There Is A Blatant Lack Of Urinal Etiquette Which Is Currently Plaguing Society
Jetta Productions Inc. Getty Images.Society and civilization have been "advancing" for hundreds and hundreds of years at this point. However, that's really only on the surface level. I mean obviously you can make the case that technology, infrastructure, and medicine might be better today than they were 250 years ago. But when you take a peek under the hood, you could also make the claim that human beings have been regressing. At least in terms of etiquette. And in no area of life is that more abundantly clear than the men's public restrooms.
Last night I made it over to Citizens Bank Park for the Phillies game. Decent game to be at by the end of the night, but the start of my night was borderline catastrophic. I had to use the little boys room upon entering the stadium, and it was sparsely populated considering how early in the game it was. Now obviously if you have to tinkle between the 4th and 5th innings, for example, the men's bathroom is packed and every urinal is currently in use. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever. But before the first pitch is thrown? There are likely to be at least 7 or 8 different urinals all open for business. Which was the case yesterday.
Now when you're using a public bathroom and there are multiple urinals open, it's just common sense and common courtesy to leave the singular gap urinal between yourself and another dude rocking a piss.
Fuse. Getty Images.Leaving that gap urinal open tells the person next to you that you're not a psychopath. When it's just a few of you in the bathroom, it's a little more…intimate of a setting. And you don't need your cock and balls to be dangling that closely to a stranger's. Using that gap urinal is the perfect amount of a buffer to make everyone cool with the situation. One of the most violent offenses you can make to break the code is to choose the urinal directly next to someone if you have that gap urinal available. I think we can all agree on that.
HOWEVA…
That wasn't the offense that I witnessed yesterday. Because while the guy who pisses directly next to you when there's another urinal available might be a psychopath, it takes a truly sadistic bastard to pull the move that I saw yesterday. Like I said, there were a decent amount of urinals open at the time. Not an abundance, but enough that everybody could comfortably piss in every other urinal. Until this sick bastard came in and decided he was going to skip two.
Andy Sacks. Getty Images.Are you fucking kidding me? Do you have any idea the amount of havoc this son of a bitch just created?
What makes this move infinitely worse than just pissing directly next to somebody is that it now places that decision on the next guy to come in. He then needs to decide if he's going to the left, or to the right. But either way, he needs to decide which guy he's about to have his hog about 8 inches away. A decision that could potentially haunt you for the rest of your life.
Once the bathroom fills up a little bit and you can no longer go with the gap urinal, that decision is already made up for him. He just takes the urinal in the middle and that's the way life goes. But when you force him to make that decision because you're the fucking asshole who thought you could skip two urinals? Unbelievably selfish. And because you skipped two urinals, that throws off everything for the rest of the night. Now that 2-urinal gap is going to be there even when you leave because you threw off the rotation.
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If you see something, say something. I couldn't just allow this appalling behavior to go unchecked or unnoticed. If it could happen to me, it could happen to you. Which is why we desperately need to make everybody go through an updated course on urinal etiquette. Skip a urinal when available, but never skip more than one. Don't pull your pants down to your ankle like a child, try your best to make all your piss go into the urinal instead of splashing all over the wall, and an extra touch of class is to leave the door open to the stall if you're just going in there to piss. That way people don't think you're taking a shit and it won't be open for the next 10 minutes.