transformed by a new owner with incredibly deep pockets who is not shy about spending ridiculous sums of money to win. Roman Abramovich is a Russian oligarch who amassed a fortune through questionable means and, after buying the West London club in 2003, immediately set about buying up players left and right. Chelsea was far and away the best club in the league last season, all but wrapping up the league title by January – though it pooped itself in the Champions League yet again, which definitely didn’t sit well with fans. Coach Jose Mourinho – who nicknamed himself “The Special One” – is about to start year three of his second stint with the club, and fans (who love him more than their wives) have high hopes for the season, and rightfully so given last year’s performance.
Key players: Mourinho (C); John Terry (D); Eden Hazard (M); Oscar (M); Fabregas (M); Costa (F)
Biggest rival: Arsenal; Tottenham
Notable fans: Michael Caine; Simon Pegg; Sienna Miller; Will Ferrell; Billy Idol; Martin Tyler; Gordon Ramsey; Bill Clinton; Kevin Garnett
Bonus fact: John Terry is a damn good soccer player and has been the lynchpin of Chelsea’s (and England’s) defense for the past decade, but if you are looking for the bad boy of English soccer you need not look much further. Aside from an episode in which he allegedly got drunk and made 9/11 jokes at a Heathrow airport bar on September 12th (which may or may not have gotten blown out of proportion), Terry has gotten himself wrapped up in all sorts of controversies, including allegations that he has racially abused opponents and an almost-definitely-happened situation where he got caught out for banging the girlfriend of one of his Chelsea and England teammates. Solid work all around.
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So there it is. If you can’t pick an EPL team to support based on the info contained herein you never will. I’ll be back with a (muuuuuuuuuuch shorter) season preview sometime next week. In the meantime, don’t miss me too much.
Holler,
Sam U.L. Army