Pros & Cons: Reintroducing Wolves to New York City

John Rich10/06/2022 3:10 PM

Giphy Images.

This is long, but I tried hard.

My freshman year of college, I did something called GeoJourney. It was a program offered at Bowling Green State University, where we took 16 credit hours worth of classes while traveling the country. Roughly 30 of us piled into two fifteen-passenger shuttle busses, and did a full lap around the United States.

Along the way, we stopped at roughly 20 different National Parks. At the parks we took classes like Environmental Studies, Geology, and American Culture Studies. It was a phenomenal experience.

On the way back west, we stopped at Yellowstone for a few days. While at Yellowstone, we learned about wolves. Wolves in Yellowstone have been a point of contention for over a century. In the early 1900's, wolves were eradicated from the park.

Long story short - wolves were considered "undesirable predators". They would frequently kill domesticated livestock, and cause problems for those who lived in the area. However, once they were eradicated, other problems arose. I'll spare you the details (because I was only half paying attention when I learned them), but among other things, the deer and elk population grew out of control because there were no wolves to keep them in check. In 1995, Yellowstone decided to reintroduce wolves to the park (transported from Canada). The goal was to return Yellowstone's ecosystem back to its natural state.

There is plenty more to the story, but that's the gist of it. If you're interested in learning more about the wolves situation in Yellowstone, I found an article detailing the Pro's and Con's of Wolf Reintroduction.

I thought about this the other week when recording the Rundown. There was a story about a woman who accidentally hunted a husky dog because she thought it was a wolf. It was a tragic story, and it ruined my week. She said she was trying to "eliminate a harmful predator". I'm not going to link the story, but it's not hard to find.

But are wolves really a predator we should be eliminating? Wolves weren't only displaced in Yellowstone. There are other areas of the country where wolves used to roam, but have since been chased off by the ultimate predators - humans. One of those places is New York City. At least according to a sentence I found in this article after scouring the internet for a while.

Before bankers and club kids, Manhattan had grey wolves - John Metcalfe, Bloomberg

Case closed. Turns out, Manhattan is another area of the country where humans forced out grey wolves for their own selfish reasons. But was that really a good thing? Perhaps we should consider reintroducing wolves to New York City. Let's explore that idea with a Pros and Cons list.

Pros & Cons of Reintroducing Wolves to New York City

PRO: Controlling the Homeless Population

The homeless situation in New York City is nothing short of catastrophic. Hell's Kitchen in particular has turned into a vagabond's paradise. According to this article, children now more than ever are seeking trauma therapy due to the vagrants they see on their way to and from school every day. This begs the question, have city kids between the ages of 7-12 gone soft? Mothers say no. It's the homeless who have gotten scarier. No they're not dressed as ghouls. No they're not shouting BOO! as they pop out from behind corners or haunting the schoolyard from beyond the grave. They are shooting paint thinner into their arm veins in broad daylight and being dead on benches.

A pack of wolves roaming Hell's Kitchen will surely shepherd the homeless away from the main streets where children walk to school. It will banish them to the sad, dark, and lonely corners of the city that are more appropriate for un-homed individuals.

CON: Controlling the Non-Homeless Population

Unfortunately, there is no reason to believe the wolves will not simply eat the non-homeless people instead. Say what you will about the homeless, but they have survival skills. Much better survival skills than those of middle-class families.

Wolves do not discriminate. If they did, then they would probably favor snacking on the father of 2 with 55% percent body fat, who eats a strict diet of red meat and potatoes. Or they would lust for the tender, less aggressive flavors of children - i.e. human veal.

