I Am The Biggest Mush to Walk The Earth

Remember when Spider Man got bit by a spider and got his superpowers? Yeah, me too. I too, was born with a superpower, except mine isn't for the betterment of society, or even myself. I was born with a supernatural ability to mush games. What started as a joke to fuck around with my betting group chat turned into something so powerful that I can no longer control it. Much like when you reach your climax and unleash your load, the second I open my mouth the damage is done and the mush is born. Let's take a trip down memory lane shall we?

The Miami Dolphins were winning 27-13 with three minutes left in the fourth quarter when I sent out this tweet. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I thought the game was over. I mean how many teams have come back from a 14-point deficit with under three minutes to go in the fourth quarter? Funny I asked. 

Out of the last 767 teams who were trailing by 14 points with under three minutes to go, NONE of them came back to win the game. Insert my big mouth. Of course, the one time I send out a preliminary victory tweet, the 1 in 768 chance of happening, happened. Not only did I jinx my team into the grave, but I cost them their first division title since 2008. Had the Dolphins won that game, they would have clinched the AFC East before their Week 18 game against Buffalo.

January 10th, 2024. I pledge my allegiance to Arsenal. It was the first time in my life where I felt like I found a team that my presence positively impacted. Arsenal had not lost a Premier League game since I became a fan. They were undefeated, never lost, and then I decided to cross the pond…

I walked into the Emirates Stadium thinking there was no chance we'd lose this game. Arsenal were -380 favorites on DraftKings to win, and I flew all the way from Chicago to see this game. No chance they'd lose, right? Wrong. My biggest fear was going to the game and seeing a 0-0 draw. Little did I know, that wasn't even close to my biggest nightmare. Arsenal had scored in EVERY home game leading up to that game. And of course, in Nicky Smokes fashion, not only did Arsenal not score, but they gave up the most goals at home since I became a fan.

The cat's out of the bag. Marty Mush might have the last name, but he couldn't hold my jockstrap when it comes to mushing games. Just ask Big Cat.