The Barstool All Stars Are Playing For $100,000: Breaking Down The Cast Of The New Season Of "Surviving Barstool"

Nate9/21/2023 8:40 PM

First things first, elephant in the room: I should be on this. Doing an "All Stars" season of Surviving Barstool without the DAWG is a huge miss. I know I don't have the big social following like these fellas, but take this cast and add me and Smitty, it's a no-brainer. Even before I knew the prize was $100k I asked to be on it, but as a company man I'll simply do my best to support the show regardless. I asked several members of this cast to blog their thoughts on their future enemies and they all told me they were too busy but I guess if you want something done right you do it yourself. So I will give my thoughts on each player, what their gameplay could be or should be, and their chances of winning:

Dave "The Money Doesn't Matter" Portnoy - Dave is the most interesting player in this field for so many reasons. First off, he's already rich so he's an easy target as someone to vote off because he doesn't need the money. But that's also a reason to keep him around- will a jury give someone worth mid-9 figs the $100,000 win? He might be someone you want to sit next to in the end. Dave can also use his power as the boss against players like Tommy and Rico. "If you vote for me you're fired" is -1000 to be said at some point. Where is the grey area when it comes to Dave being the boss vs gameplay? How much does it bleed over into the game? And can he fire Rico if Rico votes for him? It's going to be a very fascinating power dynamic at play.

Dan "Big Cat" Cat - Like Dave, Big Cat is rich beyond his wildest dreams. And nobody likes giving other people money on camera more than Big Cat. Will he try to strike up a deal with some of the less-rich people on the show to elevate his own game? You can tell someone you'll give them a piece of the pie if you win, but inside of the game you cannot be held to it. There will be A LOT of trust issues as BC is close with a lot of the players including Cheah, Hank, Rico, and Dave. But will the two man weave he does with Dave on Pick 'Em work here? And who will stab who in the back first- Dan or Dave? They will CONSTANTLY be worried about betrayal, no doubt.

Kevin "Fuck All You Motherfuckers" Clancy - I can see KFC being a fucking hurricane on this show. Lying, backstabbing, swearing on his children's lives, all of it. Kevin is not in the business of making friends on Surviving Barstool, he's there to compete. He also has the money dynamic at play, but at his heart Kevin is still proudly white trash. He has his running buddy Feits on the show with him, who has already said he will simply vote out the people he is the least-close to in real life. But does that truly mean Kevin can trust him? Will Feits not flip on Kevin? And if that's true, can Kevin allow an honest player get to the end, or will he need to take out Feits as a big move to impress the jury?

Kirk "Insert Nice Nickname Here So Kirk Doesn't Murder Me" Minihane - The word that has been thrown around about Kirk is "terrorist". If you've watched Kirk anything, you know he's a wild card who won't hold back on ANYTHING. He's skullfuck your mind from the inside out, but he's also smart how he goes about things. He knows how to leverage his personality when he needs to and find edges in competitions to ensure he gets the upper-hand. I am already fascinated by how Kirk will play this game- we know he is highly competitive and driven to win, so he cannot drive everyone mad like on the golf course. Will he form/join an alliance or be a one man wrecking crew?

PFT "PFT Commenter" Commenter - PFT is an interesting one to me because if he wants to win this game he will have to reinvent himself. He will have to play the game hard, hurt feelings, and possibly turn on his friends like Hank and Big Cat. If you haven't already thought about it, the "I'm close with this person at work, will still have to work with them while filming the show" dynamics are going to be mindfucks. Can PFT garner trust with the other players who know how closely tied to the PMT crew he is? The more I type these blogs, the more I love these dynamics.

John Henry "The Best Strat Is No Strat At All" Feitelberg - As I mentioned above in KFC's section, John has said his strategy out loud already- vote out the people he knows the least and work his way up from there. So let's say he's never talked to Steven Cheah in his life, he will say out loud "I am voting out Cheah". That means the others have to then decide if they just jump onboard that vote, try to get him to change his vote, or vote out John for having the simplest strategy in the world. OrRRRRRRR is Feits just saying this as a part of his character, ol' Hunky Dory Feitelberg, and he will actually play the game hard under the guise of not playing it hard. Again, a great dynamic to watch out for. Plus John gets along with everyone. Should be fun for us to watch him navigate the game.