Of course, there will be times when the wolves would crave a death-adjacent homeless man as a quick easy meal, akin to when we have a craving for McDonald's or The Cheesecake Factory. But the sophisticated wolves, the silk-stocking wolves, will hunt down the well-fed families on their Friday evening stroll to the ice cream parlor - i.e. the Morton's Steakhouse of person-meat

PRO: Wolf Friends

If wolves want to assimilate into the culture of the city, they won't be able to do it alone. If they're smart (which they are), they will learn to work with people. Wolves are capable of survival on their own, but their ambition far-exceeds simply surviving. They want to grow the wolf community. They want it to flourish. Wolves will never be able to realize their full potential without the help of humans. Those who play their cards right will gain access to the wolf community, and will have an abundance of wolf friends.

Pretty fucking cool.

CON: Wolfsburg

Except it's NOT cool.

Not everyone will be blessed with a wolf friend. Only a very small portion of the human population will find themselves in the wolves' good graces. Even those who do, sadly, will not be calling the shots. They will have little to no control over the wolves. They will be at the wolves mercy. By the time wolves have been reintroduced, Democrats will have fully outlawed guns in New York City. Even carrying a concealed knife will get you 5-10 years at Riker's Island. Unless you are able to fight off a pack of wolves with your barehands, you will have zero protection.

With help from the humans they have manipulated through a combination of fear and cunning, packs of wolves will combine to form an apolitical super-pack, and lay claim to 9th avenue from the Lincoln Tunnel, all the way up to 49th street. This area of the city will be known as Wolfsburg. Wolfsburg will soon become a sovereign state, where the laws of our country do not apply. Any human who lays foot in Wolfsburg without the proper wolf-credentials will be devoured on the spot - yum.

Best case scenario, the wolves will use them as errand-boys, and send them out into the city to execute tasks that require opposable thumbs. Exploding tracking devices will be planted inside of the errand-boys, and will be detonated if they do not return to Wolfburg within their allotted errand-time. These errand-boys will be kept in small cages. They will have a miserable existence (unless they get off on that sort of thing).

Flag of Wolfsburg

PRO: Race Relations

Wolves will instantly become public enemy #1 and racial tensions will simmer. Differences in skin color and religious beliefs will pale in comparison to the differences between human beings and the blood thirsty wolves who are attempting to overthrow the epicenter of human civilization.

CON: Wolf Media Takeover

As wolves gain status in the city, they will begin buying advertisements to push their wolf agenda. The commercials will be insufferable. They will feature 30-60 seconds of howling, while a wolf mother tends to her pups in the background in an effort to convince us they are sweet and loving.

M L. Unsplash Images.

Wolves will then purchase Clay Travis' media company and rename it Out-Wolf The Coverage. It will compete directly with Barstool Sports. They let Clay Travis keep his silly little gambling show but behind his back they snicker at his stupid fucking bits and trapezoid shaped head. Eventually, Penn National will cut ties with Barstool then turn their casinos and sports books over to the wolves. I will be out of a job. Rone & Lil Sas will begin pushing a pro-wolf narrative on Son Of A Boy Dad in hopes of getting picked up by Out-Wolf. They will get called in for an interview, but it will be a trap. The wolves will serve Rone & Lil Sas sliders at their inaugural Wolf Podcast Upfronts.

PRO: Resurgence of the Bronx

Wolfsburg will start in Hell's Kitchen, and gradually expand outward. Neighborhoods outside of Wolfsburg will undergo wolfrification - the gradual takeover of wolves, and systematic displacement of people. As Midtown and Chelsea are wolfified, human families will migrate north to the Bronx. The Bronx will become the center of human New York. But the families who live there currently will not be displaced. Affluent families who have fled Manhattan will take shelter in Yankee Stadium.

Yankee Stadium will turn into a refugee camp, but it won't be sad. It will be one long festival. The Grateful Dead, and Widespread Panic (that's 2 blogs in a row with a Widespread Panic reference) will perform day & night. Nobody will ever get tired of them. Yankee Stadium will become the new Mecca, as the Wolves will have turned Madison Square Garden into a late-night howling den. Yankee Stadium will be the symbol of a wolf-free America. A symbol of peace, love, and human-kindness. A reminder of how the world could be if we quit with the inner-species fighting, and focused all of our negative energy towards the wolves.

