Stephen Ross Should Be Forced To Sell The Dolphins If Miami Chokes The Division Away

Todd Olszewski. Getty Images.

The Miami Dolphins make me sick. Honestly, it's not their fault, it's mine. How fucking stupid can I be? I mean how many times can I watch the same movie over and over again and expect a different ending? What am I supposed to say about a team coming off a 59-16 loss? It was fucking embarrassing, we looked like a JV football team practicing with varsity for the first time. We got fucking bullied. Not only did we get bullied, but we got decimated with injuries. In the last 3 weeks the Dolphins have lost their two best edge rushers, and one of their star cornerbacks. The same shit happens every year. The Dolphins finally look like Super Bowl contenders, then boom, the Indian Burial Ground Curse strikes again.

The curse doesn't just end with the players on the team. No, no, no, this curse infiltrates every Dolphins fan across the country. It turns brother on brother, sister on sister, and even co-worker on co-worker:

I get it. Frank is always right, but Jesus Frank, would it kill you to try and use that almighty tongue of yours to speak some positivity into existence? Imagine if you used your super powers to defeat the Burial Ground Curse. I thought I was the chosen the one. I thought I was the one who can pull Frank away from the Dark Side of the force, but I've come to accept that my powers are no match for the Sith Lord. Since I can't beat him in combat, I will do what every other man does when they don't get what they want; beg. Frank I am begging you from the bottom of my heart to use your powers for GOOD and not evil.

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Prior to being humiliated in front of the entire country, the Miami Dolphins were 1.5 point favorites over the Buffalo Bills. Now, they are 3 point underdogs at home in a game that will decide who wins the AFC East. I'm not going to lie, I didn't have this on my Bingo card 3 weeks ago. If the Dolphins choke the division away after being -2500 to win it just 3 weeks ago, I will become a full-time soccer fan. I'll still watch the Fins, but I can no longer let them control my life if they keep doing this to me. Despite my heart being in my asshole, I still believe the Miami Dolphins will win this game. Don't ask me why, I just have a feeling. Everyone and their mother thinks this team is dead and they have every right too, but this is a new week. The Miami Dolphins will some how find a way to win this game and suck me, Frank, and every other Dolphins fan in the world right back in.

I should mention this though. If the Fins lose, and I go missing just know I'm straight. No need to alert the police or my family. I won't be dead, I'll just be hiding in a cave like Osama.