My Never Ending Quest To Get Glitter From Dave Continues

So a little background- KFC decided it would be a good idea to split the office into teams with a "content draft" and have a random group of people make videos together. A good idea, I have no issue with at all. Good to get people collaborating with folks they normally wouldn't work with. I drafted a superstar team of Rone, Grace, Vibbs, Caroline, Smitty, and John Rich. Together, they decided the video would be me on speed dates with the caveat they were in my ear telling me what to say the entire time, Impractical Jokers style. And I had to say whatever they told me to say. So that's what we did and it turned out pretty well. It's awkward, it's funny, there's cringe moments (thanks Smitty!), and just a good laugh for 20 minutes. We didn't make The Godfather, but for the parameters and stipulations put into place, it's a solid little video. 

So flash forward to Monday, everyone started watching the video and it was getting rave reviews! 

Gaz, who Dave trusts more than anyone, said he had tears.

Ohio Tate, who would prefer me dead in a ditch somewhere, texted me.

And it kept rolling in. 

Tommy Smokes called it a must-watch.

Big Cat called it incredible.

Feits loved it.

And so on and so forth. I got texts from Kate, Kayce, and Cheah, as well as many people outside of the Barstool world. The video was a hit! A success! We did something good!

OR DID WE?!

Because guess who came a-knockin', that's right, ol' Poo Poo Portnoy.

The Portnoy Power Sweep, live an in action!

What is the Portnoy Power Sweep (PPS)? You guys know it, at least those who pay attention. Any time Dave isn't a part of something that gets good reception, especially something people like me, Smitty, Klemmer (aka his circus animals) are a part of, he must say how much it sucks. Sometimes it's his way of giving glitter- he gets involved, boosts the numbies, claims "nobody cared about it until I talked about it", people fight, awareness/views increase, and round and round we go. 

But this time, in my opinion, the Portnoy Power Sweep was stopped for a loss. Because there are only two options based on his reaction to the video. Either:

A) Since 99% of people at Barstool liked the video and he didn't, that would mean he's wildly out of touch with what people like. And that's fine. He's an old retired man who would rather watch re-runs of Burn Notice and CSI before eating the early bird dinner and have a pack of saltine crackers before 8:30 bedtime. 

or 

B) He didn't watch the video but commented on it anyway.

I think both options are very much in play. It's clear Dave's opinion these days is very swayed by comment section/Reddit. There's no denying that. I'm not convinced Dave didn't go to Reddit, jot down the 5 main "we hate Nate" opinions, and use them as his talking points. He had a rough March Madness and wanted to bring a smile back to his wrinkled face, so he does the PPS, gets the conversation going, etc etc etc. And usually it works. But you've gotta pick your spots better than this. Hating this is too transparent. If you've paid any attention at all you gotta see right through this one. 

Also, Dave compared it to "The White Lotus" and "The Bear", two shows that everyone loves but he doesn't. He's quite literally Principal Skinner:

But maybe one day, bros. I'm on year 11. I've done it all. Besides get a "good job" from Dave. 

All we can do is keep digging. Keep chipping away. Keep chasing the glitter, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. We'll keep going even when Dave is on the other side with a shovel, collecting it all like Spice. Only Spice for Davey, none for anyone else!

Oh and to answer the most common question- no, the girls had no idea something was up. They thought they were legit there for speed dating. We told them to put on the headphones "for tech reasons", and they went with it because everything these days is podcasts/clips where people wear headphones. Nobody questioned it. I needed to wear headphones to hear the other room, so for continuity we told them to put on a pair as well. Worked perfectly.

You can watch the full video here:

PS: For as long as I worked here up until the big sell to PENN, Dave always said "he'd take care of his original guys". I'll take my glitter in the form of "being taken care of" if that's an option on the table. .2% would be a good amount of glitter. I'll still chase the "good job", but c'mon…. .2% sounds good.

PS: Dave and the Dawg…we will ride again.