Bride Dupes All Of Her Wedding Guests Into Funding Her Month-Long Honeymoon

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Let me preface this by saying, wedding season is not at all what ‘Wedding Crashers’ made it out to be. Sure, it’s fun at times, but when you hit a certain age, it takes over your entire social calendar and bank account. 

It’s bachelor/bachelorette parties, bridal showers (Jack & Jills should be banned) and shelling out hundreds in hotel costs, Ubers, gifts and flights.

It’s fun for all of about 4 before the novelty wears off and you start dreading envelopes in the mail like you’re Vernon Dursley. 

Nothing against weddings in particular, but after a while you’re just going through the motions. It’s a fun night out with friends and a little built-in date night but the costs are steep so you better make sure you know the person you’re celebrating well. 

Which brings me to this broad who turned her ceremony into a cottage industry. This bitch is like the Bernie Madoff of matrimony, swindling her friends and family out of thousands of dollars under false pretenses.

There are, in my opinion, three things you need to have to have a successful wedding reception. 

1. Good cocktail hour food- nobody is too banged up at this point and gives the widest variety of choices.

2. People ready to party- Doesn't matter if it's a DJ or band, you just need music and a crowd that’s ready to throw down.

3. AN OPEN BAR- Saved the best for last because this is an absolute necessity and the crux of the matter in this particular situation.

I’m not exaggerating when I say, if you can’t afford an open bar, you should not be having a wedding. Cut down the guest list, go with fake flowers or take your ass down to the courthouse and call it a day because I’ve been to funeral receptions that understand this undeniable rule: Happy occasion or sad occasion, you need lubrication. 

It’s not a choice, it’s an inalienable right.

And this is where the story begins. A bride and groom who, “are not big drinkers,” are trying to save money and “don’t want to pay for others to get drunk on their dime.” 

Now at this point, if you’re not family or in the wedding party, this is where the story should have started and stopped. Auto-No. I’d rather get circumcised with a spoon than attend this affair. 

But for roughly 200 guests, it did not stop there and with every detail my blood began to boil more and more until it overflowed with the big reveal. 

-Her venue was a gift from her uncle who owns a wedding venue in New England. 

-Her catering was gifted to her from a friend who owns a restaurant. 

-Her flowers were a gift from her aunt who is a florist. 

-Their rings were purchased “at cost” by a friend who works for a jewelry company. 

-Her DJ and photographer were also gifts.

-Her family would have covered the cost of everything, but this was her second wedding (she’s in her 40’s and they already paid for the first.)

-A FAMILY MEMBER OWNS A LIQUOR STORE, GIFTED THEM ALL OF THE ALCOHOL AND THEY DECIDED TO CREATE THEIR OWN CASH BAR TO FUND THEIR TRIP TO ITALY. 

My jaw hit the fucking floor. This isn’t some high school party where you’re charging $5 for a red solo cup and taking a vig off the top for the risk. This is your SECOND wedding and you’re surrounded by the people that you supposedly care about most.

She’s out here charging $12 for a vodka soda? $6 beer bottles? “Oh you want imported? That’ll be $8.” 

So not only are they pocketing the gifts, which nowadays is running about $300, but they’re double dipping on booze too? 

Not since the Red Wedding have I heard of such a double-cross backstabbing. Even a Lannister always pays his debts. Not these two, they’re too busy cruising through Venice like Marky Mark in the ‘Italian Job’ on everyone else’s dime.

That bridesmaid’s ears must have been ringing like a flash-bang grenade went off when she heard the news. Getting up and walking to the door in a daze before regaining her senses and blowing up the group chat.

I thought Venmo requests for a round of drinks was bad, but this? Unforgivable. Everyone better have went scorched earth on these two.

Which brings me to my only question in this entire situation, where was the groom in all of this? 

We only got one side of this story because the bridesmaid felt guilty about spreading the news (I would have posted it on a billboard), but what was his take on all of this? I’d assume his balls are either in her clutch or he has since been killed off under suspicious circumstances, but I need to know what’s happened since then because if he’s still around we may have a ‘Gone Girl’ situation on our hands.