The Kyle Schwarber Curse Is Real And It Absolutely Fucking BLOWS

Kyle Schwarber went off last night as Jordie appropriately explains in calling out the entire country of Canada. Really a marvelous take worth revisiting just for a minute:

Good stuff from a very hard skater and master of smoked meats.

Personally, I'm here to revisit Kyle Schwarber under a more narrow lens. Specifically: the Cubs non-tendered him in the 2020/21 offseason over $8,000,000. That's all it cost to let Kyle Schwarber play for your baseball team not too long ago and the Cubs just didn't have the cash. 

A lot of people blame COVID. Others blame Tom Ricketts for not getting COVID. Some are smart enough to see a bigger picture. And then there's a bunch of crazy assholes like me that just want to see Kyle Schwarber thump baseballs into the October Sky. 

A few years later and somehow the Phillies have the 3 of the coldest October swings: Bryce Harper, Bryson Stott and this big sumbitch.

That's a motorboater. You know them when you see them. Kyle Schwarber loves a great set of big juicy tits. 

And it once cost only $8,000,000 for that sandbagging motorboating sumbitch to play for the Cubs and we somehow just said No Thanks. 

Sorry but COVID

Makes no sense to me. COVID, natural immunity, Kyle Schwarber's arbitration process. Literally none of it makes sense at this point. 

Some inside speculation gleaned from inside sources over my years: Cubs front office was annoyed that Schwarber wasn't implementing what they saw as basic adjustments to be a more valuable player. He was, in their minds, selfish. They were, in his mind, not hitting major league pitching. So call it a Mexican stand off. When push came to shove, the Cubs were already in process of shedding old scar tissue. The sooner they could move on from Schwarber, the better. Apparently. I was fuckin there and it certainly seems ridiculous in hindsight. But there was a very real time when a team run by Theo Epstein gave Kyle Schwarber his walking papers. 

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Maybe that was the spark that ignited whatever monster he's become. Maybe there's no multiverse where Schwarber could blossom as a Cub to the extent he has elsewhere. Nice thing about life is we'll never know, so no use wasting time getting mad or writing an entire blog about what could have been. That would be so fuckin stupid. 

HARDO

Bingo.

Anyways Cubs haven't been in the playoffs since Schwarber was with the organization. And at time of writing this following back-to-back home losses to the last place Pirates, the playoff odds are now hovering comfortably under 2%. So basically the same odds as me guessing whatever card in a fully-shuffled deck you just pulled. 

But here's the thing. Even if I guess the right card, you're just gonna call it some bullshit magic trick anyways. And while I'm no magician, I think we can all agree the Cubs making Kyle Schwarber disappear is, at best, massive institutional failure. 

For $8,000,000 no less. 

That's a house in Lincoln Park with a decent fuckin yard, and it's leading the NL with 94 walks this season. Not to mention 20 postseason homeruns in just 65 games and basically the best October clips since Reggie Jackson wore pinstripes. 

MEANWHILE

192 baseball players will make at least $8,000,000 this year. Kyle Schwarber is one of them, and he's not on the Cubs. 

Anyways. 

Bears kickoff in 4 days so that's nice. Could be a fun season. You never really know, do you?