Apparently America is All Done With Picking Up the Tab for New Stadiums for Billionaires, Proving We're Capable of Getting Something Right

I don't know why exactly the design for the proposed Cleveland Browns stadium looks like Disney's Polynesian Resort, but whatever. If the Browns want every aerial shot to invoke memories of fire dancers in traditional Hawaiian garb serving overpriced, high-fructose slop passing as Asian Fusion to tourists in handifat scooters wearing Moana shirts, they can be my guest. I don't have a Dawg in this fight. 

Besides, I enjoy seeing these artist's renderings. I think I'm not alone in saying the only thing I like more than a great architectural drawing of some new and improved piece of urban real estate is a good scale model of one. I think we all do, with the exception of Derek Zoolander:

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Where the fun ends for me is when somebody other than the people who are going to profit from these monstrosities has to pay for it. Or to be more specific, when I have to pay for any part of it. Not a brick. Not the cupholder on a single seat. Not one fucking giant condiment bottle with the plunger on it that never fails to miss your food and bukkake your clothes no matter how close you hold it. 

And to that point, I'm happy to report that the new trend is for sports markets to tell the leagues and owners they can piss all the way up a rope, because they're not getting the funding for their little vanity projects any more:

Source - For more than a decade, it’s been obvious that voters won’t support any proposal to give NFL owners taxpayer money for stadium construction or renovation. It’s becoming more clear that the elected officials are becoming less inclined to burn political capital by giving public funds to privately-owned football teams.

That could be where the puck is moving. No more free cash for multi-billionaires. Currently, the Bears, Chiefs, Bengals, and Browns are facing resistance in their local markets. The Jaguars supposedly will have a public-private deal for a massive renovation to EverBank Stadium soon; until it’s done, however, it’s not.

There’s a very basic reality at play here. The NFL is a victim of its own success. As franchise values continue to explode (Dolphins owner Stephen Ross reportedly turned down a $10 billion offer), why should any community pay for a stadium to be built or refurbished?

Why should any, indeed? There was a time when they used to call the US Senate "the most exclusive men's club in the world." But there are 100 senators. There are only 31 NFL owners, plus the Packers. There's not a single one of them - or their children, spouses, siblings or first cousins, for that matter - who couldn't build a stadium on their own and pay cash for it. Or get approval for a loan without having to provide their credit score. You don't have to be some Wine Mom at a Town Council budget meeting standing at the microphone to complain "Why are we paying for this thing I don't want when we still haven't paid for this other thing I do?" to see how insane it is we spent so many years making it our priority to build massive toys for the richest people in the country? 

At this point, you're no doubt saying, "Old Balls, you are wise and sexually desirable. But you're failing to acknowledge how good it is for a city to have pro sports teams. They provide jobs and bring in revenue. After all, just about every one of us has visited some place just to take in a game at some new venue at some point in our lives. What about all those tourist dollars?" First of all, thank you for the compliments. Second, I know where you're coming from, but you are mistaken. (Though not about my wisdom and allure.)

The data on this is clear. And I speak from experience. I've done the research. In the early 2000s, I took a college business class. (Long story short, I went back to school to finish a degree I had gotten sidetracked away from and it always bothered me, so I completed it.) We were assigned a thesis. And mine was "Publicly-financed stadia are a good investement for municipalities." (Note that the Professor had established she was a big fan of proper Latin plurals; she was putty in my hands after this." And as soon as I started the research I realized my hypothesis was 100% wrong. So I went back the following week and resubmitted it with, essentially, "Opposite."

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That's not my opinion. The data is clear. Every single serious study ever done on the question has come to the same conclusion. Yes, a stadium will generate jobs. But not very many careers. Yes, there's nobility in all labor. But you're not sustaining yourself or elevating your socio-economic status with a part time job that involves walking up and down steps shouting out the name of some snack or beverage. And even if there was good, sustainable, full time employment to be had at an MLB park, a city or state would get a million times better ROI by putting their money into an industrial park or a zone for retail, restaurants and entertainment venues. 

As far as generating revenue from tourist dollars, sales taxes, hotel taxes, ancillary spending and so on? Yes, that money does come in. But it takes millions of tips going to servers and rideshare drivers to cover the cost of a ballpark. And my research was limited to early 2000s budgets on these places. Way before Vegas sunk $2 billion into a place to lure the Raiders in from Oakland and make Mark Davis even more billionairey.

Ethan Miller. Getty Images.

So good on you, cities, counties and states of America. It's long overdue, but it sounds like you've finally stopped handing your banking info and passwords over to these scammers and started hanging up the phone. As long as some of the more jerkwater towns among us don't fall back into the trap of believing that doing a wealth transfer from working people over to our country's Montgomery Burnses will somehow put you on the map, we can all stick together on this. And finally cut off the allowances of these spoiled rich kids once and for all. 

(Let me just add a footnote. The project got an A+, with a "What can I say, Jerry? This is a perfect paper." Which is something I've never mentioned here before. I've saved that anecdote for the 150,000 times I brought it up any time one of my kids had a project due. No humble; just brags.)