CON: Big Bad Wolves

It's only a matter of time before the Big Bad Wolf rears his ugly head. You remember the story of the Big Bad Wolf. He infiltrated the home of Little Red Riding Hood's Granny. After eating Granny, he disguised himself as Granny by dressing in her clothes. When Little Red Riding Hood came to visit, she mistook the wolf for her Granny, and the Big Bad Wolf ate Little Red Riding Hood.

Most wolves are capable of this.

One Saturday morning, as Widespread Panic is wrapping up a 57 minute guitar solo, they will call a special guest to the stage. The special guest will be Ariana Grande. The crowd will go wild. After months upon months of nothing but the Grateful Dead and Widespread Panic (which everyone is still very much enjoying), Ariana Grande will be a nice change of pace. When she begins to sing, her voice will be even more beatiful than we remember. She'll tilt her head back and sing to the moon, hitting higher notes than we thought her capable of, and holding the notes for even longer periods of time. As she sings, the audience will marvel at what big beautiful teeth she has. They'll be in awe of her big beautiful ears, and wide yellow eyes. All of the sudden, the high notes at the end of God Is A Woman turn sinister. Ariana Grande begins to howl. The crowd comes to the terrifying realization that the gorgeous young singer on stage is not a gorgeous young singer at all - It's a Big Bad Wolf

Screams of terror ring throughout Yankee stadium. As the audience flees for the exits, more wolves begin to reveal themselves. An entire pack of wolves has infiltrated the stadium disguised as vegan beer vendors. It's a blood bath. The wolves close off the exits. Nobody can escape. Nobody in Yankee Stadium fights back. Months of peace and love and jam band music has turned New Yorkers into the most enormous, cavernous pussies you have even seen. A level of pussy that would make myself look like Pat Tillman.

The wolves begin tying people to the bleachers - they're saving them for later. They begin to let more and more wolves into the stadium. It's an overthrow - a wolves coup d'état of Yankee Stadium. The festival that was once a utopia of peace, love, and kindness, has turned into a violent nu metal rager. The wolves hold the Grateful Dead & Widespread Panic at gunpoint (the wolves found guns), and force them to play the songs of Korn and P.O.D.

The festival turns into Wolfstock 2030. The wolves form a mosh pit that lasts 30 days and 30 nights. Wolf vendors set up tents and sell living humans as snacks. The concert doesn't end until all of the people within Yankee Stadium have been eaten by the wolves. Human remains scatter the ground as Yankee Stadium transforms into the Wolfsburg City Capital. The woflification of New York City is complete. Wolfsburg becomes the premier world power.

The incident marks the beginning of World War Wolf

PRO: World War Wolf Stimulates the Economy

As with any war, World War Wolf will stimulate the economy, which had only gotten worse since 2025 when it was discovered that COVID-19 was a lie perpetrated by the Obama family to (reader's choice). Hundreds of thousands of jobs will be created in the Animal Control industry. Elon Musk will buy Petco, and it will ascend to the top of the Fortune 500 Companies List, due to a newly invented wolf repellant. The Dog Whisperer Cesar Milan will rise to power. We will forgo the presidential election, name Cesar Milan the King of America, and live under authoritarian rule.

Our military will train under King Cesar, learning the newest-cutting edge dog/wolf training techniques, to give us a leg up on the wolves. Despite heavy opposition from Joe Biden (who is still alive and suggests we remedy the wolves situation by taking a series of vaccinations), King Cesar is able to get automatic weapons back on the streets and into the thumbed hands of every red-blooded American with zero firearms training. The guns will have the safeties removed.

