Barstool's #1 Movie Critic Was Spot On With His Napoleon Movie Review

Cheah's review isn't far off. I don't want to take food off the table of Barstool's #1 movie critic, but I just got back from Napoleon, and I have some things to say. I threw historic accuracy out the window in the first 5 seconds of the movie when the former Queen of France, Marie Antoinette, is getting the guillotine, and Napoleon is in attendance for her execution. Dude was off fighting the Siege of Toulon, so there is no possible way Napoleon was at the execution. Starting your movie with a historic inaccuracy that's not at all necessary is weird, but I wasn't there, so I guess I'll go fuck myself, Ridley Scott. 

On the Twisted History podcast we (Large, Anne, and myself) discussed how historically inaccurate the movie was, and if entertainment value should trump the history (episode dropping soon). Large wrote a great blog about the inaccuracies here, so I won't bitch about them in great detail.

I'm watching a movie, not reading a textbook, so I get history taking a backseat to some small details, but one small detail that made the movie hard to understand was no one spoke with a French accent. If Joaquin Phoenix gets a nomination from this movie for best actor, I'll burn Hollywood to the ground. The only thing Joaquin did to be like Napoleon was wear a funny hat. I could have played this role. I love wearing large, funny hats. 

People complained about the HBO mini-series Chernobyl having English actors with English accents play Russians, and I really didn't mind, but in Napoleon none of the French people having a French accent makes the movie harder to understand. It's by no means impossible to follow along, but because so many countries and foreign diplomats are involved, you don't always know who is from where. I don't understand why director Ridley Scott decided no one needed to have a French accent when it was mandatory for everyone in his 2021 movie House of Gucci to speak with thick, stereotypical, Italian accent. I feel like a French accent is just as important for this movie, but none of the actors Gladiator had an accent, so maybe Scott figured he wouldn't need one for this film to be a success. 

I'm not sure if the movie experience stinks, or I just hate people. More specifically old people. Every time I go to a crowded movie, people can't seem to figure out how to find their pre-selected seat. People are always walking in and having to kick people out of their seats because they either can't read, or think it's still the year 1982 and it's a first come first serve free for all. It's a grid system you simple bitch. 

I can't even get mad about cell phones going off and being out, it happens all the time you go to the movies, but people answering the phone during the movie and telling people they will call them back is INSANE. Maybe everyone should have to pass a test before going out in public, and if you fail simple self awareness, you get locked in a windowless room until you figure it out. Until then, I'll just passive aggressively sigh when a phone goes off. 

I did laugh every time Napoleon told people he was built different. It's like Ridley Scott wanted Napoleon to be a modern meme.

Despite some flaws, this movie is definitely worth a watch. No need to rush to the theater, you'd be fine streaming it at home. The movie was a tad long, but the plot never feels like it's dragging. If anything, it feels like the movie could have been even longer to fill in some missing details of Napoleon's incredible life. 

Napoleon was an expert strategist, and a strategy that would make Napoleon jealous is getting all your holiday shopping done between Black Friday and Cyber Monday to get the best deals. Starting at 11pm tonight, the entire Barstool shop is 20% OFF!!! Holiday shopping doesn't have to be your Waterloo. There is something for everyone on your list at the store, don't miss out and be exiled by your family because you got them a shitty gift.