Guys That I Would Let Sleep With My Wife

I was talking with this girl the other day and, for some reason, I thought finding out who her celebrity hall pass would be was a good idea. Boy, was I wrong. She looked me dead in the eyes without any hesitation and told me Jimmy Butler. Listen, I love Jimmy Butler more than anyone—he got me my job—but as a 6'0" (with shoes on) white dude with a dad bod, the last thing you want to hear in that situation is a stud like Jimmy Butler. I was hoping she'd go with someone like Kevin Love, but to each their own. On my walk home, I started thinking to myself, if I did, in fact, have to give my wife a hall pass, who would I be comfortable with her sleeping with? So, after further review, this is what I came up with.

Tom Brady

MICHAEL TRAN. Getty Images.

This should be a surprise to no one. The guy is a sex symbol, I don't give a fuck about how much Botox he sticks in his face every month or how many avocado he shoves down his throat everyday, the guy is fucking handsome. I wouldn't blame my wife or anyone's wife for wanting a taste of the greatest to ever do it. Plus, as a Dolphins fan Tom has already fucked me my entire life so at least my girl and I can be eskimo bros, or would it be hoes? I don't know. Point is we'd both have been fucked by Tom.

Ted Bundy

Bettmann. Getty Images.

Imagine giving your wife a hall pass just to see if she'd use it, and the first test you throw at her is Ted Bundy? That's what I call a one-quest test: you either pass or you end up dead. If she decides not to use it, you know you've got a keeper. However, if she cashes in, you know two things: 1. She's not the one, and 2. She's dead. That's how you kill two birds with one stone. 

Adam Sandler

Touchstone. Shutterstock Images.

No one had a bigger impact on my childhood than John Cena and Adam Sandler. My top three favorite movies of all time to this day are The Waterboy, Happy Gilmore, and Billy Madison. If you haven't seen these movies, I cannot have you in my life, and if you watch them and don't find them hilarious, you are dead to me. With that being said, this hall pass comes with one stipulation. If Adam Sandler were to bang my wife, they'd have to role play as Bobby Boucher and Vicki Vallencourt—oh, and I'd have to watch.

Drake and Future

Prince Williams. Getty Images.

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This is essentially me offering my wife as a peace offering. I simply cannot go through life with Drake and Future beefing. If them running a train on my wife meant that we as a society get "What a Time to Be Alive 2" then so be it. It's a price I'm willing to pay. Also, as bad as it might suck to be eskimo bros with Drake and Future, it'd also kinda be a flex.