Musical Terrorists Must Be Stopped
A video like this goes viral about once a week. I'm sure a handful of them are staged. I'm pretty certain that particular girl knows exactly what she's doing, and is willing to have the entire internet hate her in exchange for sweet sweet clicks. But people breaking out musical instruments in situations where unsuspecting citizens are trapped has become an epidemic.
The people who commit these acts are domestic terrorists. They might actually be worse than terrorists. At least traditional terrorists will do you the courtesy of ending your life, so that you don't have to live with the experience. Musical terrorists will torture you for hours, then you're forced to live the rest of your life with the memory of being beat over the head with Country Roads while trapped in a confined space. That leaves a permanent scar. Some people never recover. It ruins lives.
It's a problem that needs to be addressed. Every time one of these videos goes viral, people in the replies offer their own solutions.
"If I were in there, I would take her guitar and smash it over my knee."
"I would rip both my ears off with my bare hands."
"I would snap the necks of every person in the elevator to put us out of our misery."
Shut up. You're not going to do any of that, because you're a pussy. I'm guilty of making those comments as well, because I am also a pussy. Those types of comments are good for nothing more than a small endorphin rush worth of likes and retweets. If we want to enact change, we're going to need to take a different approach. The way I see it, there are 4 viable ways to go about doing so.
The first option is simple. You're not going to like the answer, but it would unequivocally, 100% put an end to these terrorists once and for all. All we have to do is not give them attention online. If these videos received no likes, retweets, or replies, then they would never get out to the masses. Interaction spreads bad videos like a disease. If nobody interacts, the videos die.
There's a second easy answer to this as well. If you ever find yourself in a musical hostage situation, then simply walk over to the terrorist, tap them on the shoulder and say, "Would you mind stopping, we're all miserable enough as it is, and your singing is making it worse for everyone." There is a 99% chance this person is also a pussy, and if you ask them to stop they will tuck their tail between their legs and shut the fuck up. Problem solved.
This next option would take a little more effort, but has the potential to be very satisfying. That of course is filing a lawsuit. My mom once got in a fender bender, and the other driver sued her for 'loss of enjoyment of life'. I think he claimed he had developed anxiety and couldn't drive anymore or something insane like that. I don't think he ended up getting any money out of my mom, but if there are lawyers out there taking 'loss of enjoyment of life' cases, I'm sure we can find a Saul Goodman type who will take the case of a person trapped by a musical terrorist.
"My client was trapped in a Megabus with a woman singing Sweet Caroline & playing the tambourine. He is no longer able to enjoy his life. My client now experiences violent seizures every time he hears a Neil Diamond song, and will never be able to set foot on a Megabus again. Traveling from Philadelphia to Baltimore for the price of a Chipotle burrito is no longer an option for him. What is he supposed to do with his Orioles season tickets? Take 2 hour Ubers? That's not an affordable option. etc. etc."
If just one of those lawsuits hit, word will spread around the mediocre musician community, and the bad music will stop.
Now that we got the boring ideas out of the way, it's time to get serious. Here's option 4. First off, we're going to need a legitimate music producer who's willing to play ball. I'm sure there's someone out there who hates these people as much as we do, so it shouldn't be that hard to find one. When we see one of these videos pop up, we'll have the producer reach out to them.
"Hello [terrorist's name],
I recently came across a video of you singing folk tunes while trapped in a Chilean mine with 33 other spelunkers. Us at 'The Big Record Label' love average musicians who aren't afraid to make people's bad days even worse. We want to sign you to a major enormous music contract that will make your wildest dreams come true. Please sign the attached PDF document to be a part of the 'The Big Record Label'.
Signed,
Scooter Braun
Since these people are such narcissists, they will sign the document immediately. Then we invite them to our music studio to record an original album. If they don't have enough songs for an album, we'll have some written for them. It doesn't matter. We just need to get them in the studio. It's not like they're going to say no.
What the artist won't know is that we'll have built a dungeon underneath the studio floor. As soon as they step foot in the studio, the floor will give out. I'm talking instantly. We CANNOT afford to risk hearing a second of their original music. They fall 10 about feet onto a hard dirt floor. Not far enough that they break anything, but far enough that they won't be able to climb out. They start to panic, "Omgggg noooo what's happeninggggg."
That's when a homeless man we paid to dress like the pope emerges from the shadows. "Do not fear, I'm not here to hurt you. You are exactly where you need to be. I am your musical sherpa. I have chosen you for a great quest. A quest that you must complete if you want to ascend to the top of the music charts. Jimi Hendrix, Freddie Mercury, Bob Marley, Lizzo, all of the greats have taken this quest…" The homeless man says some more wise things, lights a torch, and leads the artist down a tunnel.
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As they walk down the tunnel, the homeless man will speak mostly in riddles and proverbs. Again, the artist is such a raging narcissist that they will actually think they've been chosen for a special quest that is reserved for all-time great musicians. The tunnel will be about 80 miles long. Long enough that it will take them a good 24 hours to complete. At the end of the tunnel there will be another dungeon with another homeless man. The new homeless man leads them down another tunnel. This happens 2 or 3 more times until the artist is good and delusional (we'll make sure they don't die, but they'll be in rough shape).
After the final tunnel, the artist will come to a set of stairs. At the top of the stairs will be a big dramatic door. When they open the door, they're blinded by bright lights and loud music. It's a game show complete with a live studio audience. It's hosted by Steve Harvey. It's one of those Japanese game shows where nobody knows what the fuck is going on, and there's no real structure.
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At this point the artist won't even know what's real. That's when we hand them a "prop gun". We'll loosely point them in the direction of a target or something. I don't know, I haven't worked out all the details. Bottom line is we set them up for a classic Alec Baldwin.
"Oh no! You shot the midget in a flamingo costume! What have you done?!"
The crowd boos and hisses in Japanese. They pelt the artist with tomatoes. Real cops come in and take the artist to jail. There's a whole big trial. We'll set them up with a lawyer from The Big Record Label, but he'll be a terrible lawyer. He'll be drunk the whole time, and will negotiate an awful deal. The artist will end up getting the maximum sentence.
Luckily for us, the contract that that the artist blindly signed has language written in the fine print that prevents us from getting into any trouble. They'll have unknowingly agreed to the whole quest. When the artist eventually get out of prison, they'll be so scarred from the experience that they'll never pick up an instrument again.
Those are 4 viable options. Next time one of these videos surfaces, or someone on your plane starts playing a bassoon, instead of giving them the attention they want on the internet, let's take real action.