CON: Joe Rogan

Amongst the traitors who will betray the human race and pledge their allegiance to Wolfsburg, is none other than Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan has long considered wolves the superior species, and immediately welcomes our wolf overlords. Rogan is able to gives the wolves a voice. He speaks for the wolves. He podcasts of a better world where wolves are the premier species, and humans live to serve the wolf. Joe Rogan introduces the wolves to Onnit Alpha BRAIN Supplements, and before long they are able to communicate with him using a complex language - a combination of howls, sign language, and morse code. We come to learn that the wolves feel as if us humans do not pay proper respect to the moon. That we insult the moon by retreating into our homes at night. Taunting the moon by emerging from our homes the minute the evil sun rises in the sky. They believe it is time for the moon to get its revenge. The wolves are but descendants of the moon. They do the moon's bidding.

PRO: SpaceX Finally Does Something Useful

Elon Musk, now owner of Twitter, holds a secret humans only Twitter Space (wolves haven't figured out Twitter yet). Twitter Spaces have become where all important human business is conducted. Musk reveals that he owns 100 miles of real estate in the form of a bunker beneath Long Island. In this bunker, Musk has been building a fleet of rocket ships. SpaceX has thousands of rocket ships, all of which are capable of reaching the moon.

Giphy Images.

Musk details his plan. If the wolves love the moon so much, then why don't they marry it? Why don't they go there. Unfortunately, the wolves would never listen to such reason, so we set a trap. We invite the entire country of Canada to Long Island for an impromptu hockey tournament. The country accepts, and millions of Canadians make the pilgrimage to Long Island. When the Canadians arrive, we inform them that the hockey tournament will be played underground. We lure them to Elon Musk's bunker. We tell the Canadians that before the first game, Tim Hortons will be hosting a be a tournament wide breakfast in a series of secret underground locations. We disguise the rocket ships as Tim Horton's, and the Canadians pile inside.

While Canada politely waits for breakfast to be served, we send a message to the wolves. We have a peace offering for them - a buffet of unguarded Canadian's. Joe Rogan warns the wolves that it is likely not what it seems, but they can't contain themselves. Canadians are a wolves delicacy. Canada is the homeland of wolves. Their ancestors date back to Canada thousands of years.. A buffet of Canadians is a reminder of home, and is simply too good of a treat to pass up.

All the wolves in New York City stop what they're doing, and make a beeline for Long Island. Ceaser Milan and the United States Military (which is now one large platoon of dog whispers) guide the wolves to the bunker. The wolves are skeptical, but thanks to Cesar Milan's Comprehensive Fundamentals of Dog Behavior & Training Techniques, we convince the wolves that it is not a trap, and that we simply wish for peace between man and wolf.

The wolves enter the bunker, where the Canadians wait patiently in their hockey gear for their breakfast of Timbits. All at once, the Wolves descend upon the Canadians. It is the largest genocide the world has ever seen. It makes the Holocaust look like a squirt gun fight.

As the wolves feast upon the impossibly gullible Canadians, the lid to the bunker that is Long Island slides open like a retractable roof. The wolves are too busy feasting on delicious Canadians to realize what is happening. Musk, while live on a Twitter Space, hits a big red button. The doors of the rockets close. The wolves are trapped inside. The rockets ignite, and we blast the wolves to the moon. The plan works. The wolves are gone. Wolfsburg is nothing but a vast wasteland of wolf shit and human bones. Elon Musk saved the world. World War Wolf has come to a close.

CON: 10 Years of Depression

The end of World War Wolf leaves our country in shambles. Humans forget how to exist on their own. We don't know how to live without an overarching fear of the wolf. In many ways, the wolves brought us closer together. America was already in shambles before the wolves came. The wolves provided a common enemy. They were someone to point the finger at. Someone to blame our problems on. Without the wolves, humans began to turn on each other once again.

Democracy is no more. Cesar Milan, still King of America, becomes drunk with power. He refuses to relinquish his throne. He lights the constitution on fire in a drug-induced fit of rage. He forces Americans to wear identification tags on collars around their necks. He abolishis modern currency, and replaces the US dollar with a treat-based rewards system. He eradicates the Bill of Rights, and replaces it with a list of 7 commands - sit, stay, down, come, off, heel, and no.

