I Humbly Volunteer To Teach Emily Ratajkowski How To Kiss

What is she doing?!?!?!

Emily you crazy cat, that's not how you kiss! You shouldn't be eating your partner's face like it's Phil Hellmuth eating a roast beef sandwich 

So as a humble public servant who has dedicated my life to doing charity work, good deeds, and giving back, I will humbly take it upon myself and put out this generous offer- I'll teach Emily Ratajkowski how to kiss. Look, I've (paid to) kiss a few women in my life so yeah, I know a thing or two about smooching. And Emily, my dear, that is not how you smooch. I've haven't seen someone kiss that way since sophomore year homecoming. 

I'll say this though- good for Emily. If that's how she wants to kiss on the street, more power to her, because if she's that aggro in public, heaven knows what she's like behind closed doors, mama mia! 

But hey, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'll start by teaching her how to kiss, and if our date goes well, maybe we'll go to Olive Garden for our second date. Baby steps. Print the t-shirts of guys she's sloppily kissed- Harry. French Dude. Nate Dawg.