Tommy "The Champ" Smokes - Ok so we all know Smokes by now. He wins every competition show he goes on. He actually won season 1 of Surviving Barstool when the entire world was saying "there is no chance Tommy wins". But what do you know, the guy with the vast Survivor knowledge figured out how to maneuver his way to the title. So the question is- will Tommy be able to outwit this cast who KNOWS what he is capable of? Will Tommy be able to use the fact he wins everything to his advantage to take himself far in the game? Similar to how Dave doesn't need the money, there's no wayyyyy they let Tommy win….again…..right?

Rico "Used To Be Crazy" Bosco - They used to call Rico "The Junkyard Dog" because he was crazy and unpredictable. Then he almost murdered Big T with a High Noon can and he harassed people on Twitter so he got a huge reality check and has turned himself around. Rico is one of the most pleasant people we work with now. I love it for him, and for us to be honest. But this ain't real life, this is Survivor. Everyone will be wondering which Rico comes out. And furthermore Rico is a man of honor and integrity. Will Bosco be able to lie and backstab in the game, or does he not see it as a game at all? Will he align with Hank, the biggest Ryder there is, or use that against Hank when he least suspects it? And will he not attempt murder while sleep deprived with Dave and Dan pushing all of his buttons? Might we see the Junkyard Dog again???

Will "No Longer In The NFL So He's Reduced To Doing This" Compton - Speaking of lovable, Will Compton has no enemies. He's just a nice guy, a golden retriever who everyone wants to play catch with. But you cannot make it to the NFL without being a fierce competitor. Will is actually a perfect contestant in that regard- he plays hard but will be your best friend too. He has money but doesn't flaunt it- the guy still uses Expedia for heaven's sake. I could see Will being so charming that people forget they need to get rid of him before its too late. But will anyone actually want to turn on Will???

Gaz "Bald Paul" Gzeigkffiekszkskgtksykykzsky - Olllllll Bald Paul. This was shocking to see his name in the mix, but it makes perfect sense too. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, knows how to stir a pot like Gazzo. I know we throw that term around a lot, but it's 100% true- the guy lives for mayhem, as long as its controlled by him. I don't know how anyone in this game will trust him. The longer he's around, the bigger agent of chaos he will be. I give him a 0.0% chance of winning.

Steven "The Smartest Guy In The Room" Cheah - Cheah isn't a dumb person. In fact, he's a pretty bright person. But nobody wants everyone to think he's the smartest guy in the room more than Cheah when in reality he's just about averagely smart like the rest of us. He competed in a previous season of this and thought he could do his little data bit he does and it was so fucking stupid he basically voted himself out of the game. Or that's how I remember it at least. Perhaps he will come back with a vengeance or perhaps he will out-think himself out of the game again.

Henry "Hank" Lockwood - Ohhhhh Henry, Henry, Henry. I think Hank is going to play the fuck out of the game. I don't think he cares whose feelings he hurts, who he lies to, or any of it. I think there is a chance he over-plays with irrational confidence, but if he loses, it won't be for a lack of trying. He is another person in the game with a lot of real-life allies- He works with Big Cat and PFT, he's known Feits and Gaz and Dave forever, and he's Rico's top ryder. Hank could be running the show by the half-way point, or spiraling into a mental breakdown because he's being pulled 5 different ways, I have no idea.

I'm not positive when this films but I think it's in October. With $100k on the line, friendships in the balance, and everyone at each other's throats, I'm positive this is going to be absolutely incredible theater and absolutely ruin people's lives. And hey, if Dave wants me to ruin my life, I'm just a phone call away….

Update: I have been added to the game. Let's go baby.