King Cesar unveils a plan to demolish every apartment building in Manhattan, and replace them with open grass fields. In many ways, he's just as bad (if not worse) than the wolves.

King Cesar, who has long been a college football fan, forces himself onto ESPN's College Gameday panel. College Football is one of the few things American's have left. In the final week of the regular season, College Gameday pays a visit to Columbus, Ohio for Ohio State vs Michigan. As always, the panelists give their picks at the end of the show. In a surprise pick, a 104-year old Lee Corso, who is on stage in a hospital bed hooked up to a ventilator, chooses Ohio State to upset Michigan as 10-point underdogs. The crowd goes wild. King Cesar jokes with Corso. He can't believe he would pick against the Lebron James led Michigan Wolverines. The two share a laugh. Despite the entire nation being against him, Corso has always been kind to King Cesar. Cesar considers Lee Corso to be his most loyal friend.

As the show wraps up, Corso waves to the crowd in his Brutus the Buckeye Mascot head. When Cesar turns his back to Corso in a heroic act of betrayal, Corso pulls a dagger out from behind his pillow, and stabs King Cesar in the back of the neck. He stabs and he stabs and he stabs. Bright red blood flows from King Cesar's neck. Cesar turns to Corso and looks at him in disbelief. He can't believe what his most loyal friend has done to him. A mixture of cheers and screams come from the crowd. King Cesar's eyes close for the final time. The camera pans to Lee Corso on stage in his hospital bed, attached to a ventilator, wearing a Brutus the Buckeye mascot head. He has assassinated King Cesar.

PRO: America is BACK!

Giphy Images.

Now that King Cesar is gone, the healing can begin. America holds their first presidential election in over a decade. Joe Biden (also still alive) defeats Republican Candidate Hershel Walker by the widest margin in election history.

Lee Corso is named Time Magazine Person Of The Century.

We erect a 20-story tall statue of a wolf hanging from a noose in the heart of where Hell's Kitchen used to be. It is a constant reminder that wolves are not cute, and they should be killed on the spot. We re-name the area God's Restroom.

Canada is turned into one giant ski resort, free for Americans to visit year-round.

Elon Musk's underground bunker beneath Long Island becomes the National SpaceX Headquarters. By 2055, Musk hopes to colonize Mars.

The Yankees host the Boston Red Sox to open the 2042 regular season. Phish plays a 24-hour long concert leading up to the game to honor the Grateful Dead & Widespread Panic, who were eaten on stage for the finale of Wolfstock 2030.

Elon Musk throws out the first pitch - it's a strike, right down the middle.

Joe Rogan has never been seen again.

CON: Colonization of The Moon

In a bizarre turn of events, when the wolves reach the moon, they do not die instantly. They exit the rocket ship to copious amounts of greenery, lush flowing rivers filled to the brim with salmon, and an abundance of deer and elk. The moon has decided to bless the wolves with the necessary oxygen and wildlife for them to thrive. The moon is only unlivable for us, because we have been disrespecting it for all these years. For the wolves, the moon is heaven.

Stepping off the rocket ship along with the wolves is none other than Joe Rogan. At the last minute, Rogan decided to follow the wolves to Long Island to feast on the buffet of Canadians. After so much time spent with the wolves, Rogan had developed the hunger. He too could not resist America's tasty false promise.

Joe Rogan and the wolves build a home on the moon. They dine on deer, elk, moose, bison, and all of the delicious animals the moon provides for them. But they are far from satisfied. They are incensed that the American people lied to them. All they ever wanted to do is show humans the error of their ways. That the moon is not to be hidden from, but should be celebrated. As the wolves adjust to life on the moon, they plot their revenge. They WILL NOT let the humans get away with this. Joe Rogan tears down trees with his bare hands, and uses them to build a compound. At the compound, Rogan hosts a series of wolf orgies. The wolves are multiplying. The wolves are getting smarter. When the time is right, they will have their revenge.