The Highs and Lows From Attending The Kentucky Derby For The First Time
It goes without saying that the 150th Kentucky Derby was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I don't know what it is but something just feels right when a wop like me puts on a suit, smokes cigars, and bets pony's. It's as if I hopped in a time-machine and went back to the 1940's when walking around suited and booted while ripping darts was the norm. If you ever saw someone walk around in a suit all day, and do nothing but sip whiskey and bet on horses you'd think that guy is a loser. But on Derby Day, that guy is a fucking king.
Despite not hitting a single bet aside from the one I forgot I put in, I still had a great time. It's not about the money, it's about being in the moment. So let me walk you guys through my experience at Churchill Downs.
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Highs:
Swiped Some Old Geezer for a Stack:
My man Travis didn't know what the fuck he got himself into. He thought that me having to slug 13 beers was some type of punishment. My guy, that's just another Saturday. I didn't even realize this until after the fact, but I was slugging 16oz Millers the whole time. In hindsight, I probably shoulda went the 12oz route, but in the moment I didn't give a fuck, they were going down like water. The hot dogs on the other hand... I don't think I'll eat another hot dog for the rest of my life. It is partially my fault though. As you all know I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. I don't know how to pace myself, I have one gear, and it's go. Instead of eating a hot dog every hour, my dumbass would try to slam 4-5 in a 30 minute window so I could "get it over with." Safe to say it wasn't the smartest strategy. Although I didn't puke, I did shit my brains out, but I'lll save you the details on that. Needless to say I still swiped that old man for a stack.
Food/Drinks:
I don't always go to the Kentucky Derby, but when I do, I eat an entire piece of cheesecake on a stick at 11AM. In my opinion, one of the best things about the Kentucky Derby is that 70% of the food and drinks there are free. It's fucking dangerous. I knew I was in trouble the second I walked through the gate. I scanned my ticket, I looked up and the first thing I heard "FREE BEER HERE." I looked at the guy and laughed. I told him there's no chance the beer is free, this motherfucker reached in the cooler handed me an ice cold Miller and said "enjoy the Derby." It was at that moment that I knew I fucked up. It was over after that. I was like a fat guy at a wedding reception, whatever the waiter had on the tray I was taking it.
Birds:
Boys… the birds were absolutely CHIRPING at the Derby, and I'm not talking pigeons. I'm talking about the fittest of fit, the peng of the peng, the best of the best. The women at Churchill put on an absolute clinic. There's nothing better than a girl getting all dolled up for a horse race. As I said earlier, it felt like I was in a time machine, girls don't get dressed up like that anymore, it was nice. With that being said, other people (who weren't there) had a different opinion.
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For the record, I believe women should dress however they want. I'll leave it at that.
Lows
My Suits:
Listen, I went the cheapest route possible. I'm a 24-year old punk and I'm FAR from rich. There was simply no chance I was spending thousands of dollars for three different suits. Instead, I did what I did in college and used all my free resources.
Thursday: $60 jacket I bought at Target two years ago paired with a basic pair of everyday slacks.
Friday: This was an $80 "try before you buy" suit off Amazon so best believe I'm returning that shit once I leave the office. Oh, and anyone saying I shoulda ironed it can fuck off. You try ironing a suit after boozing til 4AM. One day I'll grow up and do the right thing, but now is not the time.
Saturday: This was my favorite suit of the whole trip. The aqua blue suit I found hanging in our green screen studio. I tried it on while we were doing Film Fest and it fit like a fucking glove. 20 seconds later it was in the back of my trunk.
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please feel free to roast me in the comments.
Bets:
I got absolutely cooked. Well, actually, I won a little bit of coin on Thursday and Friday, but that was just the gambling god's giving me a proper teasing before burying me on Saturday. There was 14 races and I didn't hit a single out right ticket. All in all I went an impressive 1-25 on Saturday and the only bet I hit, I forgot I even placed it!
Overall, I had a great time. Would recommend! Just don't eat 1,000 hot dogs.