Woman Goes Viral On TikTok Because A Giant Whale Dick Washed Up Next To Her On The Beach

I've always said the midwest kinda sucks from a wildlife perspective. We don't have any bad ass predators really. Sure we have coyotes and bobcats and shit like that but those are small fries in the predator world. A coyote would get it's face ripped off by a big dog and bobcats look like giant house cats. No alligators or bears or wolves that could swallow other animals whole. 

Australia is the opposite. They don't just have all sorts of dangerous animals, they have all sorts of well endowed animals too. Look no further than this giant whale dick that washed up on an Australian shore over the weekend:

That's a howitzer. I'm ashamed to admit this, but it's at least 3 or 4x bigger than my little guy. This is a safe space though, so I can. My question is this though - what did this whale do to his significant other to get his dick lopped off like that? Did he get caught running around with other whales? Did he get home at 3am with an empty bank account because he decided on an impromptu trip to the casino? Did he do nothing at all, yet still get his whale wang lopped off for no good reason because his whale broad was on one of her insane crazy person whale binges?

Nobody knows. Not even marine biologists:

Sucks for our whale guy though. He's gotta live the rest of his life as the dickless loser of his whale pod. The rest of his whale friends are gonna be ripping on him from now through the end of time. Call him names like "Theon Greyjoy" and shit like that. They'll ask him if he got laid over the weekend, snickering under their breath as if they don't already know the answer. Poor dude. That's not a fate I'd wish on my worst enemies. Not even Carl. 

PS - here's a sweet scene about whales from the doc "Our Planet". It's sweet, but whales are absolutely terrifying animals. The ocean and large bodies of water are beyond scary. If I never saw the ocean again I'd be cool with it. No thank you. Too endless for me. I'll stick to the couch, thank you.